


Dragon Age (Season 3)

by Nudeviking



Series: Dragon Age [4]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 07:59:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 53,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5658700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nudeviking/pseuds/Nudeviking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follow Beezus Hawke's stunning rise and fall in this exciting wordchunk about fighting gangsters and humping elves!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dragon Age - S03E01 - The Fall of Lothering (Remix)

The dwarf with a cool guy ponytail and cool guy earrings and some awesome stubble was thrown bodily into a chair by a severe looking woman with a foreign accent.  She scowled angrily at the cool guy dwarf and demanded demandingly, "Tell me all you know, about the Champion, dwarf!"

The dwarf scoffed like a real cool dude, "What champion do you speak of? Disgraced WWF heavyweight champion of the world, Hulk Hogan?"

"Don't get cute with me dwarf!  You know exactly who I'm talking about!"

"Why do you want to know about her?  Cuz your precious Chantry done goofed and now the entire world's on the brink of war and she's the only one who can save the day?" the dwarf asked cooly.  Damn he was a smooth operator.

The severe woman did not think the dwarf was all that smooth despite his ponytail and earrings and quite literally threw the book at him.  "You were there from the beginning! Tell me what you know!"

"Fine," the dwarf smirked like a totally cool dude, "The woman who would be champion and a certain wizardess were on a hill fighting darkspawns.  The Champion was flipping out like a goddamn ninja and the wizardess was blasting spells like woah.  But the darkspawns were legion and there was no way two ladies, even ladies as tough as these two, could possibly escape, but them a dragon appeared and..."

"FUCKIN' BULLSHIT!" the lady bellowed totally interrupting the cool dwarf's cool story, "You expect me to believe that load of crap? The real story dwarf!"

"Fine..." the dwarf sighed and began a tale with far fewer ninja flips...

Beezus Hawke, her sister, Beth, her brother, Carter, and their mom made their way through the mountainous passes away from the ruination that was once their home...the village of Lothering. It was a wreck of burned up shit and darkspawns now and those darkspawns were hot on their trail.

Beezus and her siblings did their best but Mom was having a hard time of it. "C'mon Mom," Beezus said, "We gotta keep moving. There are darkspawns all over the place. I'll keep you safe, I promise."

A little ways up the path they encountered a knight of the code and a headband lady.  Beezus thought that she must have been an aerobics instructor since she was looking pretty fit and also wearing a headband and leotard.  The knight of the code got owned hard by a not-orc which threw the aerobics instructor into a frenzy.

"YOU SHALL NOT HAVE HIM!" she shouted and totally cut the not-orc's head off.

"C'mon Beth we gotta help those people!" Beezus said and rushed forward to battle foes.

With the darkspawns bested the knight of the code stood slowly, and the starring at Beth declared, "You're a malicar...I gotta arrest you and take you to the Tower of Wizard shit."

"Tom Templar you will do no such thing!" the aerobics instructor yelled, "These good people saved us. You have my gratitude miss I'm Aveline and this is my husband Tom. You'll have to forgive my husband...he gets a little antsy around mages who have not been properly cowed. Anyway what do you think about teaming up to get out of here? There all hella darkspawns all over the place."

"Alright but keep your husband the fuck away from my sister!"

Aveline pouted but eventually was like, "Deal."

With the Templars now in tow Beezus and her family continued down the mountain pass.  Suddenly a huge ogre came rushing forward and Carter Hawke, in a moment of teenage stupidity drew his trusty two-handed battle sword, bellowed, "LET'S DO THIS!!! LEEROOOOOOOOOOY JENKINS!!!!" and charged at the fiendish creature.

The ogre crushed his face. Blood went everywhere.

Beezus and Beth and Aveline Templar fought valiantly and slew the great monster.  Mom Hawke was beside herself with grief and Tom Templar said some kind of prayer for Carter's soul and called him a "brave hero," but Mom Hawke was not really all about it.  "I don't want a hero...I want my son!" she wailed, "Now I just have two shitty daughters, one of whom is a goddamn malicar..."

"Mom pull yourself together. We can't stay her," Beezus said, "Don't let Carter's sacrifice be for naught by dying here."

As Mom Hawke rose a heap of darkspawns appeared. Beezus, Aveline and Beth fought like true heroes but there were just too many darkspawns.

Suddenly a dragon appeared and barfed fire all over the darkspawns. Beezus fingered her knives ready for the worst but the dragon soon took the form of an old woman.

"Um thanks for saving us," Beezus said, "Why'd you help?"

"I was just flying along when I saw something weird: you guys killing a big ass ogre. When I saw these crappy not-orcs try to wreck your shit I figured I'd help you out for amusing me earlier," the old woman said.

"Cool. Do you think you could help us get outta here?" Beezus asked.

"Don't you recognize who that is?" Tom Templar asked weakly (his shit was all fucked up), "That's Flemith! The legendary witch of the wild!"

"So what dude we need to get outta here. So can you help us?" Beezus asked the witch.

"Where are you trying to go?" Flemith asked.

"To Kirkwall."

"I can take you to the docks and you can get a ship that will take you to Kirkwall but I will ask a favor in return. Near Kirkwall there is a tribe of Danish elves. I want you to take this package to their keeper," Flemith said.

"Okay, deal!" Beezus declared.

"By the way that guy over there looks pretty fucked up with darkspawn disease," Flemith said, pointing at Tom Templar.

It was true. Tom was all messed up and would never make it to the docks let alone Kirkwall.  Aveline the aerobics instructor cried, "Please my love don't make me kill you."

Beezus stepped in, "Aveline, I'll do this shit for you." Aveline nodded and then Beezus knifed Tom Templar with a plot knife.

She stood slowly and put her plot knife away before turning to the witch and saying, "Alright Flemith get us out of here and I'll deliver your package."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary
> 
> I actually played through be very beginning of this game twice because of the way it's set up.  "What the crap?  I don't even get to name my character or pick what they look like?  That's lame.  And shouldn't I have been able to import all my masterful choices from Dragon Age: Origins?  Maybe I fucked something up...better try it again.  Nope.  Oh...after this weird intro thing I get to name the character and stuff."
> 
> Anyway after the second time I imported plot and named my Hawke Beezus and after many hours of careful deliberation selected one of the default "LADY HAWKE IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THIS!!!" heads because she had the best haircut and none of the other "Create Your Own" Hawke haircuts came close to it.  Beezus Hawke has the default head with the "I'm super bashful" red crosshatching on her nose that's prevalent in animes.
> 
> So far I'm digging DA2.  I like that the inventory screen is now accessed by pressing start (even if after 60 some-odd hours of DA:O I'd finally gotten in the habit of hitting select).  I like that people's arms are kind of proportionate to the rest of their body now and I like that when doing dialogue tree stuff there's a little icon that shows the tone of what you're saying.  I think this system will lead to a lot fewer instances of accidentally pissing off some random party member that everyone except me likes...


	2. Dragon Age - S03E02 - Ballin' & Kirkwallin'

"You expect me to believe that the Champion flew from Feldspar to Kirkwall on the back of a witch of the wilds who turned into a dragon?" the severe Chantry lady scoffed in utter disbelief.

The cool dwarf didn't let her disbelief ruffle his feathers at all though, "Nah nothing like that mang.  I'm pretty sure the plot already explained that Flemith was going to take them to some kind of dock town, the name of which I cannot recall, but I will again, for your edification stress that Flemith took them to the docks. From there they took a ship. Oh it was a shitty voyage to be certain. They were all crammed into the hold of the ship and Mom Hawke was all like, 'Ohhhh my Carter...my poor Carter...' and Aveline Templar was like, 'My poor Tom...why did you have to die?' and Beth was like, 'Mom why are we going to a city run by Templars?  I'm going to be caught in like 39 seconds for being an apostate,' and Beezus was all like, '*Barf!*' because she was prone to seasickness. But several weeks later the ship arrived in Kirkwall which is where our story picks up..."

  
_Beezus on the S.S. Pinafore_

"Look Mother, they are not letting anyone into the city!" Beth Hawke declared, "What will we do?"

"Sweet Bethany, one way or another I will get us into the city," Beezus said comforting her younger sister, "Come on, there must be someone over there who knows what the deal is."

At the gates they encountered a goddamn Templar.  Bethany was nervous, but Beezus played it cool, "Yo guy we need to get into the city."

"You and every other piece of shit from Feldspar.  The city's full...no one else is allowed in."

Beezus huffed and puffed, "Dude, I want to talk to your supervisor.  My uncle lives in the city and is totally a bajillionaire and is expecting us."

"*sigh* Fine.  Go talk to Captain Guyman in the Gallows.  I'm just here to make sure scumfucks like you don't climb over the walls," the shitty templar said and Beezus and her family and Aveline the aerobics instructor headed into the city.

"Aveline, your husband was not with the Chantry in Lothering.  Where did he work?" Beth asked as they made their way into the prison fortress known as the Gallows.

"He worked all over the place but was just passing through Lothering to come get me at Ostergard.  Why?  Did you know every Templar in Lothering?"

"I had to...so I'd know when I needed to run and hide," Beth answered.  Aveline laughed nervously.

Inside the Gallows they found Captain Guyman right where the shitty overly nationalistic Templar said he'd be.  Captain Guyman was being harangued by a bunch of dudes who appeared to be Feldsparian soldiers.

"We've been waiting for days!  We need to get into the city!" one of the soldiers bellowed.

"Sorry I can't let you in," Captain Guyman said, "GREASE! wink wink nudge nudge..."

"Hey Captain Guyman," Beezus said, "We need to get in.  Our uncle is rich and waiting for us.  He's got GREASE!!!!"

"Okay...I think your uncle's not a rich guy, but if he's got GREASE!!! I'll see what we can do."

The Feldsparian soldiers thought this was total bullshit.  "What the fuck mang?  We've been here for days and those bitches just got here!" the lead soldier shouted and then attacked Captain Guyman.  There was something about the way he'd shouted the word "bitches," that rubbed Beezus the wrong way, so regardless of the fact that she actually agreed with her countrymen, she sided with Captain Guyman and fought it out in the Gallows.  Quick knives perforated spleens and sliced through spines and soon there was a heap and a half of dead Feldsparian soldiers.

"Thanks yo," Captain Guyman said, "I would have been a goner if not for you.  If there's anything I can do for you all you need do is ask."

"Ummm...let us into the city?"

"If I could I would, but the decision is not mine to be made.  People above me need GREASE!!! but you mentioned an uncle?  I'll have my people find him and let him know you're here.  If he's as rich as you say, he should have the GREASE!!! needed to get you into the city."

Several days passed before Captain Guyman returned with Beezus' uncle, and true to the man's word, her uncle was not actually a bajillionaire, but rather a crumbbum who looked like he didn't even have GRE let alone GREASE!!!!"

Mom Hawke was pretty furious at Uncle Crumbbum for selling the family estate to pay off a gambling debt, but he had an idea of how to get the GREASE!!!! needed to get the family into the city.  A couple of his buddies would offer up the GREASE!!!! if Beezus and Beth worked for them for a year.  Which of the friends Beezus and Beth worked for was entirely up to them, but that was the best he could do.

"Who are these friends?" Beezus asked.

"One's a mercenary and one's a smuggler," Uncle Crumbbum replied.

"I think we'll work for the mercenaries," Beezus said, "That seems ever so slightly more legit than working for smugglers."

"Cool, he's over there.  Go talk to him."

Beezus and Beth and Aveline Templar went to talk to the mercenary captain.  He seemed like a pretty alright middle aged dude.  "We're the Cincinnati Reds and we're the best known mercenary crew in all of the Free Marches.  We don't get in to bogus shit like assassination and shit unless of course someone fucks with us.  Like that guy over there.  Fred's his name.  One of my boys beat him in a game of Candyland last week and the asshole fucked my boy over instead of paying what he owed.  He knows us all so we can't get near him, but he doesn't know you.  Teach him a lesson and prove you've got what it takes to be a Cincinnati Red!"

It was a pretty good speech so Beezus, Beth, and Aveline Templar fought Fred and his bodyguards.  Fred and his dudes got owned...hard.  Fred was a wuss and his guards were even wussier.  Beezus went back to the mercenary captain and was like, "We killed that dude."

"High five.  You're a Red now!  Go tell your uncle we'll provide GREASE!!!! to the necessary parties."

And so a year passed during which Beezus and Beth were mercenaries.  It was a pretty wild year.  Some Qunaris showed up in Kirkwall and were doing some plot.  Back in Feldspar Odette Corvette and her posse defeated the Archdemon on the roof of a palace in Denerim and ended the Blight, and with the Blight ended Brodude, first of his name, became king of Feldspar...

"...but it was after that first year that things really got interesting," said the cool guy dwarf, "Because it was after that first year that I became best friends with the Champion."

 **Next time on Dragon Age...**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary
> 
> They sure do say "shit" a lot in Dragon Age 2...and "grease."  Anyway, I'm not so sure how I feel about skipping the entire Beezus is a mercenary plot with a voice-over particularly because after it (I played a bit more than where I actually stopped this write-up...it was just the best place to actually stop a write-up) all the people in town seem to know Hawke better than I do.  It's all like, "Hey Hawke!" "Hey Lady Elegant how's that plot treating you?" but I have no idea what they're actually talking about. 


	3. Dragon Age - S03E03 - The Cutest Lil' Bloodmage

"Man that sure was a good year of being a mercenary!" Beezus exclaimed as she and her sister made their way to the Dwarven Enclave of Kirkwall. They'd gotten a big tip on a crew heading into the Deep Roads for a treasure hunt, and now that their time of being indentured servants had come to an end, they were going to need cash.   The dwarf businessman was not having it though.

"Get in line kid, everyone and their mother wants in on this expedition..."

"But I can pick locks, disarm traps, look good in capri pants, and I was a mercenary with the Cincinnati Reds for a year!" Beezus exclaimed.

"Yeah whatever kid.  I'm a busy guy so why not hit the bricks."

As Beezus and Beth turned to leave, a scumbag bumped into her.  He clearly had stolen her purse, and the 39 silvers contained there within, but before she had a chance to shove six inches of mercenary steel up his bunghole the dude got fucked over with a crossbow bolt.

  
_Mercenary Steel_

A cool guy dwarf a ponytail, earring, and some stubble sauntered up to the seriously injured pickpocket and was like, "Keep practicing kid," and then took the purse and gave it back to Beezus saying, "I think this belongs to you Miss Hawke."

"That's weird, you know my name."

"A lot of people know who you are.  Refugee from Lothering, starting shortstop for the Cincinnati Reds, elder sister of infamous malicar, Beth Hawke...and recent reject for the Deep Roads expedition my brother is putting together."

"Wow you've really done your homework," Beezus said.

"Yup, and my brother's an idiot for turning you down.  If you really want in you need to think bigger.  Offer a partnership.  My brother's got the info and the skills, but is lacking the funds to really kick this adventure into high gear," the cool guy dwarf said, "50 gold pieces would probably be enough to convince him to take you on as a partner.  You'd get a share of the profits of course..."

"50 gold coins?" Beezus scoffed, "If I had that kind of money I wouldn't need the join anyway."

"Listen, you need to do this job for plot okay, so why not take some part-time jobs in town, save up a bit and then make one big haul and be set for life," the dwarf said.

"That sounds pretty good," Beth said, "I for one am tired of living with Uncle Crumbbum in Crackton."

"Listen to your sister Hawke..." the cool dwarf said cooly, "My name is Varric by the way.  I usually hang out at the Hanged Man tavern...that's a little word play for ya...come find me if you're really interested about thinking big."

Beezus sighed, "Alright, c'mon Beth, maybe Aveline has some work for us as a city guard."

\---

Aveline, the aerobics instructor, had, for some reason, decided to give up a career in personal fitness and became a beat cop in Kirkwall.  Beezus and Beth made their way to the station house and found Aveline.  Aveline was surly and Beezus thought to herself, "As soon as I find another warrior you are so benched Aveline..." but Aveline had some work for them.  There were banditos ambushing some caravans on some mountain pass so they went up there and took care of business, but the chief of police was not happy with Aveline's initiative.

"THAT'S NOT YOUR AREA TO PATROL!!!" he screamed when Aveline revealed that she and Hawke had gone up into the hills to rough up banditos.

Beezus was pretty miffed because the screaming probably meant there wasn't going to be a reward, but there was some sort of police corruption afoot and Aveline wanted to get to the bottom of it.  Beezus meanwhile decided that she should probably deliver that package to the Danish elves like she promised Flemith she would.  So she gathered her allies and set off to Mount Thundercats where she met some surly Danish elves.

"Woah there Shambala!  What the fuck do you want?"

  
_Danish Elves_

"I got a delivery for Keeper Elfname here from Flemith.  She's expecting me, and don't call me Shambala..." Beezus said.

The surly elves led her to the keeper, who was a lot less surly.

"What's up?  We've been waiting awhile for you, but didn't expect you to be a human.  Anyway it doesn't matter.  Take that package up to the top of Mount Thundercats and do some funeral ritual and your debt will be considered repaid," the Keeper said, "My first will go with you to help you out with the elven funeral ritual alright?  She's chilling on the mountain pass.  Peace out!"

Beezus and her party started up the path and there she saw the most adorable little elf she'd ever seen.  Those face tats.  That haircut.  Those ears.  Beezus' heart skip a beat as the elf introduced herself as Merrill.  She was clearly somewhat shy, which made her all the more charming.  With Merrill they set off up the mountain killing some skeletons and finally encountering another surly Dane.  He was a douchelord to Merrill and Beezus wanted to punch his face in with a dagger, but he left before she had a chance.

Because of a rockslide, Merrill lead them through a cave to get to the top of the mountain.  More corpses and skeletons were wrecked as they progressed through the cave.  Once out of the cave they were met by some sort of weird barrier.  Merrill stepped up and was like, "I can take care of this," and then slit her wrist.  Blood sprayed everywhere and magic happened.  Blood magic.  Somewhere in Feldspar, King Brodude, First of His Name, let out a loud scream of anguish.

"Blood magic?!" Beth screamed in horror.

"I got the barrier down didn't I?" Merrill asked.

"Yeah Beth get off her case...I don't see what the big deal is.  You do illegal magic all the time too!" Beezus shouted back.

Beth and Aveline Templar both looked super pissed off that Beezus would defend someone using such a vile and repugnant form of magic, but Beezus didn't care.  She didn't like Aveline Templar all that much anyway, and Beth would forgot why she had been pissed off the next time Beezus saved her ass from some scumbag Templar trying to arrest her or touch her ass.

Atop the mountain they found an altar and after killing some more stuff that was already dead already Merrill performed some funeral service in Danish.  Beezus was lost in thought, wondering if it would behoove her to take some Danish language courses.  She could probably get a tutor in the alienage on the cheap.  So lost in her own thoughts was she that she didn't even realize that Flemith had suddenly appeared.

"Woah fuck!  Are you for real?" Beezus asked.

"Yup.  I'm here.  It's just a small fragment of me, but here I am.  Maybe this is the only place I am...depending on whether or not Sideboob did what I expect her to do," Flemith replied.

Asked Beezus, "Am I supposed to know who Sideboob is?"

"Just a girl who thinks she knows more than she really does.  It doesn't really matter.  Thanks for smuggling me over here.  I saved your life and you saved mine, so we're even steven now.  Anyway big change is coming and if you don't jump off a cliff you'll never know if you can fly."

"What the shit are you talking about?" Beezus asked, "What am I supposed to do?"

"Turn into a dragon!" Flemith cackled and then jumped off a cliff and turned into a dragon and flew away.

Back in the elf camp the Keeper was like, "Good job, your debt's repaid, and Merrill will go with you.  We don't want her here anymore.  Fucking blood mage..."

So Merrill joined the party and as she was an elf, she had to take up residence in the alienage, and for the first time since she'd come to Kirkwall, Beezus didn't mind living in Crackton.

**Next time on Dragon Age...**

"Sure we'll help you get your stolen lyrium you're smuggling back!"

"YOU ARE THE WORST BEEZUS!  I'M A COP REMEMBER?!  I CAN'T BE REENACTING THE OMAR SCENES FROM THE WIRE WITH YOU!!!"

"You were cooler when you were an aerobics instructor..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary
> 
> I've got too many party members now which means people are getting benched. At present Varric's riding the pine, but not because he's annoying or anything like that. It's more a case of Beezus being a rogue and thus not needing another rogue at present. I'd honestly rather bench Aveline Templar because she's annoying as hell, but I've got no warrior to replace her with. She's already pretty close to the bottom of my all time companion ranking list...a pretty impressive feat for someone I've spent but three or four hours with thus far.


	4. Dragon Age - S03E04 - Kirkwall Nights

Walking the streets of Lowtown after dark clearly made Merrill and Bethany uncomfortable and perhaps, were it not for the steel blades concealed inconspicuously on her back, Beezus would have felt the same.  There was a certain sinister feeling in the air as they, along with Officer Aveline Templar made their way to the alleged ambush point where Officer O'Donald was scheduled to get attacked by various assassins and blackguards.  The fact that they'd been waylaid by three dozen random gangsters on their way to the spot probably didn't help the overall mood of the party.

"C'mon, Officer O'Donald should be right over here!" Aveline Templar said, tightening her headband, Rambo style.

As they approached O'Donald, it became quite obvious that he was already wounded, though it did not appear to be overly serious.  Banditos leaped out of the shadows and did some sick parkour moves off the roofs and shit.  Well Beezus had some sweet moves of her own and did a Chun Li spinning bird kick into a guy and then a backflip and stabbed some knives really fast at another.  Beth and Merrill were putting chumps on blast and Duke the Dog totally bit an assassin right in the ballsack.

"Let's get outta here!" one of the assassins shouted, grasping at his clearly dog injured dick region, but he never made it far as Merrill plot knifed her arm and caused blood magic to totally wreck that guys shit.  She was a bloody mess, but Beezus found her all the more charming.  She tore her eyes away from the Dane and looked at Aveline who was eye-fucking Officer O'Donald something fierce.  Beezus just sighed and looked at the sack that O'Donald had been carrying.  It was a bunch of expense reports and shit.  They had unknowingly discovered some police corruption.

"The chief of police is going to pay for this," Beezus said, "I am so going to enjoy ramming a knife in his heart."

"NO!" Aveline shouted, "No knives in the heart!  We do this by the book...he should have a fair trial."

"Your funeral I guess," Beezus shrugged, "Anyway we did your thing, now let's go do mine."

"Fine," Aveline huffed, clearly annoyed.  To Officer O'Donald she was like, "I'll call you later."

A short distance from where they'd just fought assassins and stopped police corruption they met a dwarf.  Beezus' former boss, Pete Rose of the Cincinnati Reds, had introduced her to the dwarf as the dwarf had needed some mercenary work done, but the Reds had an away game in Arizona against the D-backs and wouldn't be able to do it.

"Yer the guy?" the dwarf asked.

"Well, I'm not a guy exactly but yes, I've been sent to do some work for you," Beezus replied.

"I had a shipment of goods that got borrowed by some friendly neighborhood smugglers but they won't give it back.  They were all smiling and shit, but man...I need my stuff back," the dwarf said in a most giggly manner.  Chances were the guy was high as fuck.

"It was lyrium wasn't it?" Beezus asked.

"He he he...how'd ya know?" the dwarf asked, quite clearly trippin' balls, "I was going to sell it to some templar fiends but those damned smugglers won't gimme it back."

"Alright guy," Beezus said, "We'll get your lyrium back for you."

"Great...one more crime you're making me an accessory to!" Aveline Templar moaned.

"Cram it, or you'll be riding pine from here until the big set-piece battle that will close out this game!" Beezus said, "Now come on, we've got some bandito skulls to bust and I for one do not want to be on the front lines of such a battle."

The posse found the smuggler's lair right where the high as fuck dwarf said it would be.  Inside some smugglers tried some funny shit Dave Chapelle and thus Beezus put a few stab wounds in their lapels.  With smugglers totally annihilated Beezus opened a treasure box and found that it was totally empty.

"Those guys probably got high on their own supply," she said, "Well I guess we have no choice but to go tell that dwarf he's shit out of luck."

Outside the smuggler's shack they were confronted by a bunch of Davinters.  "It's not the elf!" one of them screamed and then another was like, "Yo mang kill 'em anyway!"  A battle erupted in the elven alienage with Beezus and company battling hella Davinter jerkasses.  Beezus had never liked the Davinters much.  They were pretty much suckbags prone to treating the poor and weak like shit and thus she wasn't even sad when she stabbed their eyeballs out.  With a bunch of Davinters dead and dying, Beezus thought it would be a good time to roll out, but they were accosted by another Davinter suckbag.

"You guys are sooooo going to die by my hand!" the suckbag said, but then some sort of late-90s early-aughts Final Fantasy character with a ludicrously big sword showed up and did that thing from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where he ripped a dude's heart out.

He was emo as fuck, as all late-90s early-aughts Final Fantasy characters were prone to be, whining about how he was an escaped slave and his master had tracked him from Davinter to Kirkwall and this entire thing with a box and lyrium was a scam just to lure the Davinters out of hiding or something and then he was like, "Yo guys my master is in a mansion up in Millionaire's Row.  I'm going to go kill him.  Meet me up there if you want in on murder."

Beezus hated slavers and agreed to this plan and went up to Millionaire's Row where they broke into a guy's mansion.  Beezus was sneaking across the foyer when the emo elf was like, "YO DOUGLAS!!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!!! I'M HERE WITH THREE SEXY LADIES TO WRECK HOUSE ON YOU!!!!!!"

"Jesus," Beezus whispered, "Do you know nothing about discretion?  The goal here is to kill the guy without him knowing we're coming.  Dude's probably jumped out a window or went out a back door you moron."

"Whatever," Feneris the emo elf Final Fantasy dude said, "YO DOUGLAS!!!!!! WHERE YOU AT MANG?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Suddenly a bunch of demons attacked but Beezus and her posse best them.  Feneris or whatever kept screaming about "DOUGLAS!!!!!!!!!" as soon as she opened the door an more demons would attack.  Beezus was getting fed up with the annoying elf but said nothing.  After awhile it was clear all the demons were vanquished but Douglas was nowhere to be found.

"Well that was a bust," Cloud Strife the elf said, "I am not sure how my former master was able to escaped, but as promised here is the coin I promised.  Moreover should you ever have need of a brooding elf with an impossible haircut and a big ass sword who cannot keep his mouth shut you need but ask.  By the way I noticed you had a mage in your party.  Don't trust her too much."

"Dude there were two mages in the party, and they are both way more awesome than you.  Anyway enjoy staying here completely forgotten until there's some sort of 'You gotta defend the gates and fight the final battle,' plot and I drag you out to defend the gates with whatever jokers I decide to hate between now and the final battle."

"Very well...see you in a bunch of episodes," Cloud Strife the emo elf said.

As Beezus and her friends parted company with the elf she noticed a help wanted ad on a wall, "HALP! MY SON WAS KIDNAPPED BY QUNARI!  I AM RICH!  INQUIRE AT THE VISCOUNT'S BATTLEDOME!"

"This looks promising indeed..." **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary
> 
> Dragon Age 2 continues the tradition of me hating ever single warrior classed companion except Dog and to a lesser extent Shale.  I guess I'm going to go two rogues and two mages for the time being and see how that works out.  I assume it will be fine in the beginning but worry about later combat chunks, but that is a bridge I'll cross when I get there.  So far I am digging Dragon Age 2 a lot.  I like Kirkwall as a base of operations since it feels more like a city than any of the cities in the first game (or its expansions) did.


	5. Dragon Age - S03E05 - Everybody Hates Qunaris!

Beezus strolled into the Viscount's Viscountery like a boss. She'd caught a wiff of some money to be hustled and since trips into the Deep Roads aren't free unless you are a Dwarf or a Grey Warden or a Darkspawn or some random idiotic hunters from Amaretto she needed all the coin she could get.  "One last score," she thought to herself as she walked into the office, "and then I can buy Mom that big house she'd always wanted and get Beth into rehab or whatever."

But there was a problem.  As she walked up to the Viscount's vissecretary she overheard the dude jawing with a particular swarthy woman who was as annoying as she was swarthy.  "The wintas will git that kid back!" she was going on and on about, "We'll bring a whole platoon and be sure to git that brat kid back from those damned horndogs."

The vissecretary just shrugged, "I dunno why you need an entire platoon to get one kid back from one Qunari, but whatever.  Just remember you don't get paid if the kid is dead."

The swarthy rude woman walked away and was like, "Outta my bitch," to Beezus and shoulder-bumped her as she made her way out.  Beezus would not soon forget that slight.

Beezus approached the vissecretary and was like, "Um I'm here about that job.  Is it still available?"

The vissecretary sighed, "Yes.  God why did I post a help wanted ad on Craig's List?  So many mercenary troupes looking for casual hookups it's getting on my last nerve!  Anyway, like I just told that horrible woman, the viscount's visson was kidnapped by a goddamn Qunari out on the Gold Coast.  Bring back his son and you get a reward.  Kill the Qunari if you need to, but keep the boy safe.  Alright?"

"Yup.  Sounds simple enough.  Bring a son back alive get real paid.  Fuck it up, go back to Lowtown to try to hustle someone else," Beezus said and then turning to her posse was like, "Okay dudes we're rolling out." 

The party headed towards the Gold Coast to save a dude were were suddenly ambushed by a mountainous pass.  While trying to find a way out of the pass, they killed a couple spiders.  As the last spider trying to write "Some Pig" with spiderwebs fell to Beezus' hella sharp knives, a random dwarf showed up with a couple of swordsmen.  "Man you guys are the best!" the dwarf said, "These swordsmen are punk mark busters.  Anyway I've got some deal with the Qunari cooking.  If I take out some Qunari rebels they'll hook me up with some Qunari gunpowder...it doesn't even need lyrium!  So how about this...if you help me with the rebels I'll let you in on the ground floor with this gunpowder deal."

"Sounds like a solid hustle," Beezus said, "Alright I'm in.  I'm headed towards the Gold Coast to kill some Qunari dirtbags anyway."

In the Gold Coast Beezus encountered a surly elf harassing a guy who claimed to used to be a wolfmang.  The surly elf wanted to kill the guy, but Beezus, doing her best kindergarten teacher impression was like, "What would your mother think to hear you threatening to kill a guy who was cursed with lycanthropy?  I'm quite certain she'd be very disappointed."

The surly elf got a real hangdog look and was like, "Yeah...she probably would.  Thanks random stranger for stopping me from making a huge mistake."

"No problem.  That's kind of what I do."

With some random conflict resolved, Beezus set off up some hills where they were waylaid by random Qunaris.  The Qunaris all had wicked sunburns that were peeling and looked hella gross.  "You dude's should have worn sunblock...or t-shirts!" Beezus bellowed as she and her crew battled the badly sunburned Qunaris all the way up to a cave.  It was clear that these were the rebels that random dwarf had spoken of, and that there were more of them in the cave, so Beezus and her forces of might headed in and roughed up some more dudes.  When the Qunari rebel leader was chopped up into little bits, they felt they had killed enough rebels to satisfy that random dwarf's needs and headed down the mountain again.

"We still need to find that kid...the viscount's visson," Beezus said as they tromped past a bunch of sunburned monster corpses.

Down on the beach they saw that Wintas lady standing over a single dead Qunari and a dude who was probably 23 or 24 years old.  Beezus was hella confused because it was clear, from the random crap the Wintas lady was yelling, that this 23 year old was the "boy" that had been kidnapped.  It was also clear from the single sleeping bag and various fluid stains on the visson's doublet that this was less a kidnapping and more a case of interracial beach humping.  She'd have to keep this place in mind if she ever got Merrill to notice her.  Why did Merrill and Varric have such an easy rapport?  All Daisy this and poppet that...

She was brought back to reality by the Wintas lady threatening to cut the visson's tongue out of his mouth.  "Hey you!  Leave that kid alone.  Let's have a rumble knife fight!" Beezus said and then it was go time.  STAB! STAB! STAB!  As the swarthy lady started to die she was like, "There's hella more Wintas on the way."

"Wait did she say 'hella more?'" Varric asked.

Suddenly hella more Wintas attacked.  The swarthy woman had mentioned bringing an entire platoon, but this seemed like less than a platoon and soon they were dead.  The visson was like, "Ew....there's so much blood.  It's nasty as shit," and Beezus comforted him, "There there...it will all be over soon."

And then there was more battling.  But Beezus and Beth and Varric and Merrill were so tough and killed everyone.  Oh, and Duke the Dog was there too.  He bit no fewer than 4 Wintas directly on their cocks, ending them, and their family line.  With the Wintas defeated Beezus talked to the visson, "Yo dude, do we need to bury your gay lover or anything?  I don't really know what Qunaris get on about."

"No, he is not him anymore.  Just leave him here.  His shabagok will know he's here...or they won't," the visson said.

"Alright, whatever.  Let's get you back to your dad and get me real paid dude."

Back at the viscount's vishouse a gentleman by the name of Sean "Big Red" Chal paid Beezus and was like, "Yo the Viscount wants to thank you personally."

So Beezus met the viscount, but a fight between the Viscount and his son broke out over interracial homosexuality so Beezus was like, "This isn't really any of my business, so I'd going to get out of here now."

That night, Beezus found herself alone in the red light district of Millionaire's Row.  Why had that fight between the viscount and his visson made her feel so awkward?  Was it because of the way she felt about Merrill?  A woman clad in rather revealing garb called out from a doorway, "Come in for a drink serah?" and Beezus soon found herself within.  She sat down at the bar next to a man she soon realized was her Uncle Crumbbum.

"I won't mention this to your mother if you don't," he said and then went back to pretending he did not know her.

An older woman approached Beezus and was like, "Oh fantastic...another Feldsparian.  This isn't a Chantry charity you know.  It's 2gp for deluxe humping, 1gp for regular humping, and 50sp for maybe someone will touch you for a second."

Beezus, took the coins she'd been paid for saving the visson out of her purse and thrust them into the owner's hands, "I'll take the deluxe!"

The woman bit the coins, "Solid gold!  Alright serah, take your pick from anyone in the lounge."

Beezus stood and crossed the room to the elf she had been eyeing for the bulk of the evening.  "Hi, I've got a room upstairs, what do you say?" she said.

The elf batted her eyelashes and declared, "You I would have done for free."

Beezus awoke awhile later feeling even worse for herself.  The elf, Katriela, was still asleep as Beezus pulled her pantaloons back on and headed out of The Blooming Onion.  It was only a few hours 'till daybreak and she'd need to go down to the docks to meet that random dwarf about the Qunari gunpowder deal.  So she headed back home to Lowtown and crept into her Uncle's shack.  He mother was still awake.

"Do you know what time it is?" her mother asked, "Your sister came home hours ago!  I've been worried sick!  Where were you?"

"Leave me alone Mom...I'm tired and want to go to sleep."

"But Carver died...what if the same thing happened to you?"

"Mom, I'm not Carver.  I'm not a level 1 moron alright.  If you really want to know, I was sexing it up with an elf."

"But what if you get with an elf-blooded child?!  What then?!"

"Do you not see my haircut Mom?  It is totally impossible to get with child from the sexing I got up to."

"Anal?"

"Jesus!" Beezus declared, "I'm going to bed."

The next morning Beezus set out with Beth, Merrill and Varric.  Things were going a lot smoother now that Officer Templar wasn't speaking with her.  Who'd have thought she'd have gotten so pissed off after becoming the Chief of Police for busting up that corruption ring?  All Beezus had done was tell Tina to stay out of her shit.  Who'd get angry about that?

Down at the docks they met the dwarf.  He was still random and was like, "C'mon let's go met Harry Shock, the Qunari boss."

Harry Shock and his dudes were chilling on a stoop and the dwarf was like, "Yo mang about that gunpowder deal.  I killed those rebels so let's do trading!"

But Harry Shock was like, "You are a stupid dwarf.  We will not trade with you.  First of all, we never told you to kill those rebels, that was something you devised to prove yourself to us and second you didn't even do it...she did and now you dishonor her by claiming her victory for your own."

"Look dude, me and this dwarf are business partners.  He had big plans for that gunpowder shit and I was to get a cut of the action.  So you are basically taking coin out of my pocket."

"DWARF YOU DISHONOR ME WITH YOUR SHITTY PROMISES!" Harry bellowed, "PAY HER AND BE GONE FROM MY SIGHT!"

"Sodding sod sod sodden soddite!" the random dwarf muttered in dwarven as he handed Beezus some coins.  Beezus looked to Varric in askance but Varric just shook his head "no."

"I feel sorry for you stupid humans and elves and dwarfs...living in such a shitty city.  A city without order...without QUN!"

"I like it," Beezus said, "Life's messy and shit.  Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, but we have freedom to choose what we do."

"That is a shitty way to live!  We should follow QUN! and then everyone will do what is best for the QUN!  Your way is wrong!  Why should someone with your martial prowess do something other than being a warrior?"

"Because maybe baking bread makes me happier...or singing...or fishing," Beezus replied.  God were these Qunari annoying as shit.

Harry Shock roared with rage, "Happiness is a lie!  The QUN! is all!  Perhaps we will help you to see that."

"You are talking about military rule!  People will not like that."

"Not military rule...the QUN!  It is different, though I can understand how someone as stupid and ignorant as you might see them as being one and the same.  Now begone from my sight!" Harry Shock said and leaned real low in his lawnchair.

"Gladly...ya piece of shit..." Beezus muttered as she walked off.  She had a feeling that she'd not seen the last of the Qunari.

**Next time on Dragon Age...**

"That's mother's engagement portrait!  And she looks hella happy!"  

"Yo what the shit is that?!"  "It's a qunari mage...I need you to smuggle him out of the city."  

"Way to make me choose between my hatred of Qunari and my hatred of bad treatment of mages chantry lady..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary
> 
> I actually did a lot of random jackassing around this session, exploring random parts of town and handing in random "You found this thing and randomly give it to some random guy who says, 'Those morons never knew what hit 'em!' or 'I thought I'd lost this forever!' before giving you like 50 XP and 50 silver coin" quests, but those aren't particularly interesting to write up.  I also actually met Anders, but since I didn't actually do any of his plot besides talk to him his introduction will come when I actually finish his plot.  Though I do love the fact that he apparently quit the Grey Wardens over Sir Pounce-a-lot the cat.  Maybe if Odette hadn't retired as Warden Commander after killing Octo-Titty to run off with Leliana, Anders would still be a Grey Warden.


	6. Dragon Age - S03E06 - Everybody Still Hates Qunaris!

The suckbag Davinter slaver collapsed in a heap of being dead in the basement of Mom Hawke's ancestral manor and Beezus dusted her hands off. "That's the last of those suckbags," she said as she rummaged through the recently deceased's pockets, "And what do you know, he's got the key to the vault you were so keen on locating dear Bethany. Come on, let's see what we find."

Up to the vault the climbed and once inside found the lost treasures of Mom Hawke's youth. There was an engagement portrait and Granddad's will and a sweet Not-Hawke Family Crest that Bethany quickly called dibs on. "Oh sister!" she exclaimed as she affixed the crest to her chainmail bustier, "It's everything I'd hoped it would be! Come! We must return home and show this to mother at once!"

"Agreed."

**Opening Credits**

"I gotta get out of here," Beezus said as she headed for the door.  Since returning to Uncle Crumbbum's shack with Granddad's will he and her mother had been screaming at each other something ferocious.  Crumbbum had stormed out after awhile and once more her mother had fallen into a deep depression over Carter's demise.  Beezus felt horrible and needed air.

"Bethany, go with your sister...she's probably going to go do buttstuff with that horrible elf man again!" their mother wailed, "Oh my poor Carter...you were just a baby...."

"Sister wait!  Don't go!" Bethany called and ran out after her.  

Beezus stopped and waited as Bethany ran to catch up to her with Duke the Dog on her heels.  The night air was cool and rather refreshing even here in the slums of Crackton.  Panting, Bethany finally caught up to her, "You're not really going to do buttstuff with that horrible elf...Cloud Strife or Squall Lionheart or whatever his name is are you?  Don't you...you know...like girls or something?"

"Ew...you didn't really think I would ever let that creepy guy touch me did you?" Beezus asked, "I haven't talked to him since the night we helped him kill demons and he called you and Merrill cold hearted snakes and then threw a bottle of wine at the wall...good wine at that."

"Oh good.  So where did Mom get the idea that you were humping an elf...oh...you and Merrill!  Mom doesn't know you like ladies does she?"

"No, not me and Merrill...but you're right about Mom not knowing."

"How does she not?  You're not exactly discreet in your dealings.  Like you and that nun in Lothering...everyone in town knew about that!"

As they talked they had walked and Beezus soon realized that they were very near to the alienage. Suddenly she heard a familiar voice call, "Hawke and Hawke is that you?"

Beezus turned to see the dwarf Varric walking towards them with Merrill.  Beezus could feel her face redden as they came closer.  "Hawkes, what are you two doing out here so late?" Varric asked.

"You know how it is," Beezus began, "Sometimes you just need to get out and get some fresh air...well maybe you don't know Varric, being a dwarf and all, but sometimes humans need to get out of tiny cramped shacks where scummy uncles and depressed moms are arguing over inheritance."

"Sounds about right," Varric said, "I was just helping Daisy here get back to the alienage.  Poor dear still gets lost when she goes to the market."

"Kirkwall is just so big!" Merrill said dreamily, "I'm not sure how the rest of you manage so well."

Beezus smiled, "I'm not entirely sure of it myself.  My hometown was much smaller than this as well, but you'll get used to it.  You just need time."

In the distance Beezus noticed some uncouth ruffians harassing a Chantry nun.  "Against my better judgement I think we should help that woman," she said, "Come on guys."

As they rushed to the alleyway Varric joked, "Hawke I'm surprised at you...that cop you hang out with isn't even here right now."

In the alley Beezus, Varric, Beth and Merrill beat down a heap of banditos.  It was just another night in Crackton.  Blades flashed and magics exploded and Varric was yelling stuff like, "One more for me!  How many did you get Hawke!?" and then the fight was over.  Beezus quickly pocketed the meager coins and rubbish items banditos are known to carry with them always before the nun realized what was going on.  The nun finally stood and was like, "Oh thank you very much.  I had come here because I needed someone familiar with Darktown for a matter that must be handled with the utmost discretion.  That person is now you.  Come speak to me again in my safehouse over there."

"Wait...why am I roped into this?" Beezus shouted as the nun walked away.

"Because you're a good person and also a dirtbag who lives in Crackton.  Those were my two requirements."

**Commercial Break**

The Templar with a shitty Moe from the Three Stooges haircut scowled at the pair of mages standing before him in the nun's safehouse as the nun came out of the backroom.  "Put your sword away Sir Cockmonger.  These people are here to help with Kokomo."

"What's a Kokomo?" Beezus asked.

"This is Kokomo!" the nun said and dragged a qunari out of the backroom.  He was all fucked up looking with chains and some big thing on his neck and maybe no tongue or something, because his speech was all fucked up.  Also his horns looked broken or cut or something and he had a weird mask on.

"What the fuck are we supposed to do with a qunari who's hella into S&M?" Beezus asked.

"Um...he's a mage.  This is what the Qunari do to their mages.  I need you to help him escape from the city so he can have his freedom," replied the nun.

"Way to make me choose between my hatred of Qunari and my hatred of bad treatment of mages chantry lady..." Beezus muttered, "Alright I'll help you get this guy out of the city, because I guess he's not like those other jerkass Qunari anyway if he wants to run away.  It's going to be hella hard to get him out of the city without anyone noticing though.  He's not exactly inconspicuous."

"There are tunnels under this building that will lead to the Gold Coast or thereabouts."

"That's convenient," Beezus said and then asked, "You'll still be here when I get back?"

"Yup.  Just come back here once Kokomo's freed and you will be paid in full."

Down into the tunnels they went with Kokomo, battling horrible spiders and disarming random traps.  The entire thing was remarkably easy going, until of course they approached, several hours later the exit that would take them out to the Gold Coast or thereabouts.  Before the exit they were confronted by some dirtbag Kirkwallers who yelled nationalistic crap about Beezus' obvious Feldsparian ancestry and the people of Feldspar "takin' all arr jorrrrrbs!!" and then implying that Beezus was some sort of S&M pervert who got into some horrible Salo-esque nonsense with a qunari.

Beezus was getting pretty pissed off, but not as pissed off as Kokomo who was basically turning into a super saiyan.  One of the knuckleheads was slightly less knuckleheaded and was like, "Uh boss, you might not want to piss these guys off.  They look crazy tough," but the lead knucklehead was like, "Piss off ya wanker!" and a fight was fought.  The Marchers were easy kills for an elite strike force like Beezus, Beth, Merrill and Varric along with a giant qunari wizard, and with them totally ruined the party headed out of the tunnels.

**Commercial Break**   


Outside the tunnel they were on the Gold Coast or thereabouts and they made their way down to the shore so Kokomo could jump into the ocean over Beezus as she raised her fist in triumph.  But before Kokomo could jump into the ocean a heap of badly sunburned Qunari showed up and were like, "Something something sarabas.  Something something something.  QUN! Something something something something."  The leader then used a remote control on Kokomo that made him fall down.  

Beezus was already sick of this entire thing but the use of a remote control on Kokomo like he was some sort of commonplace golem was too much and she was like, "Yo listen douchelord, not all mages are evil or dangerous.  Take my sister Bethany for instance.  She's as gentle as a kitten..."

"YOUR SISTER IS SARABAS?!  THAT MAKES YOU BAS SARABAS!!! YOU COME FROM A POISONED WOMB!!!!" the lead sunburned qunari screamed, "YO MAMA'S SO LAME THAT SHE GAVE BIRTH TO SARABAS!!"

The fact that a stupid qunari had basically made a "Yo Mama" joke at Beezus' expense pissed her off to no end.  FIGHT IT OUT!!!  The party bested the sunburned qunari, but it became super obvious to Beezus that the entire thing had been a set up.  That stupid nun back in Crackton had set up this ambush trying to get her killed.  She was going to pay for it...as soon as she stopped Kokomo from committing suicide!

"Kokomo what are you doing mang?!" Beezus screamed, "You're supposed to jump over me into the ocean while I yell, 'YEAAAAAAH!' and do a triumphant fist pump.  You're not supposed to reenact that picture that Rage Against the Machine used on the cover of their first album..."

  
_FREEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!! Yeah right..._

But it was too late.  Beezus' heartfelt words fell on deaf ears because Kokomo was already totally a skeleton.  Man was that horrible nun going to pay for her crimes!  Beezus and her friends ran back to the safe house and arrived just as Sir Cockmonger and Sister Asshole were attempting to destroy all the evidence of what they'd done.  "Uh...you're alive..." the nun stuttered as she jammed a heap of papers into a document shredder.

"No thanks to you!" Beezus spat venomously, "You set us up!  There were nationalistic Free Marchers in the sewers and then a heap of sunburned Qunari who wanted to take Kokomo back when we got out on the Gold Coast.  The made a joke about my mom so we had to wreck house on them."

"I had no choice.  It was the only way to prove to everyone how much of a danger these Qunari and the QUN! really are.  It's a danger to everything...to our very way of life."

"Listen lady, you just cost yourself a very valuable ally, so you better watch your back because the next time I see you, I'm going to kill you."

The nun smirked smugly and laughed haughtily, "I have no intention of ever setting foot in Crackton ever again, so I doubt very much I will ever see any of you cretins ever again.  Now excuse me, I am quite ready to be away from this hovel and into a nice hot bath."

As the nun and her Templar walked passed Beezus clenched her fist.  One day she would have her revenge on that woman...and on the qunari for that sick burn they delivered about her mom's uterus...  
  
**Next time on Dragon Age...**  

Beezus helps out a blast from the Dragon Age past!  Tune in next time as special guest star Andy returns in a very special Dragon Age.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: I wonder if Beezus' mom will ever get her audience with the viscount.  Uncle Crumbbum claimed it would take forever because the Hawkes were a bunch of scumbags, but I really hope she gets the house back and stops whining about Carter soon.  The two rogues two wizard party is still my go to party for plot, but I've started taking Aveline out on some of the lesser missions and thus was treated to the exchange of Merrill asking her if she was a bad cop for letting "us (Hawke and the other party members) break the law all the time."


	7. Dragon Age - S03E07 - You Can Do Magic

Beezus stood over the ruined, smoldering corpses of a bunch of shitty dock workers as the Cincinnati Reds utility player she'd been sent to rescue came to, "Uhh...hey I know you. You were the shortstop for the Reds last season right?  Did Mereen send you?"

"Yeah, Mereen sent us to save you and finish off the target?  Where are they by the way?  Are they dead already?"

"No," a voice said. Beezus wheeled around to see a rich guy who was clearly the guy she had been tasked with killing, "I'm not dead. I had hella guards and was well prepared, but you would be too if you were me. You know who sent you?  I don't mean the Cincinnati Reds' manager either...who hire you?  Lord Grumblebuns?  Lady Hardazz?  Maybe Senator Palpetine?"

"Wow a lot of people want to kill you," Beezus replied nonchalantly.

"You want to know why?" the target asked nonplussed.

"Sure, why not?"

"Because I convinced the Viscount to send money to help with the relief effort in Feldspar," the man said, "My political rivals do not want this money sent to the so-called 'dog lords,' and think that by having me killed they can prevent that."

"Dude you want to help my countrymen? Mad respect. I'm not going to kill you, and to be totally honest I kind of feel bad about this pile of corpses now."

"Meh what can you do?"

\---

Beezus Hawke found herself in the elven alienage again walking past the same merchant stall she'd walked past a half dozen times over the past few days trying to work up the courage to knock on Merrill's door and ask her out on a date...something low key...maybe drinks at the Hanged Man or some light muscle for hire work.  As Beezus eyed Merrill's door and pretended to be interested in the handcrafted elven trinkets the hawker was hawking to Hawke she saw a Templar harassing an elven woman.

"You need to convince your son to turn himself in to the Circle," the Templar said, "Things will go a lot better for him if he turns himself in then if the Templars find him first."

"Okay...okay," the lady said and the Templar headed off.

Beezus sauntered over to the lady, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing that Templar giving you some shit.  Is there anything I can help you with?"

"It's my son...he's got the magics and for a long time I tried to help him hide, but recently he's been having Fade dreams.  I got scared so I turned to the Tower of Wizard Shit for help.  My son was furious and left, and now I'm scared that he'll hurt himself or someone else."

The elven woman reminded her of Mom Hawke and Beezus decided to try to help the woman.  "Alright I'll see if I can find your son before he gets hurt or hurts anyone else.  My sister...she's a mage too...so I understand how you feel right now, but I must ask why not go back to the Danish?  You've got Danish facial tats, and as far as I know, so long as you're not doing blood magic, the Danes don't care if you can do magic."

"That it's my fault..." she began, "When I was a younger woman I fell in love with a human man.  I was young and foolish and laid with him and got with child and for this I was shunned by my people.  I cannot imagine how they would treat with my son."

Beezus felt heartbroken.  Were she to date Merrill would she cause the poor girl to be shunned even more by her people?  She tried to put the thoughts from her mind.  She had work to do, though deep down she wondered how many of these tasks she had taken on because she did not want to deal with the strange feelings Merrill stirred within her.  She walked back home and summoned her allies and then set out to find a poor half-elf apostate.  They first spoke with the Templar Beezus had seen in the Alienage trying to determine where the boy might have gone.

Surprisingly the Templar, a fellow named Trask, was rather open minded about the idea of mages, seeing the Tower of Wizard Shit as a means to teach mages how to use their gifts safely and he was quite free with the fact that he overlooked a former Templar who aided apostates in escaping the Tower of Wizard Shit via human smuggling.

"I'm not really sure where that Templar is," Trask said, "But I've seen him in Lowtown after dark a few times.  He might have a lead on where the boy could have gone if he was trying to escape."

That night Beezus crept out of her Uncle's shack, careful not to wake her mother who would obviously get the wrong idea as to what she was up to creeping off into the night.  Beezus really did not want to have another argument over the elven anal sex that she most certainly was not having.  Outside she encountered Varric and Merrill walking towards the Hanged Man together.  She felt like vomiting.

"Hawke where are you heading?" Varric asked as he caught sight of her.

"I was going to look for that Templar Trask told me about.  He might know something about that half-elf mage," she replied.

"Let us come why don't you?" Merrill asked cheerfully, "We were just going to have a drink or two but this seems more important."

"Daisy's right Hawke," Varric said, "It's too dangerous to be creeping around after dark by yourself.  I don't think I could live with myself if I found you with your throat slit and and your coin purse emptied tomorrow morning."

"Alright fine.  You two can come."

Together the prowled the streets, finally finding a man who looked like a former templar helping mages escape the Tower of Wizard Shit.  Beezus called out, "Yo dude, have you seen a half-elf mage recently?  He's mom's worried about him and wants to know if he's alright.  I'm not with the Tower or the Templars or anything like that.  In fact my sister's totally an apostate too and my friend's a blood mage.  You don't even have to worry alright?"

The man was all like, "Okay...I guess that's cool...I know a ship captain who helps mages get out of the city sometimes.  He took the boy you speak of a few days ago but there's been some trouble so they're probably still down at the docks.  I'd check there first if I were you."

Down at the docks they battled seamen and forced their way into the private docks of the ship captain the former Templar had told them about, but what they saw their made Beezus totally barf in rage.  There were slavers pushing a girl mage about.

"Goddamn Davinters..." Beezus muttered as she watched them try to tie the girl's hands.  It was more than Beezus could take and she yelled, "We gotta help her!  C'mon."

But it was too late.  As they rushed onto the deck of the ship, the girl mage transmogrified into a Hamburger Helper Shit Wizard.  "I TOOOOOOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ME!!!" the shit wizard screamed as it summoned skeleton forces to aid in the fight.

  
_A girl wizard sometimes becomes a shit wizard during wizard puberty..._

Beezus battled the Davinters along side the shit wizard, but as far as she knew once someone went full shit wizard there was no going back and thus she had no choice but to kill the poor girl she'd been trying to save.  Oh wait, she was trying to save a boy...not a girl...she was still sad though.  That shit wizard could have been Beth...

With a heavy heart Beezus ransacked the boat, stealing a bunch of crap and finding a slaver manifest that said a couple mages had been stashed in the stash house on the Gold Coast.  There was also a letter addressed to Trask from his daughter...the shit mage.  Beezus thought it might be wise to pay Trask a visit before heading off to the stash house.  They found him at his post in the Gallows.

"Dude I found this letter to you.  I had no idea your daughter was a m-a-g-e," she said, spelling out the word 'mage,' so the other Templars milling about would not know what they were talking about.

"Yes, so I suppose you can understand why I do what I do," Trask said, "So what will it be?  Blackmail?  Will you report me to the High Templar?"

"What?  Hell no.  My sister's an apostate too," Beezus said, "I'm not going to blackmail you or anything like that.  I mean if a mage wants to go to the Tower of Wizard Shit that's cool, but they shouldn't be forced to go or anything like that.  Anyway it looks like some Davinter suckbags have that kid, I'm going out after him.  Take care of yourself Trask, and I'm really sorry about what happened to your daughter.  If maybe I hadn't gotten attacked by those stupid banditos on the docks I might have gotten there in time."

"Nah it's cool dawg," Trask said, "I know you did your best.  Now hurry and get that boy back before he turns into a shit mage too!"

Beezus, Varric, Beth and Merrill made their way to the stash house out on the Gold Coast and battled some shitty Davinters.  They were all pretty easy kills except some Davinter mage who put himself in a bubble and was hella hard to kill, but they killed that guy too, and when he died there was an explosion and his body flew off the balcony where they had been battling.  Finally after much tromping through tunnels they came into a big room at the back of the stash house.

"Not another step or I will totally chop this fucking kid's head off!" a mustache guy on a ledge said.

"Varric this is kind of your thing..." Beezus said.

"Dude you are dumb as fuck.  You're threatening to cut the viscount's son's head off?  You realize that the entire Kirkwall Civil Defense Force will be up in your shit faster than you can say 'nug' if that happens don't you?" Varric lied masterfully.

"I don't really want that..." the mustache guy said, "But wait...this kid's an elf."

"A half-elf.  You don't think a rich guy like the viscount never got the urge to be an aravel creeper do you?  You seem like a smart guy, of course you don't.  The boy's his natural son...born off one of his maids, but he's fond of the lad none the less.  How do you think he's stayed out of the Tower so long?"

"Alright alright.  We don't want no trouble with the viscount.  Here's the boy...and here's the price we got for him for your troubles serah."

"Good lad," Varric said as the mustache guy headed out.

"You're not going to take me to the Tower of Wizard Shit are you?" the boy asked once the mustache guy was gone.

"Not if you don't want to go," Beezus said, "Your mom was worried about you is all.  Look mang, my sister is a mage out of the tower too, so I know what it's like trying to hide and shit, but the Templars are on your trail now, so hiding's going to be hard."

"What if I went to live with the Danish?"

"Well...the Danish don't like humans too much...or halflings, so you might have a hard time and be lonely, but you're right...they would not force you into the Tower."

"I'd rather be lonely and free than a prisoner," the boy said.

"Okay," Beezus said, "I know some people over there.  I'll talk to the Danish Keeper for you.  I'm also going to let your mom know where you are if she wants to see you.

"Thanks a million," the boy said.

That evening Beezus told the boy's mother that he'd gone to live with the Danish.  She was relieved that he was going to get wizard training so he wouldn't turn into a shit wizard, but sad that he was with the elves who had shunned her and would most likely shun him as well, but she thanked Beezus nonetheless.

Beezus walked home from the alienage thinking about mages and interracial relationships.  Even if she ever got up the courage to ask Merrill out on a date would anything good ever come of it?  Would it bring naught but heartache for them both?  As she walked up to her uncle's shitty shack she decided to try and put Merrill out of her mind and just focus on getting down into the Deep Roads on that expedition.  She needed to get some money and just get out of there once and for all.  As she walked into the house Uncle Crumbbum shouted, "Oi! There's some mail for you on the desk.  You get more of it than I do."

Beezus picked up the parchment and read...

_Dear Miss Hawke,_

_I have heard that you are a friend to mages and a rather skilled orator.  I have need of someone with your particular talents to solve a problem that could very easily become very bloody if not handled with the utmost discretion.  If you are interested in helping, please meet me in the Skull-On-Your-Map Sand Dunes._

_A Friend_

"Wake up Beth," Beezus said as she roused her sister, "We've got more mages to save."

 **End Credits**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: Varric and Merrill are both almost at max friendship with Hawke now so I've got that going for me.  I also have the 50 gold coins I need to become an investor (actually 60 something) since it's a lot easier to sell crap in this game than part 1.  First of all crap items are specifically labeled as crap items, not like Origins where crap items were just items so I never knew if I would need "wolf pelts" or "chipped diamonds" or whatever.  Secondly, since there's no armor for companions and no one uses the same weapons (except mages) it's a lot easier to sell gear.  No more, "Oh Ogden could use this breastplate when I get back to camp."  Also there's no more weapon slot 2 so every bow except Bianca gets sold like woah.  I did a lot more plot than I actually wrote here but again this is the best place to stop.  To my knowledge all I have left is some side plot with an escaped prisoner and the Anders plot before I can go into the Deep Roads.  I also have some quest about alchemist ingredients that it doesn't seem like I can actually finish since there's some plot marker on Sundermount, but nothing I can actually do now.  Maybe the plot thing was on the top part of the mountain where I revived Flemith and that seems inaccessible to me now.  Who knows?  It's not all that important anyway.


	8. Dragon Age - S03E08 - More Mage Shit

The sound of tiny beach dragons tearing flesh from the bones of those foolish enough to have been slain by tiny beach dragons was the only sound that stirred the otherwise silent night as Beezus Hawke and her companions carefully approached the meeting place that their mysterious employer had selected.

"Not a bad place for an ambush," Varric joked blackly.

The dwarf was absolutely correct. Far enough from the city and even proper trade roads if they were waylaid there be no chance of anyone accidentally stumbling open them to offer assistance.  Beezus ran down the ever growing list of people she had wronged since arriving in Kirkwall in her head: The Wintas, the Qunari, that horrible Chantry nun, that magister who's son was a psychopath pedophile cum serial murderer, the Davinters, and she'd have to add the Cincinnati Reds to that list if Mereen found out what she'd actually done on the last job.  Anyone of them had reason enough to try to wreck her shit out in the wastes.

"Right over there," Varric said, "Is that that Templar? Trask?"

Beezus hadn't even considered the Templars. She'd given them pretty wide berth since arriving, though with a pair of apostates counted among her friends she wasn't exactly surprised.

"Oh you've finally arrived. I was beginning to think you'd not show," said Trask as he spotted Beezus and her fellows, "I heard about what you did for that half-elf..."

Beezus caressed her extra bloody assault knife in preparation for what was sure to come, but to her surprise Trask was like, "There are some more mages in here I'd like to help. There's a troupe of Templars heading this way, but I think you can end this without bloodshed."

Beezus released her extra bloody assault knife as she agreed to help Trask get the mages to disperse quietly. Into yet another cave they trekked and were promptly attacked by skeleton forces.

"Blood mages...eww!" Bethany scowled disapprovingly.

Beezus heard Merrill give a small nervous sigh but tried to put thoughts of the elf out of her mind. "Come on let's see if we can't find anyone in here who doesn't want to kill us dead."

More zombies were wrecked and Beezus met a Mage named Kevin.  "Thank Jesus you're here!" Kevin yelled throwing his arms around Beezus, "It's blood magic! I just want to go back to the Tower of Wizard Shit but Destructimus and the others said we needed blood magic to keep ourselves safe. Well the Tower was safe enough for me thank you very much!"

"Kevin there's a Templar named Trask waiting outside. He can take you to the Tower," said Beezus.

Kevin rushed off to Trask and the party set off to find Destructimus and his homeboys. They found him. And knife attacked him. They killed him. With Destructimus dead, a random mage lady approached Beezus and was like, "You killed him! He was just trying to keep us safe from the Templars. We don't want to go back to the Tower."

"Alright I can understand that. Some of my best friends are apostates. I'll get rid of the Templars. You guys just chillax in here a bit. I'll come back when the exit is all clear alright?"

Outside other Templars had arrived and were jawing angrily at Trask.

"And who's this?" the lead angry Templar asked as Beezus and her friends emerged from the cave.

"Uhh...Trask's my boy," Beezus replied, nervously, "...and I was...umm...helping him out with these damn mages.  Yo Trask, they're all dead yo!"

"All dead?" Trask asked looking crestfallen.

"Yeah totally dead dude...wink wink nudge nudge."

The angry boss Templar was like, "Totally dead eh?  I think I'll check for myself."

"No!" Beezus exclaimed, "You can't!  Some jerkoff took a diarrhea dump in there and it's hella nasty! Please believe me!"

"What's going on here?" the hardass asked, "This sounds like some kind of bullshit!  Are you some kind of Mage lover or something? Templars...ATTACK!!!"

It was a battle royale with Templars fighting against Beezus posse. "Next time let me do the talking Hawke..." Varric joked as her fired a bolt into a particularly ugly looking Templar's crotchal area. She smirked but added Varric's ability to bullshit authority figures better than she could to the list of things she resented Varric for. With the battle concluded Beezus looked around. Trask had fought against his own dudes to save the mages.

The lady mage emerged and was like, "Thanks for that save. We're going to bail now alright?"

Trask was like, "I'll move some bodies around so it looks like an ambush happened. You guys get out of here alright? Yo Kevin sorry about all this blood and shit...I didn't want it to end this way. I didn't want it to end this way..."

 **Commercial Break**  


The next day back in Crackton, Mom Hawke had stopped sobbing, "Carter...my poor Carter..." for a few moments and to celebrate Beezus and Beth decided to make Lothering Surprise for supper, but needed some Denerimian chorizo.  Since none of the local shops carried such things, Beezus and her sister found themselves in a Feldsparian Imports shop.

"Can we get some Redcliffe Cracklins too?" Beth asked excitedly.

"Well see..." Beezus said as she opened the door to the shop, "Remember we're trying to save up for a trip to the Deep Roads...we can't go throwing our doubloons around on frivolous things like Redcliffe Cracklins or Mabari Crunch."  As the door swung open Beezus was hit by the pungent scent of unwashed flesh.  Inside of the shop, instead of the sketchy cuts of meat and dangerously close to expired snack cakes she expected to find, there were countless Feldsparians moaning about disease and dying.

"Um what's going on here?" Beezus asked the woman behind the counter.

"You damn Marchers won't do jackshit to help us.  Well the Warden will heal anyone who needs it!  I'll never tell you where he is."

Beezus sighed, "I'm not a Free Marcher...I'm from Lothering."

"Oh I'm sorry mistress.  I just assumed due to your clothes that you were one of those horrible Marchers," the woman said, "You seem to have done a tad better for yourself than most of your countrymen."

"You mentioned a Warden...from Feldspar," Beezus said, "I'd like a chance to speak with him.  I have business that will take me into the Deep Roads and perhaps he could have some advice for me."

"He's in the sewers, but don't try any funny shit.  He's a good man who gives all he can to help his countrymen."

Feeling somewhat guilty, Beezus dropped a couple coins into the donation box and thanked the woman and then made her way out of the shop without the chorizo or Redcliffe Cracklins.  "OI!  I heard you talkin' shit about the Warden Andrew you shitface Marcher!"

Some drunk assholes with swords and knives were rapidly approaching looking hella pissed off.  They were dirty and menacing and looked to do bodily harm to the Hawke girls.  Beezus did not have any strong desire to knife her countrymen into Denerimian chorizo and thus attempted to defuse the situation.  "Dudes...I'm from Lothering.  I'm just as Feldsparian as any of you," Beezus shouted over the roar of the crowd.

"Oh okay.  Sorry about that.  Long live King Brodude and Queen Amidala!"

"Yeah long live those people..." Beezus said and then turning to her sister and said, "We should go find that Warden.  He might know a good way into the Deep Roads."

"Ohh...what if he has maps!" Beth said enthusiastically clapping her hands.

"Maybe you're right!" Beezus exclaimed excitedly, "Alright!  Let's do it!  Let's go into the sewers and find him!"

"Ew the sewers?" Beth grimaced, "I wasn't really volunteering to go down there myself you know.  Why not ask that elf to go with you instead so I can sit this one out?"

"Merrill?  I'd rather not," Beezus replied, "Things are kind of complicated with her right now.  I mean I've made it pretty clear how I feel about her, but I don't know if she even notices me.  Like I was really sure she was into girls, but the way she and Varric are always hanging out and joking around with each other?  Maybe I was wrong..."

Beth sighed and replied sarcastically, "Calm down Brian Krakow, I wasn't talking about Angela.  I meant that other elf...the shitty brooding one."

"Ew...that's worse than the sewer.  I'll ask Aveline Templar to come I guess," Beezus said, and thus, after gathering her party she and her fellows set off for the sewers and met a mage and runaway Grey Warden named Andy.  Andy was a pretty cool dude.  He told Beezus about his cat Sir Pounce-a-lot and that he gave up being a warden after his boss left the company and her replacement made him give the cat away.

"I really liked that cat," Andy said wistfully.

"I'm more of a dog person myself," Beezus said, "But I understand how you feel.  My shitbag uncle wanted me to get rid of my Mabari Warhound..."

"Oh that sucks.  Hey you seem pretty cool.  Maybe you could help me out with something," Andy said, "My buddy is stuck in the Tower of Wizard Shit and wants out.  I'm going to meet him at the Chantry tonight and smuggle him out.  Maybe you could keep a look out for me and give a hoot like an owl if you see any Templars lurking about.  If you do this for me I can give you my Deep Road maps."

"Sounds good.  My sister is totally an apostate too so I'm very sympathetic to mage related issues," Beezus offered.

That night Beezus met Andy at the Chantry and they found his friend, Bruce the Mage.  Bruce had already had a mage castration and was Tranquil.  Bethany had told Beezus that being Tranquil was pretty much the worst thing ever so Beezus felt bad for the dude.  Suddenly there were Templars all up in the place.  Beezus got some knives moving and Andy used the force to put the Templars on blast.  Afterwards Andy killed his friend because his friend didn't want to be Tranquil.

"Yo dude what the F was that?" Beezus asked when they were safely away, "That didn't look like regular magic."

"Oh it wasn't.  Last season, before you or your friends were on the show, in the season finale I had to defend Fort Awesome from hella darkspawn.  Anyway one of our buddies at Fort Awesome was a spirit named Justice.  He had inhabited the body of a fallen Grey Warden and fought alongside us.  Anyway I kicked a lot of ass in the season finale, but Justice got his head cut off.  I guess the body wasn't all that important because a couple days later Justice was chilling out inside me.  He said he wanted to help me get Justice for the downtrodden, but mostly he and I just kill Templars and shit together because I'm super angry for some reason...even though last season I was just a goof with a cat.  Anyway, here's my Deep Roads map, and if you'll have me, I'll gladly join your gang.  We former denizens of Feldspar gotta stick together."

"Well, you can't possibly be worse than that stupid elf asshole in terms of brooding, so welcome aboard Andy."

 **Next time on Dragon Age...**  

"To most of the guys here you're just a bit of tits and ass to be groped..."

"I'll go to the whorehouse and figure out what's going on...sometimes a little pillow talk is more effective than a Templar Inquisition."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: I've heard terrible things about Anders in this game, but thus far he's a pretty okay dude, if somewhat less goofy than the last time around.  I must admit that I'm pretty disappointed that Justice survived somehow.  His death in Awakening should have held.  As always the interparty dialogue is awesome.  Anders and Merrill have good bickering about being possessed by a spirit of Justice vs. a demon.


	9. Dragon Age - S03E09 - Boobage & Blood Mages

Several days had passed rather uneventfully since the evening Beezus had met Anders.  She was rather anxious to get the Deep Roads adventure underway but still needed some coins.  Rather discouraged by her financial situation, she headed to the Hanged Man.  Perhaps Varric knew of some employment opportunity.  He usually had his ear to the ground about such things.  Perhaps she'd even talk to him about Merrill.  Beezus had done her level best to put the adorable elf out of her mind, but still found herself thinking about her.

As Beezus made her way into the Hanged Man a fight erupted between some scumbags and an overly busty woman in a hella short mini-skirt.  She had two knives and the grace of a trained duelist.  That the woman bested the scumbags rather easily was not surprising, but that she was able to do so without revealing her small clothes or having her bosoms, which Beezus determined to be noble as fuck, slip from behind their modest coverings was rather shocking to say the least.  Beezus applauded the woman for her fighting prowess and remarkable boobage.

"Well played," Beezus remarked.

"Thanks.  To the bulk of these idiots you're just a bit of tits and ass to be groped...some times you need to put them in their place," the woman said and then eyeing Beezus' rather modest bust added, "Well some of us are more tits and ass than others, but you know of what I speak...if only a very little bit."

"I suppose..."

"Look anyway, I need some help dueling a person from my past," the woman said out of the blue, "I think they'll try some funny shit so I'd like to have you keep a look out for trouble."

"Me?  Why?"

"You've got a nice ass, even if your boobs aren't quite so grand, and besides, I heard that you used to be the short stop for the Cincinnati Reds.  Clearly someone with that pedigree knows how to handle themselves in a street fight with weapons," the woman said, "My name is Isabella by the way, and I don't take no for an answer.  The duel's scheduled for up in Millionaire's Row after dark.  Bring your best knives and wear something that shows of your legs and ass."

"What?   Why?"

"Like I said, you have a nice ass and I want to look at it as I duel.  Perhaps if I'm distracted the duel will be a little more fair for the mysterious person from my past," Isabella said, "Alright it's settled then.  I'll see you in Millionaire's Row tonight."

Beezus sighed.  Perhaps she'd be rewarded for this "work."  She decided to make a day of it and gathered her companions to set off for Millionaire's Row.  Accompanying her were Merill, Varric and Anders.  Anders was a lot more cheerful then he had been when she'd first met him, talking about his cat Sir Pounce-a-lot.  Merrill asked who had knighted him and whether or not he had a little sword.  Beezus honestly could not tell whether or not she was making a jape at Anders expense which endeared her all the more to Beezus.

Varric knew of a decent cafe near the Chantry and after dining there they set off to the prescribed dueling venue.  A woman there was grabbing people imploring them for help.  Beezus could not recall seeing beggars in Millionaire's Row and approached the woman.  "What seems to be the problem?  Maybe I can help."

"It's my brother, Kenny.  He's training to be a Templar, but seems to have disappeared.  I asked about him a bunch of times but no one will tell me what the deal is.  Please maybe you can help.  His friends Eric and Steve joined the Templars with him.  Maybe they know something."

"Alright," Beezus said, "I'll look into this for you."

By this point night had fallen and Isabella showed up in the courtyard.  Several hours passed before some mercenaries showed up and yelled, "BITCH!" at Isabella.  There was a fight and then they found a note on a body that said the mysterious individual from Isabella's past was chilling out in the Chantry.  Inside the Chantry there was a confrontation when the man who was the mysterious person from Isabella's past was like Chuck's pissed that you didn't give him the Relic of McGuffin yet...also that you lost a shipment of cargo."

"That was people...not cargo!" Isabella shouted back.

Beezus was like, "Enough talk let's fight!" and Isabella ceased upon that moment to throw a knife into the boob of an ugly mercenary lady with a huge axe.  The ugly lady mercenary totally died and then so did the mysterious man from Isabella's past and the random arrow guys and swordsmen that show up in every fight after the main dude of the encounter is already defeated.  With a heap of dead people from Isabella's past littering the Chantry they hit the bricks.

"Thanks for your help," Isabella said, and then flipping up the back of Beezus' leather skirt added, "and thanks for wearing this."

"Sure.  I can help you find that Relic if you need to get these scumfucks off your back once and for all."

"Okay and I can help you with whatever you need help with... _whatever_ you need help with...wink wink nudge nudge."

"Sounds like a deal."

"I have a room at the Hanged Man," Isabella said, "Come look me up if you need a duelists or merely some company."

"Sorry Isabella, you're pretty much just a swarthier, bustier version of me, so you'll probably stay at the Hanged Man until the 'pick some dudes for a second party' final battle I am certain will happen towards the end of the season.  But I promise to come drink some brews with you and talk to you when I'm at the Hanged Man okay?"

"Sure...and if things don't work out with you and that elf over there, just remember my door's always open to you."

"What do you mean if things don't work out with you and that elf?"

Isabella laughed, "You don't hide it very well.  She's probably the only one in Kirkwall who doesn't know you want to take a trip down to Crinkum-Crankum Crevasse with her."

"Can we not talk about this?" Beezus asked.  She could feel her ears reddening.

"Whatever you like my dear.  Just remember, I'll be at the Hanged Man if you get lonely..."

The following morning Beezus decided to look into the lady's brother disappearing.  Perhaps there'd be some coin in it.  Down at the Gallows she found Eric and Steve.  They were all like, "Yo dude straight disappeared with some other dude," and then a lady Templar was like, "We're not supposed to talk about it but that other dude came back and then was like, 'Yo I'm going camping...catch you dudes later.'"

"Word?!" Eric and Steve exclaimed.

"Word."

"Where would he go camping?" Beezus asked, "Maybe he knows some shit about that lady's brother, Kenny."

The lady Templar sighed and was like, "I'm really not supposed to be telling you this, but he's probably here," she pointed to a place on Beezus' map south of Thundercat Mountain, "He and I went there a couple times to hump and shoot up lyrium...but don't tell anyone...we're not supposed to hump or use lyrium."

Beezus assured the lady templar she did not care about Templar humping or lyrium use and set off to find that dude.  When she got there he'd already been discovered by another Templar who was kicking the shit out of the dude Beezus was looking for.

"I thought Templars only beat the shit out of mages...nice to see you branching out."

"Stay out of this BITCH!" the templar shouted furiously.

Suddenly the guy Beezus was looking for who was not Kenny turned into a demon.  "WOAH SHIT!" Beezus shouted and whistled for Duke the Dog.  Duke the Dog bit a demon in the demon dick and the fight began in earnest.  Wizards were blasting shit and Beezus was knifing shit and Varric was Biancaing shit and Duke the Dog was dick biting shit and even that other Templar was templaring the fuck out of demons.  Soon the battle was over.

"Wow that was messed up," the Templar said.

"I'm looking for Kenny.  He disappeared with this dude."

"There are rumors that Kenny and this dude used to hang out at the Blooming Onion.  They were into MMF bisexual threesomes or something.  I tried to asked some of the...um....girls employed there about it but they won't talk to a Templar.  They're afraid we'll shut them down for fucking around with our recruits."

"Maybe I can find out something that they wouldn't tell you.  Sometimes a little pillowtalk is more effective than a Templar Inquisition."

And so Beezus set off to the Blooming Onion.  As she walked in the madam was like, "Ah Serah Hawke, shall I fetch Katriela for you?"  Varric smirked and said, "You've got good taste Hawke..." but Beezus just ignored him and approached the matronly woman who worked as waitress.

"Hi, do you know about a couple of Templar recruits who were into MMF bisexual threesomes?" Beezus asked.

"Yes.  They are in this book here.  The came in a lot...almost as often as you...and humped around with Weird Eyes McGee Madam of the East."

"Cool thanks.  We'll go talk to her."

"Alright, but don't tell her I said anything...she's kind of a bitch."

Beezus headed upstairs and into Weird Eyes McGee's room.  She really did have some fucked up eyes...like a snake.  Beezus asked about the Templars but Weird Eyes was like, "How'd you know?" and Beezus found herself unable to lie and was like, "That dumpy waitress downstairs showed me her book," and then Weird Eyes was like, "Take out your plot knife and cut your throat," and Beezus took out her knife, but before she cut her throat she had a moment of clarity and called out to Anders.  Anders did JUSTICE! on the the Weird Eyed Witch and Beezus came too.

  
_Weird Eyes McGee Mistress of the East and Secret Shit Mage_

"Start talking bitch!" Beezus said.

"It was all Silverlips idea!  We'd make some Templars into demons...the Templars would lose faith and the people would turn against them and then mages could be free."

"That's stupid as fuck," Anders said.

"Where is Silverlips?" Beezus asked.

"In the hideout in Darktown."

"Alright.  The Templars will be here in a couple minutes to arrest you for shit magic," Beezus said, "Come on guys we have a hideout to infiltrate."

The hideout was exactly where Weird Eyes said it would be, and as Beezus expected it was filled with Titty Demons, Shades, Firemen, and Shit Wizards.  Beezus and company battled their way into some sort of inner sanctum where they were confronted by the aptly named Shit Wizard, Silverlips.  She said some more nonsense about using blood mage to ensure mage freedom and Beezus was like, "You guys are idiots.  Like I'm totally sympathetic towards the plight of mages, but this is like the worst way to go about proving that you are just like everyone else and should be left alone.  Let's fight it out so I can get that topless guy out of cryofreeze or whatever."

  
_Silverlips, noted Shit Wizard of Kirkwall_

Silverlips and her dudes tried to fight, but Beezus was too tough and all the shit wizards and hamburger help fiends and titty demons died and then the cryofreeze guy was freed.  It was Kenny.  Merrill tasted some of his blood and determined that he was free of demons and then they all headed back to The Gallows.  At the Gallows Beezus was like, "Yo they were doing blood magic down there, but that doesn't mean all mages are bad.  You should be more chill to mages," and the Templar dude who punched a guy in the dick at a campsite was like, "But what about Kenny?  Is he a demon too now?" so Beezus said, "Nah, we tested him...he's totally clean."

Fortunately the Templar didn't want to know how they tested him, since revealing that the blood mage in her company drank his blood and couldn't taste any demons probably would not be the best course of action.  The Templar was thankful for Beezus resolving the entire thing and handed her a sack of coins.  She had enough for a trip to the Deep Roads!  Hopefully in a few weeks time she'd have earned enough money to get her family out of Crackton regardless of how her mother's trial went to reclaim her estate.

 **Next time on Dragon Age...**  

"Enchantment?  ENCHANTMENT!!!"

"Please don't take your sister...what if the same thing that happened to Carver happens to her?  You I don't really care about but I couldn't live if I lost Bethany!"  

"Mom it's either darkspawn in the Deep Roads or Templars here...I'm not safe anywhere."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: I think I've finished all the quests in the city now.  There was a quest update for Deep Roads Expedition when I finished the Blood Mages in Darktown quest and I suddenly had a quest where some dwarf offered to lend me money, but he seemed like a dick and I had the coins anyway so I was like, "F off dude."  I did the very beginning of the Deep Roads thing and was pleased to see Enchantment? Enchantment! and his dad.  I had no idea they were still around.


	10. Dragon Age - S03E10 - The Deepest Deep Roads

"We've got a virgin Deep Roads that we are going to romance...you know take her out to eat at a nice restaurant...maybe a stroll in the park, and then, when she's like, 'You know, I think I want to do it with you,' we cram 'er full of dwarf cock!" Varric's brother screamed at the assembled expedition. Beezus' coin and Anders' map had been most helpful and after many weeks of wheel spinning the expedition was finally able to set off.

At precisely the moment that Varric's brother was screaming about "assfucking the Deep Roads with dwarven dicks as hard as redsteel," Beezus' mother showed up in Millionaire's Row to plead with Bethany not to go. Bethany, being as defiant and hardheaded as ever ignored her mother's pleas declaring, "Mom it's either darkspawn in the Deep Roads or Templars here...I'm not safe anywhere," and thus Mom Hawke turned to Beezus, "Please don't take your sister Beezus...what if the same thing that happened to Carver happens to her? You I don't really care about but I couldn't live if I lost Bethany!"

Mom Hawke was right. Her mother had never cared much for Beezus but if she'd lost Bethany she'd be devastated. "Bethany, stay with Mom. If we both leave and something should happen to us think about what that would do to her. I mean she still hasn't gotten over Carter and that guy was an idiot. I promise I'll make it up to you when I get back. We can go fight Qunari or something together."

"Alright sister..." Bethany said and then turned to leave with Mom Hawke.

With surplus Hawkes gone, Beezus and the rest of the expedition set off to the Deep Roads. Unfortunately Anders map was hella outdated and the tunnel was caved in. Varric's brother apparently was not 1/29th as chill as Varric was and punched out a tattoo dwarf for reporting that the tunnel was caved in. Beezus and Varric were like, "Yo dude, we're not scouts, what if we try to find another route?" and Varric's brother was like, "What?! Fine whatever...get the fuck out of my face."

As they set off to battle darkspawns and look for a scenic route a dwarf named Brody was like, "Excuse me Serrah, my son, Enchantment Enchantment! has seemingly wandered off. I think he went into the side tunnels over there. The boy's a bit soft in the head and I worry about him. Do you think you could look for him?"

"Yeah of course we'll look for him," Beezus said.

Many darkspawns were chopped into a variety of fun shapes as Beezus, Varric, Merrill and Anders made their way deeper into the Deep Roads. There were even some giant spiders that got chopped to bits. Several pieces of gear were upgraded. It was fun on a bun. After awhile the studio audience applauded raucously.  They only did that when a special guest star appeared, and as she turned the corner she found a dwarf lad who looked a tad soft in the head.

He was surrounded by dead darkspawns and an ogre that seemed to be frozen like Christopher Lloyd in Suburban Commando.  "Are you Enchantment Enchantment!?" Beezus asked, "And were you on this show in Season 1 or 2?"

"Enchantment!" Enchantment yelled.

"Okay...what happened with that ogre?" Beezus asked.

"Not enchantment!"

"Makes sense.  You think you can get back to your dad?"

"ENCHANTMENT!" the young dwarf shouted enthusiastically and then ran off.  Beezus assumed he went back to his father, but she did not bother to check to be certain.  Instead she and her posse pressed forward, deeper into the Deep Roads.

More darkspawns were chopped apart and more equipment was upgraded.  Eventually they came to a room that was certainly a boss fight, and oh what a boss fight it was!  A dragon and hella mini-dragons were all up in their grill, but fortunately Beezus had a faithful Duke the Dog, a dwarf, and elf, and an Anders.  Beezus was particularly excited that they killed this particular dragon because inside his small intestine was the final piece of the armor set she'd been looking for since she first met Merrill on Thundercat Mountain.

With the dragon bested, Varric somehow determined that the tunnel behind the aforementioned dragon was precisely where they wanted to go.  There was a cutscene and the next thing Beezus knew she was at camp with the rest of the crew inside the tunnel that she and Varric had just moments ago discovered.  Beezus and her posse went deeper into the Deep Roads to check it out and fought some shades and shit and then found a lyrium idol that they tossed to Varric's brother who had been following them apparently.  But Varric's brother was an asshole and closed the door trapping Beezus, Varric, Anders and Merrill inside!

Varric called his brother a douchelord and was like, "I bet there's another way out.  C'mon let's go!"

So deeper still they went, encountering hella loot and some kind of gross rock monster that Varric said were rock wraiths.  Beezus did not know what rock wraiths were but thought that maybe they were like the dwarven version of ring wraiths so knew they needed to be killed.  Eventually they came to a talking rock wraith that offered to help.  Merrill was like, "Yo this is a demon, but he seems pretty sincere about helping," but Anders was like, "Don't even think about helping a demon!"  But Beezus thought that perhaps by talking a cool, relaxed attitude towards demons, Merrill would think more highly of her and thus told the demon that they would kill whatever monster the demon himself couldn't beat and get a key to get out of the Deep Roads.

In the next room the party killed some sort of red rock wraith.  He differed from the usual rock wraiths in size and color, as the regular ones were dwarf sized and green glowing instead of giant sized man things that had red glowing.  With the red rock wraith wrecked the party acquired a key and found a vault.  Varric creamed in his jeans over the awesomeness of the treasure haul but the demon from before showed up and was like, "That shit is all mine...you just get the key!" but Beezus was like, "That wasn't the deal demon!  Varric...if you please!" and Varric killed a demon with a single shot from Bianca and Beezus understood why the demon couldn't beat that red rock wraith: because the demon was hella weak.  Beezus had seen a pickpocket in Millionaire's Row get shot with a single crossbow bolt and live to tell the tale, but this hunger demon?  One bolt and he was a heap of rocks on the ground.

The treasure haul was looted and once again Varric jizzed in his pants.  "Holy fuck this shit will be worth way more than Varric's stupid idol.  Hawke, we're going to be fucking rich, now let's get out of here."

"How long will that take?"

"If we're lucky one cutscene, if we're unlucky a couple weeks of slowly starving to death while our backpacks become overfull with loot to sell."

Fortunately luck was on their side and one cutscene later they were back in Kirkwall.  Varric said he'd get his people to look over the haul and try to find buyers it.  "You'll probably want to go home and shower...and TELL YOU MOM AND SISTER THAT YOU ARE NOW FILTHY FUCKING RICH!!!"

Several highfives and "I'll call you in a couple days," later, Beezus was back home, but there was something wrong.  For starters Bethany was wearing much nicer clothes than she normally wore.  Perhaps news of Beezus' success in the Deep Roads had already reached Crackton and Bethany had rushed out to buy a satin gown.  "That's something that could happen right?" Beezus asked herself nervously, but then she noticed the Templar standing near Uncle Crumbbum.

"What!? No!  You're not taking her!" Beezus scream when she realized what was happening, "I will fucking gut you like a pig right here in my uncle's livingroom so help me Christ..."

"Beezus stop," Bethany said, "You'll only make it worse."

"That's right," the smegma stain Templar smirked like a total asshole, "The fact that your sister has been so cooperative is the only reason I'm not dragging all of you in for knowingly harboring an apostate.  You wouldn't want that now would you?"

Beezus eased the grip on her plot knife.

"That's what I thought.  Now, if you'll excuse me, your sister has a Harrowing to attend..."

"BETHANY!" Beezus shouted as her sister passed, but Bethany just gave her a cold stare as she walked out of the shack flanked by a pair of scowling Templars.

**Next time on Dragon Age...**

"Why would I help you Harry Shock?  The last time I was here you fucked me over pretty badly."

"I'm sorry about your sister Hawke."  

"Brody, I never asked you to be my manservant."  

"Hawke you're like a hurricane of trouble...that's why I stick around."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: So Bethany is a tower mage now, and my previous "I'll help apostates whenever I can," mentality has not morphed into something more akin to, "If the opportunity to kill/fuck over Templars or the Chantry present themselves to me I will fully avail myself of them."  A minor complaint unrelated to Bethany or Templar scum...I don't like that every trinket is just "Ring" or "Belt" or "Amulet" but all have different stats.  It's kind of a pain in the dick to check new ones particularly when delving in the deep.  Also I dislike that Beezus is probably going to end up humping Anders just because the only conversation options with him that are not, "You fucking suck and I hope you die," are all flirting.


	11. Dragon Age - S03E11 - Three Years Later

"So you're telling me that the pirate, the escaped slave, the blood mage, the ex-Warden, and the rest did not know the Champion before coming to Kirkwall? I find that hard to believe. It is all just so perfect!" the annoyed Chantry Investigator shouted at Varric.

"Listen lady, you asked me to tell the story, so I'm telling you the story. If you already know what happened then why are you wasting my time?" Varric said, "I do have other stuff I could be doing besides talking to you about this kind of crap you know. So do you want me to tell you what happened or not?"

"Go on dwarf..."

"So three years passed after Hawke and I came back from the Deep Roads. Hawke did pretty well for herself, moving to a mansion in Millionaire's Row, but I wasn't sure she was happy to be totally honest. I think she kind of blamed herself for her sister getting found out by the Templars, but that's neither here nor there. What is important is the Qunari. Three years passed and still they were chilling at the docks in Kirkwall waiting for a boat and making people hella nervous..."

Beezus Hawke made her way into the Viscount's inner-sanctum.  "Ah Mademoiselle Hawke I am glad you kind find the time to meet with me.  We here in Kirkwall are in a bit of a bind with the Qunari.  I believe you have had some dealings in the past with them."

"If you can call getting ripped off by one group and ambushed by another group, 'dealings,' then yes, I've had dealings with them."

"Well whatever you did it apparently left an impression because their leader, Harry Shock, has asked for you by name," the Viscount declared, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd look into this matter for us because things are tense between the residents of Kirkwall and those Qunari down at the docks."

"Yeah sure, I'll see what's going on," Beezus said, "I'll rap at you later Viscount."

Beezus departed from the Viscount's arena and headed out into Millionaire's Row.  It was still really weird to her, that this was her home now.  As she made her way down the steps of the palace, the dwarf Brody came running up to her.  "Ah thank goodness I caught you before you headed out Mistress Hawke.  Master Varric's men delivered the last of your payment from the sale of that treasure you found.  I have it right here.  Also your mother wanted to speak with you about something back at Hawke Manor before you set out on any zany Act Two adventures."

"Thanks Brody," Beezus said, "You really don't need to do this you know.  You don't have to be my manservant."

"I know Mistress Hawke, but after you saved my boy it's the least I can do."

"I didn't really save him you know.  He totally wrecked house on a bunch of darkspawns...I just found him and told him you were looking for him."

"Nonsense!  My boy might be good at enchanting, but wrecking house on darkspawn?  That's utterly ludicrous!" the dwarf Brody replied, "Anyway Mistress Hawke please don't keep your lady mother waiting.  You know how she can get."

Beezus did indeed know how her mother could get, alternating between wailing about Carter and Bethany, and thus she hurried home, but upon arriving in their mansion she was rather surprised to see her mother in good spirits.  "Oh hello dear, I'm glad you are home, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Can I just change out of this armor into my slutty Catholic schoolgirl uniform house clothes first Mom?" Beezus asked, "And maybe have a one that is cold?"

"Of course my dear."

Beezus changed into a slutty Catholic schoolgirl uniform and chugged a one that was cold and then went to speak with Mom Hawke, "So what was so important that you felt the need to send Brody out to find me?"

"I've been thinking about remarrying," Mom Hawke said, "Would you be alright with that?"

"Yeah I guess so.  Would you leave Hawke Manor if you remarried?"

"I assume so," Mom Hawke said.

"Then go for it Mom!"

Mom Hawke giggled nervously, "Can you imagine me, your mother, courting someone at my age?  Ha ha...though perhaps I should find a suitable husband for you before I start looking for myself.  Sean "Big Red" Chal has a son about your age doesn't he?"

"Mom, we've had this conversation like 93 million times, I don't like men."

"So that's a maybe then on Big Red's son?" Mom Hawke asked, clearly choosing to ignore the fact that her daughter was a lesbian.

"Whatever Mom.  Please get out there and play the field.  I hear that Thursday is Ladies' Night at The Hanged Man.  You might want to check it out.  Anyway I gotta get out of here.  I'm on some shit for the Viscount.  Something is going on with those stupid Qunari and they are asking for me by name now."

"Alright dear, just please be careful."

Beezus called up Anders and Merrill and Varric and told them to meet her at the docks that evening because the Qunari were up to some shit and she didn't trust them as far as she could throw them, and also she was sorry she hadn't really hung out with them too often since they got back from the Deep Roads, but she'd taken up solo drinking out of guilt for her sister getting taken by the shitty Templars.  Everyone was pretty cool with being ignored for three years and agreed to help her with the Qunari.

That evening they gathered outside the Qunari gate and some Qunari guard was like, "Yo, you Hawke?"

"Yeah I'm Hawke...what of it?"

"Someone killed some Qunaris and I know you have some experience with that in the past.  You know anything about this?"

"Watch your tongue asshole or you'll see my experience in killing Qunaris first hand.  I haven't killed any of your mens in like three years so watch how you talking to me shitbag."

"Okay."

Inside the Qunari compound they met Harry Shock.  He tried to act all buddy buddy with Beezus but she was still pissed off about the last time she'd seen that dude and gotten totally ripped off.  "Spit it out douchelord.  What do you want with me?"

"Someone stole our gunpowder formula," he began.

"Good, I hope they get rich off it."

"It wasn't the real formula...it was a decoy formula that will produce poison gas."

"Seriously dude, are you a fucking moron?  You could have made a decoy formula that made nothing...or one that was really a recipe for apple turnovers...or you could have just replaced the recipe with companion on companion fan fiction or a used copy of Hard in Hightown II..."

"Hey the other ones are fine, but no Hard in Hightown II!" Varric exclaimed, "If I ever find out who wrote that piece of crap..."

"A bunch of your people will die if that gas is made."

"You know what?  Fuck you.  I'll find that dwarf from last time.  He is probably the one who stole it.  Hopefully I can find him before he makes your trick poison gas and accidentally kills half the city.  After that?  You can fuck the fuck off.  C'mon guys let's go find a dwarf burglar.  Varric you got any ideas?"

"Well dirtbags are usually in either Crackton or the sewers.  I think the last dirtbag we dealt with was in Crackton, so I'll say this time he's hiding out in the sewers."

Down into the sewers Beezus and company sneaked.  It'd had been awhile since she'd last been down there and Beezus forgot just how bad it actually smelled.  She wondered how Anders could live down here and not barf on the regular.  It must have been a spell of some sort.  Anyway following Varric's lead they found a criminal lady selling the dwarf they were looking for's sewerfront apartment.  Apparently he had recently bailed and left behind his apartment and a bunch debts.  Since he owed that lady money, she told them the dwarf was probably hanging out in Smuggler's Cunt so the party headed in and fought a bunch of dwarf rogues and some mercenaries.

Beezus had forgotten how much she loved doing backflips and knifing dudes in the stomach and crotch.  For the first time in a long time she felt alive.  Stabbing a dwarf in the nutsack was apparently a far better treatment for depression than drinking alone and humping prostitutes at the Blooming Onion.  With a trail of dead dwarf Encartas behind her Beezus busted out onto a beach and battled more mercenaries.  As the last mercenary shouted, "OW MY BALLS!" and fell to the sand, she saw the dwarf, Jerkass or whatever his name was.

"What's going on Jerkass?" she asked.

"That elf BITCH sent you didn't she?"

"What elf?"

"The one who stole the Qunari gunpowder recipe and blamed me for it.  She's probably in Cracktown since you were looking for me in the sewers and as everybody knows dirtbags only hang out in those two places.  Anyway I gotta get out of here...start a new life as a boot salesman or something."

"I guess the obvious suspect wasn't the suspect after all.  Good luck as a boot salesman Jerkass!" 

Jerkass replied in dwarven, muttering, "Sodding sodden sodder soddite sod soddest sod soddingly!"

Beezus headed back to Kirkwall posthaste because she had to stop a terrorist attack like she was that dude on that show 24.  Rushing back to Crackton, she noticed a never before seen side alley and thought, quite rightly, that that would be an ideal place for a terrorist attack with poison gas.  At the entrance to the alleyway she met a beat cop who was like, "Yo it smells like ass in there and people are barfing...you can't go in there," but Beezus was like, "I'm rich yo...I can do whatever I want," and strolled into the alleyway.  Almost immediately she puked all over the place.  She hoped Merrill hadn't seen it but before she could check if anyone noticed they were under attack by banditos.  They fought banditos in assfunk and killed them and found a garbage can lid.  With the garbage can lid firmly secured on one of the garbage cans filled with poisonous gas the fog of assfunk subsided somewhat, but there were still more cans of gas.

More banditos were battled and each group dropped a garbage can lid that Beezus was able to use to seal the remaining cans of puke inducing gas.  Finally, with the last can of assfunk sealed off Beezus thought the crisis had been averted but suddenly some random Elf lady was like, "Those damn Qunari are trying to take my people away and turn them into Qun Robots.  It's not cool, so I joined up with some crew to commit acts of terrorism that the Qunari would get blamed for!  I think if I kill a rich lady like you the outrage will be Jem levels of truly outrageous."

"I'd like to see you try!" Beezus taunted and then had a life affirming knife battle atop a roof, while her friends battled even more banditos on the streets below.  Beezus of course emerged victorious over the elf lady and with the street level banditos battled into submission headed out towards the docks to tell Harry Shock that she'd stopped the poison with only a few people barfing no thanks to him, but when she told him this, Harry Shock was not even the least bit apologetic.

"This is what happens when there is greed and you people don't follow the QUN!"

Beezus sighed, "You say that shit all the time.  If Kirkwall is such a shitheap why not leave?"

"HOW CAN I EXPLAIN THE WIND!?  I DO NOT LEAVE BECAUSE SOMETHING WAS STOLEN UNDER MY WATCH AND I CANNOT RETURN TO POL VOL LAN WITHOUT IT!!!!!  THAT IS WHY I DO NOT LEAVE!!!!!!!!"

"Ho. Lee. Shit..." Varric muttered, "We should probably tell the Viscount how badly this guy just freaked the fuck out."

"Yeah, but that can wait until morning...let's get some drinks at the Hanged Man first," Beezus said.

"Sounds good to me," Varric said, "Daisy?  Blondie?  You guys in?"

"Of course!" Anders exclaimed.

"Alright.  I wonder if Isabella is there.  She told me the next time I went there she was going to teach me about something called body shots," Merrill said.

The friends convened at the bar and chugged many beers and reminisced about old times late into the evening hours and eventually they parted company.  "Daisy wait a mimmem..." Varric slurred, "Ai'll take yer home..."

"Varric you're drunk as shit," Beezus said, "I'll make sure she gets home alright.  Go up to your room and go to sleep.  I am 100% certain we'll need to kill more banditos in the days to come and I don't need you hungover alright?"

"Yas Mom..." Varric chuckled drunkenly, "I got a novella I'm working on anyway...it's a good one about a guard captain.  Gonna call it _Swords & Shields_.  It's gonna be my smuttiest book ever."

Beezus rolled her eyes at the drunk dwarf and turn to Merrill and asked, "Are you ready to go?"

Merrill nodded and wrapped her shawl around her shoulders.  Together she and Beezus exited the Hanged man and began the walk back to the Alienage, neither one of them uttering a word to the other.  Beezus kind of wished she'd asked Anders to walk Merrill home instead.  The past three years hadn't made things between her and Merrill any less weird, in fact it was quite the opposite.  Since Beezus had come back from the Deep Roads and left Crackton things had gotten weirder between them.  Before striking it rich in the Deep Roads, she and Merrill had at least had crippling poverty in common, but now even that was gone.  After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only ten or fifteen minutes in reality, they finally came to the door of Merrill's house.

"Umm...Hawke, would you like to come in for tea?" Merrill asked nervously.

"Sure."

Merrill opened the door and told Beezus to sit down while she boiled water and got a pair of cups out of the cupboard.  Merrill placed the cups on the table before Beezus as she brewed the tea.  The cups were both slightly chipped but otherwise quite lovely.  Merrill poured tea for both of them and sat down.  She sat there a moment, holding the cup in her hands, but not drinking.  Beezus sipped at the tea and wondered if she should try to make conversation, but she was worried that if she opened her mouth first all that would come out would be, "Merrill I've had a crush on you for the past three years but don't know how to actually tell you how I feel."

Fortunately Merrill spoke first, breaking the silence by saying, "Hawke I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what happened to Bethany.  I should have said something sooner, but since that day there never really seemed to be a good time.  I mean you were busy helping your mother get her house back and then you moved up to Millionaire's Row, so I hardly saw you in the market or down by the docks anymore, and then I thought that maybe you hated me and didn't want to see me, because of my being a mage."

"Merrill, that's ridiculous.  I never hated you for being a mage...maybe some of that other stuff is a little bit true though," Beezus replied, "I didn't know you thought about Bethany at all.  I thought that you and she didn't really care for one another."

"Maybe not.  We weren't best friends by any stretch of the imagination, but I would not wish a life in the Tower of Wizard Shit upon anyone," Merrill replied, "Have you spoken to her at all?"

"My mom goes to visit her from time to time and says she seems to be doing well.  They have her teaching a class of children now, but no, I haven't seen her since that night.  I don't think she's really forgiven me for not taking her with me into the Deep Roads."

"She will Hawke," Merrill said.

"Thanks Merrill.  I'm glad I have you to talk to."

 **Next time on Dragon Age...**  

"I need the Arulin Hoe to fix my mirror!"

"Hawke that's some demon shit!  You know that right?"  

"I love you Hawke..."


	12. Dragon Age - S03E12 - Hump Jamz

Beezus found herself in Merrill's bedroom. The elf had mentioned having something she wanted to show Beezus in her bedroom and Beezus, thinking it was going to be something sexy quickly agreed. What she saw, however, was a cracked mirror with some vines and shit creepin' on it. Beezus tried to hide her disappointment, "That's a pretty nice mirror Merrill, but not half as nice as you..."

"Oh Hawke, you're too kind. This is a Magic Elf Mirror. You wouldn't know about it, but the viewers at home would have seen this thing in the Dragon Age Holiday Special: Witch Hunt and know how it's basically a telephone but it's all fucked up and turns elves into ghouls because it's broken," Merrill replied, "Sideboob used one to go into a mystery realm and her friend Odette Corvette, the Hero of Feldspar, totally let her go..."

"That's pretty nice..." Beezus said dreamily.  She hadn't really been listening to what Merrill had been saying, but instead had been staring at the cutest lil' bloodmage's eyes.

"I'm going to fix it but I need the Arulin Hoe to fix my mirror! Hawke, I'm so afraid to go back to the Danish and ask the Keeper if I can borrow her hoe."

"Aw Merrill, don't be scared. I'll go with you if you want."

"Really Hawke?" Merrill exclaimed, "Oh you're too kind."

"Hey! You know she's only doing this because she's possessed by a demon right?" a voice shouted from the doorway.

"Jesus!" Beezus exclaimed, "How long have you been there Anders?"

"Long enough to know this is a terrible idea. Did I not mention her demonic possession? She's a timebomb Hawke about 39 seconds away from turning into a Hamburger Helper wizard and you know it."

"Stuff it Anders, the only one I've seen with an out of control spiritual being lurking inside them is you. Anyway, don't tell her, but I'm crushing hard on Merrill and I think if I help her with this Mirror shit she'll finally know how I feel. Look man, I don't really like Hamburger Helper wizards either, but have you seen Merrill? She'd goddamn adorable! Surly you can appreciate that!"

"Meh...Isabella's got a much nicer rack."

"Jesus Anders! She's a nice enough girl, sure, but you'd probably catch darkspawn taint humping her."

"Good thing I'm a spirit healer eh?"

 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
**  
  
"Listen Shem we're not going to hand over that kid, so kindly fuck the fuck off..."

The sound of conflict drifted down from Mount Thundercat as Beezus, Anders, Varric, and Merrill made their way up to see the Keeper of the Danish about borrowing her hoe.  Beezus double timed it up the mountain to see some Templars harassing a group of Danish hunters.  Memories of the jackass Templar hauling Bethany away filled her mind and Beezus drew her extra sharp Templar pokers and shouted, "Hey fuckers!  Leave those Danes alone!  You've fucked over enough mages...you won't fuck these people over too!"

Beezus knifed the shit out of a heap of Templars with a fury of the Fast and the Furious film series.  There was blood and heaps of dead Templars all over the place.  "Thanks Beezus," the Danish hunters said when the last Templar was a heap of cubes suitable for stewing.  "No problem guys...you Danes are pretty alright and I fucking hate those douchelords," Beezus replied and moseyed up the mountain to where the Keeper was chilling like a villain.

"Mrs. Keeper...I'd like to borrow your Arulin Hoe if it's not too much trouble," Merrill began nervously.

"Merrill are you still on that blood magic shit?  Jesus girl, just cool it with that shit 'aight?" the Keeper said.

Merrill's lip quivered nervously, but Hawke was like, "Merrill you can do this.  I believe in you."

Merrill steeled herself and shouted, "I demand a task via some kind of elf tradition thing!  If I complete this task you have to lend me the Arulin Hoe!"

"Very well," the Keeper said, "Some kind of elven praying mantis dragon thing in the lair over there is killing our hunters.  I want you to go in there and kill it.  If you succeed I'll give you the hoe.  If not, you'll either be dead or I won't give you the hoe."

Beezus and the party set off to the lair of the praying mantis dragon.  Anders was kind of being a cock to Merrill, but Merrill stood up for herself pretty well pulling out all the greatest hits, including, "I know you are but what am I?"  The lair was a pretty straight forward lair with giant spiders and corpses that dropped trash loot and "Belt" and "Amulet" and "Ring" in spades.  As she looked over her new trinkets and baubles, Beezus wondered why one belt that caused her to feel 3% more likely to stab a dude in a vital organ was better than another belt that caused her to feel 3% more likely to stab a dude in a vital organ, but she was unable to come up with an answer before an elven hunter ran up on them.

Merrill seemed to recognize the guy and called out to him, "Paul is that you?  Paul it is you!  Come on Paul we'll get you out of here...there's a dangerous praying mantis dragon thing down that path."

But Paul freaked the fuck out, and instead of running toward the party was all like, "Stay away you crazy bitch!" and ran away from Merrill right into the waiting maw of the praying mantis dragon thing which totally ate him.  IT WAS BATTLE TIME!!!  Beezus and Co. rocked out with their bows, knives, and wizard shit out and totally put the praying mantis on blast.  But the death of the praying mantis brought no joy to Merrill who was hella sad that Paul had chosen to run into a hungry elven praying mantis dragon thing rather than come near her.

Anders was kind of an asshole and muttered something like, "Not a huge surprise..." but Beezus elbowed him in the gut and told Merrill that it wasn't her fault that Paul was a prejudiced piece of shit.  Merrill cheered up ever so slightly and the party made their way out of the Lair.  As the walked towards the entrance Merrill started to get a righteous anger going on.  "Who the fuck has been spreading these terrible lies about me?!  People thinking I'm worse than some kind of goddamn dragon monster thing...I swear if I ever find out who it was I will blood magic the shit out of them!"

They made their way to the Keeper and Merrill was like, "I found these clan crests on the dead hunters, please give them back to their peoples.  Also I killed that thing so please give me an Arulin Hoe now."

The Keeper was like, "Child, you are kind of nuts...I'll give it to Hawke instead.  If she wants you to have it she'll give it to you."

"Hawke?"

"Merrill are you sure you want to do this?"

"Hawke, my people have lost everything: their history, their language, their culture.  If I can recover even a small piece of that don't you think it would be worth it?  I know how hard you worked to get your mom her house back...it's pretty much the same thing."

"Okay Merrill, here's the hoe you needed."

"OH COME ON!!! YOU TOTALLY JUST GAVE HER SOME MCGUFFIN THAT IS GOING TO CAUSE SOME DEMON SHIT TO HAPPEN!" Anders screamed, "IF YOU ARE THAT HORNY I'LL HUMP YOU!!"

"Anders...I don't like men."

"THEN ISABELLA WILL DO IT!  SHE'LL DO ANYONE!"

 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
The day after their adventures up on Mount Thundercat, Beezus thought she'd pay Merrill a visit.  Merrill had seemed pretty upset when she'd left the mountain, hauling ass back to Kirkwall before the rest of the party had been ready to leave.  Beezus had wanted to pay the craftsman there a visit to see if he had any backpacks and while Merrill was gone, had purchased a rather charming carving of a halla that she hoped would raise her spirits.  Beezus knocked and Merrill came to the door.

"Hawke!  I'm glad to see you...Anders isn't with you is he?"

"Not unless he's sneaking around like last time..."

"Come in come in..." Merrill said and exclaimed, "By the Dread Wolf!  Why is my house always so messy when people visit?"

"Merrill that doesn't matter.  I have something for you," Beezus said and handed her the carving.

"Oh it's lovely, but what's the occasion?  No one's ever given me a gift before.  Sure people have given me things I've needed...clothes and tools...that sort of thing but no one has given me a gift just because.  It's lovely Hawke...thank you."

Beezus noticed Merrill was crying, "Merrill what's wrong?"

"Everyone thinks I'm a monster and I couldn't even get that stupid mirror to work!"

"Not everyone thinks you're a monster Merrill.  I don't.  In fact I'm rather fond of you."

"Hawke you are too kind to me by far, but thank you.  Thank you for helping me and for the gift, and above all, for being such a good friend."

Beezus wondered if perhaps the Wizards of Fe'dora had spoken true when they wrote of a mythical realm beyond even the Fade known as the Friend Zone where nice guys and girls were relegated by wizards who only wanted to hump Hamburger Helper wizards and other nefarious beings.  Had Merrill just banished Beezus' soul to such a zone?  She was not certain, but after finishing her tea she stood and bid Merrill a pleasant day telling her to call if she needed anything.

Beezus walked about Kirkwall for the better part of the afternoon, rather aimlessly.  She recalled briefly harassing Aveline at work and dropping by a shop to sell some rubbish and strolling through the Black Emporium's grotesquerie, but not really paying attention to any of it.  That evening she returned home, praying to the Maker he mother would not give her shit about going on a date with Big Red's son...or the Viscount's Visson, though the second might be at least slightly palatable since he was also hella into interracial relationships and also gayer than she was, but when Beezus walked in to her foyer, there stood Merrill.

"Hawke, I so glad you came back.  I've been looking all over Kirkwall for you.  I've been think about what we talked about all day and I...I...I really like you I think at least, I don't really know, oh I've never really felt this way before...and I'm rambling again...Merrill get a grip of yourself."

"Merrill it's cute when you ramble...and I like you too."

"Oh but Hawke, I'm such a disaster and you?  You're perfect...perfect house, perfect hair, perfect everything."

"Merrill, I'm not some kind of Goddess...I make hella mistakes too.  I'm pretty much a criminal, and I couldn't protect my brother or my sister.  The Qunari hate me.  I'm not any better than you."

"Oh Hawke!" Merrill exclaimed, and then she threw her arms around Beezus and kissed her.

Beezus quickly broke off the kiss and said, "Merrill...Merrill you need to stop."

"Oh my god I've made a huge mistake!"

"No.  No!  It's just Enchantment Enchantment is standing right over there and my mom is by the writing desk.  It's kind of weird to make out with you in front of them.  Sure Mom's probably crying about Bethany or Carter again...or trying to arrange a marriage for me, but I know Enchantment Enchantment is watching us and it's kind of making me uncomfortable.  Why not go up to my room?"

"Up to your room and do what?" Merrill asked, but Beezus raised her eyebrows in a suggestive manner and Merrill soon understood.  "Ohhhhh...that."

Upstairs there was a tastefully done hump scene where after some kissing the camera cut to a candle and then the next thing that happened was Beezus and Hawke were lounging on a bed in their underwear.  Danish underwear is a really weird one piece swimsuit kind of thing with a karate belt, but Beezus found it charming.  As they lay in bed, Merrill suddenly yelled out, "Hawke, I love you!  Oh no, I shouldn't have said that should I have.  It was too soon wasn't it?  It was!  Oh no...stupid Merrill...you're so stupid."

"Merrill, stop.  I love you too.  In fact I've loved you for the past three years, but never had the conversation wheel options to tell you until now.  Why not move in with me?"

"Move in with you?  Here?  In Hightown?  What will the other people think?  Lady Hawke living with an elf?"

"Merrill I don't give a shit what other people think.  I love you and want you to stay with me forever."

**Next time on Dragon Age...**

"Aveline is hopeless."

"Hawke I need your help...the Templars have a Tranquil Solution and we gotta break in and find out what the shit is going on."  

"You two are so adorable together...well, kiss him already!"  

"JUSTICE!!!!!!!" "ANDERS NOOOOOO!!!!"  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: Yay!  I succeeded in romancing Merrill.  I hope that Anders is just being a jealous douchelord and there isn't some sort of Merrill turned into a Hamburger Helper wizard and must be stopped quest like he seems to be foreshadowing will come to pass.  I've done a couple other random quests for that Friends of Apostate lady that involve fucking over Templars and stuff, and also started some kind of quest about missing Qunari, but I'll write that all up in a single chunk once it's been completed


	13. Dragon Age - S03E13 - ...And Justice For All

"You're looking rather relaxed and self-satisfied Hawke...I mean even more so than usual," Chief of Police Aveline Templar said as Beezus lounged on her desk.

"Getting laid will do that for a person, which is why I, against my better judgement am going to help you Aveline," Beezus replied, "Oh sure I've given Officer Donaldson some stupid copper flowers for you, I've posted roster lists for you, and I took him out for drinks and watched you hide behind Merrill and Isabella at the Hanged Man instead of coming over to talk to him like you said you would, but I think you need to go bigger!"

"Go bigger? What in Andreste's name do you mean?"

"You need to get him alone...just the two of you...somewhere where you can talk."

"And how do you propose I go about doing that Hawke?"

"Umm...schedule a patrol of with him out in the Hinterlands."

"But then he and I will be too busy busting jaywalkers and banditos to have a chance to talk."

Beezus sighed, Aveline certainly wasn't making this any easier. In fact, it was almost as if she wanted this to fail, but Beezus, with the calm, cool demeanor that only several bloodmage induced orgasms the night before could bring said, "I'll take care of the banditos. You and Donaldson just walk and talk alright?"

"Alright Hawke...but you better not mess this up for me."

Beezus shrugged and headed out. She'd have to rustle up a couple companions to go take care of the bandito problem so she called Anders, Merrill, and as she was feeling particularly generous after finally ending her three year drought of humping that did not involve following Lord Daniel Savage's rather tired advice of hiring a sex worker, Cloud Strife But an Elf. She told them to meet her on the Gold Coast for what would come to be known as Operation Get Aveline Laid. Upon their arrival the first thing Beezus noticed was that Merrill had changed her garb. Gone was the hipster neckerchief and elven green, replaced with a suit of white chainmail that reminded Beezus of Tina Turner's Aunty Entity costume from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.  
  
  
_Like this but an elf..._

"Okay guys, this is going to be hella easy.  We just need to go into the hills and fight banditos up their while Aveline talks to that Donaldson guy," Beezus said in her pregame pep talk, "If all goes according to plan we will kill some banditos, find several 'Belts' and 'Amulets' and Aveline will knock boots with that Donaldson guy and chill the fuck out.  So let's go out there and give 113% because that's 3% better than 110% and I think Anders still has a 'Belt' that gives us 3% to effort in sporting endeavors and zany misadventures to get an acquaintance laid."

"I got rid of that belt awhile ago," Anders said.

"What do you have now?" Beezus asked nervously wondering if 110% would be enough to get the job done.

"Same deal but it's 4% now."

"Even better!  Let's go out there and give 114%!  Everyone hands in....B! Bu-B! Bu-Bu-Bu B! Bu-B! GO BAYSIDE!!"  
  
  
  
"What the fuck was that all about?" Cloud Strife But An Elf asked.

"Oh that's right, you never come out on zany misadventures with us do you?  That's our pre-zany misadventure cheer.  You know, to pump us up.  Get us ready to stab Templars or banditos or not-orcs or Hamburger Helper wizards or whatever."

"I think I liked you better when you were horny and sad all the time..." Cloud Strife said angrily.

At that moment slavers from his past attacked, but they were put on blast by the combined might of Beezus, Cloud Strife But An Elf, Merrill and Anders.  Beezus was sort of impressed with how awesome Cloud Strife But An Elf was at swording and thought it would be pretty funny to maybe keep him around a while longer with double mages (one with a spirit trapped inside them and one a bloodmage) and a noted mage humper.  He'd hate it so much it would be hilarious.  Beezus chuckled to herself as Cloud Strife was punching some slaver from his past in the head and screaming "WHERE'S DOUGLAS?!?!  TELL ME WHERE HE IS!!!"

But they didn't work for Douglas, they worked for Douglas' assistance Hermione, a woman who, to the surprise of no one, Cloud Strife but an Elf also hated and needed to get revenge on.  "Come on we need to go kill Hermione before she escapes!" Cloud Strife But An Elf complained.

"Dude, we have to prioritize.  First and foremost we need to get Aveline laid.  Then we can do your thing alright."

"Very well, then let us be on with this stupid Operation Get Aveline Laid," the emo elf muttered before saying something about posting on Xanga about how lame his friends were.

Of course it was this very day that the banditos of the Gold Coast had decided to hold illegal dog fights, so the bulk of the work that needed to be done was killing mabari that had been trained to fight other mabari.  Beezus, owning a sweet, goofy mabari of her own felt pretty bad about having to kill dogs that their owners had trained to be assholes, but it was a small price to pay if Aveline got to take a trip to the Bone Zone.  After killing a heap of banditos and mabaris and hiding the corpses in some bushes she heard Aveline approaching.

"Guys!  Hide in the bushes with the corpses!  If she sees us the jig is up!" Beezus yelled as she pulled a dead bandito over herself like a blanket.

"And that's why it's so important to cool the blade with water..." Aveline said.

"What?  Oh sorry I kind of drifted off back there.  What were you saying?" Donaldson replied.

"I was talking about blades..."

"Jesus," Beezus whispered, "Aveline's hopeless."

Several more times Beezus and Co. killed banditos and hounds and then listened to Aveline totally messing up a casual encounter before Aveline finally caught up with her.  "Hawke...what in the world are you doing here?" she asked nervously.

"Oh you know me, just strolling through the beautiful bandito corpse strewn paths of the Gold Coast..."

"Hawke can we go swimmin' laytah?" Merrill asked.

"Yes Merrill we can go swimming later," Beezus replied, "What about you?  And uhh...Officer Donaldson right?  Surely there must be some reason the two of you are out here alone...on this particular patrol far from the prying eyes of your coworkers..."

"Aveline, you and Donaldson are so cute together!  Why don't you kiss him already?" Merrill shouted with glee.

"Uhh...I think I'm going to go back to the barracks now if that's cool with you Chief," Donaldson said and quickly hit the bricks.

"Hawke how could you?!"

"ME?!  Merrill was the one who asked when you were going to kiss him!  I didn't do shit!" Beezus shouted in disbelief.

"You're going to fix this for me Hawke!  Get back to the station....DOUBLE TIME!" Aveline shouted and then headed off after Donaldson.

"Oh my God...she's such a pain in the ass!" Beezus muttered, "She acts like I'm one of her beat cops...'Get back to the station double time!'  I'll double time her..."

"So Hawke...can we go swimmin' now?"

 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!!**  
****

"Maybe it's not too late to fix this!  Maybe he hasn't filed an official complaint yet...I should resign...go back to Feldspar.  Maybe King Brodude will have me as a palace guard...or I could go to Fort Awesome and try my hand at being a Grey Warden.  Thanks a lot Hawke...you've ruined my life."

Beezus sighed but at that moment Officer Donaldson came into Aveline's office and was like, "Chief I need to talk with you.  Serah Hawke may I have a moment please?"

Beezus shrugged and headed out into the hall and leaned against the wall like a champ.  From behind the door she heard a clatter of platemail hitting the floor and then moments later the undeniable sounds of humping.  Mission accomplished.  As they stood out in the hall listening to Aveline get her hump on Anders was like, "Hawke I need your help...the Templars have a Tranquil Solution and we gotta break in and find out what the shit is going on."

"Okay, once Aveline finishes fucking this dude and calls us into her office to yell at us for some perceived slight I'll help you break in to the Tower of Wizard Shit.  I haven't seen Bethany in like three years anyway and want to make sure she's alright."

"What the fuck?!" Cloud Strife But An Elf yelled, "You said we'd do my thing next!"

"Dude you're so B-team it's not even funny.  We'll do your thing in the lead up to the end of act two when I take an afternoon and just finish up all the stray quests I still have in my journal," Beezus said.

"But it's a companion quest!" the elf whined, "You did all of Merrill's in one go!"

"Damn right I did."

At that moment Donaldson came sauntering out of the office.  His breastplate was half undone and his hair was all messed up.  "Serah Hawke..." he said, trying to sound nonchalant, but from the office Aveline called out "Hawke!  My office!  NOW!"

Beezus strolled in and looked at Aveline who had the look of a woman who had just enjoyed a trip to the Bone Zone, but not the one that had Octo-Titty Demons and weird cultists...the one that involved P in V humping.  "I wanted to thank you Hawke...for everything you did for me and Officer Donaldson."

"Well you didn't make it easy.  It was almost like you wanted it to fail from the get go."

"Maybe I did, but now that I've sunk my teeth into it I'm not letting go without a fight!"  FIVE POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF!

"What the fuck...I help you out and still lose points?  C'mon Anders let's get the hell out of here."

"Did she just say she bit his dick?" Anders asked as they headed out towards the sewers where there was a secret entrance to the Tower of Wizard Shit.

 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!!**  


The secret tunnel to the Tower of Wizard Shit was used by lyrium dealers who smuggled their wares into the Tower of Wizard Shit and sold it to the Templars there within.  The drug dealers were not to pleased to have random dudes and ladies creeping about in their secret tunnels and thus tried to battle Beezus and Friends.  It ended rather badly for them as they were knifed, sworded, and blasted asunder with magical beams.  As was par for the course Beezus found many "Belts" and a couple "Rings" that she put in her pouch for extraneous "Belts" and "Rings."

"I've smuggled hella mages out of here," Andy said as they made their way deeper into the secret tunnel.

"Sssssh...I hear something," Beezus said.

From slightly further down the tunnel they heard the sounds of jerkoffs harassing a mage.  As they rushed down the hall, Beezus saw Andy's face change.  It looked like he wanted some vengeance.  In a chamber at the end of the hall a bald Templar was pretty much threatening rape on a lady mage.  It was more than Beezus could stomach.  "GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF THAT GIRL!!!"

A knife battle ensued in which Beezus stabbed a bunch of mages and Andy, under control of Justice, went apeshit and wrecked house on hella Templars, but as the last Templar fell dead, the spirit of Justice did not cease to be in control of Andy and it brought up Andy's weird wizard stick and yelled some shit about "JUSTICE!!!!!!" before bringing the weird wizard stick down into the girl mage's gut.  Blood splattered everywhere somehow even though the girl had just been poked in the stomach with a pole.  It must have been wizard shit.  Justice was still screaming about "JUSTICE!!!!"

"ANDERS!!!!!! NOOOOOO!  Bad Anders!!" Beezus shouted, and Andy finally wrested control of himself from himself.

"Oh my god...what have I done?" Anders sobbed as he looked at the shattered body of the girl mage before him.

 **End Credits**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: In the immortal words of every single Star Wars character, "I've got a bad feeling about this..."  I don't read walkthroughs or plot summaries or anything like that so I have no idea what any potential plots are, but I do know that people have told me of their hatred of Anders, who in Awakening was a pretty cool dude (he had a ponytail and an earring), and thus far has been a little mopey but hasn't really done anything to earn my ire.  In fact because of "Templars took my sister!!" plot I could totally justify his fits of "Let's kill all the Templars!"  But now I'm a little bit nervous that Judy (Justice + Andy) is going to go berserk in a final battle and accidentally kill Merrill or Bethany or some character that I care about...wait it's pretty much just those two...(Before you're all like, "YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT VARRIC?!?!?!?!" I will say I'm not worried about Varric because I know he will survive because he has plot immunity to death because the entire game is a story he's telling after the fact).  So I got the first taste of Anders is the worst last night and now I'm hella nervous.


	14. Dragon Age - S03E14 - Into The Fade

"And that, my dear Hawke, is but one of the myriad things you can do with a phallic shaped tuber," the busty pirate captain, Isabella declared and then leaned back on the chaise lounge in Beezus' study, "Oh by the way when did you get some elf maid?"  
  
"Merrill and I started humping two episodes ago, so..."  
  
"Very funny Hawke. No, the washer woman who keeps talking to me about her Papa's soup."  
  
"Oh Orangina? It's a funny story actually. You know that disgusting emo elf...Cloud Strife But An Elf?"  
  
"Probably better than you do. Did you know he has those lyrium tattoos on his cock?"  
  
"ISABELLA!" Beezus shouted in faux shock, "Well anyway he's been bugging me about helping him get revenge on his former master's secretary for awhile now, so I finally got fed up with him and took him into some kind of slaver cave with Merrill and Anders..."  
  
"He must have loved that..."  
  
"Oh it was great. 'Merrill you are exactly the same as these creeps who sacrifice people!' 'All mages seek power and therefore are evil...that means you Anders!'" Beezus said, doing her best Cloud Strife But An Elf Impression, "Anyway his master's secretary had killed a bunch of her servants to do blood magic or something. I don't really get it, but Anders was like, 'There's demons afoot!' and Merrill was surprisingly quiet so maybe there were demons afoot, but anyway we had just knifed the shit out of some slavers and saved that elf, Orangina from getting turned into a demon power source or whatever so she asks Cloud Strife But An Elf, 'Are you my master now?'"  
  
"GET OUT!" Isabella yelled and slammed her hands into Beezus' chest.  
  
  
  
"No, seriously.  'Are you my master?' and then he gets super offended and she starts to cry like 'Where am I going to go now?  What am I going to do?'  So I tell her, 'You can come work for me!' and she's super excited and runs off but Cloud Strife But An Elf was fucking _furious_!  'How can you take a slave?!  Oh that's right you're a goddamn mage-lover...makes sense now...' so I tell him, 'You stupid dumbass I hired her.  I'm giving her a fair salary, and a place to live.'  So he looks at me and is just like, 'Oh.'"  
  
"BWAHAHAHAHA!  What an idiot!  I can't believe I let him...you know what never mind."  
  
\---  
 **  
**  
"Don't need this.  Don't need this.  This I can sell."  
  
"Anders."  
  
"This I can throw away."  
  
"Anders!  Snap out of it mang!"  
  
"Hawke...I totally killed that girl.  I lost control and killed the very person I'd sworn to protect."  
  
"Listen man that shit happens to the best of us.  I didn't take my sister into the Deep Roads and now she's in the Tower of Wizard Shit teaching kindergarten.  I didn't decide to be a mage and now my brother's dead.  We all make mistakes sometimes.  You can't beat yourself up over it.  So you killed one girl mage in a fit of spirit possession induced rage...how many Templars did you kill?  Plus we got evidence about that Tranquil Solution," Beezus said.  
  
"We did?"  
  
"Well, I did.  You'd already run off wailing 'Out damned spot!'  Here check it out," Beezus said and handed Anders a letter.  
  
"It says that the Chantry turned the Tranquil Solution down...it was just Templar Scumfuck.  He was acting alone."  
  
"And now he's dead.  You and Justice did that.  So don't be too hard on yourself man.  Now come on, we've got some shit to do today."  
  
"What sort of shit?" Anders asked.  
  
"I dunno.  Wizard shit I think.  Come on, Merrill and Isabella are waiting outside."  
  
"Isabella?  Why?  She never comes...oh wait that's probably a poor choice of words when talking about Isabella...she never accompanies us."  
  
"She was Plan B if I couldn't cheer you up myself."  
  
"I think I'm still feeling a little depressed about that dead mage girl actually.  Maybe I'll go to her funeral..."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
The alienage was as alien as ever with elves sneaking about doing whatever it was that the elves of the alienage did.  Beezus was about ready to send Anders and Isabella away and see if Merrill wanted to go back to her place and hump when a somewhat familiar voice cried out, "Hawke it's you.  I'm so glad you came.  It's my son, the half-elf, he's having nightmares and needs help.  Please help him."  It was that Danish elf lady...the one who'd humped some sort of Spanish guy and had a half-elf mage son.  
  
"Alright...this is some wizard shit, but fortunately I've got double wizards with me," Beezus replied.  
  
"Oh thank Jesus.  I've called the Keeper of the elves to come and help you with this.  It seems like it's going to be some Fade Shit."  
  
The Keeper showed up a short while later and all the elves of the alienage were hella deferential to her all bowing and shit.  She looked kind of disgusted by how her people were living, because honestly, alienages are hella gross.  The Keeper along with Beezus and Company made their way into Ariani the Dane's house to prepare to save her half-elf son from shit wizards or demons or whatever, but before they could do that the Keeper had to explain some plot.  "That boy, Fenreill is a Dreamer...he can enter the Fade at will and do all kinds of zany shit to people's dreams.  If a demon gets control of him that's really bad."  
  
"Wait a second...isn't this totally Perrin's plot from the Wheel of Times books?" Beezus asked.  
  
"No! It is totally different!" the Keeper said dismissively.  
  
"No wait, it totally is...and the Tower of Wizard Shit is basically a grimdark version of the White Tower from those books too.  How much of this game is cribbed from those books?"  
  
The Keeper bellowed, "Enough!  Beezus before you go I have to tell you something in private...away from Fenreill's mom okay?"  
  
"Sure, what's up?"  
  
"Maybe if you can't beat that demon you're going to have to kill Fennreill okay?  It wouldn't kill him dead if you kill him in the Fade, it would just make him Tranquil," the Keeper said.  
  
"That's pretty shitty.  Hopefully I can avoid doing that.  Anyway let's get this over with.  The Fade is always the worst."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
As predicted the Fade was the absolute worst.  Anders turned into Justice again and was like, "That's a sloth demon...be careful with him...he will make you hella lazy!" and there were some sort of stacks of barrels that were clearly a puzzle that Beezus failed to figure out.  It didn't matter anyway.  The sloth demon was wrecked and the barrel puzzle was skipped for being an utter waste of time.  With the sloth demon dead Judy (Justice + Anders) was like, "There are some more demons we gotta wreck house on.  C'mon!"  
  
The first of the two demons was pretending to be Fenreill's dad, but Beezus, who had transmogrified into his mom was like, "Yo that's a goddamn demon!" and Fenreill hauled ass.  The dad turned into a titty demon and then was like "Yo Isabella, I'm going to give you a big ship with a bunch of hunky sailors who will do sex moves on you all the time.  How's that sound?" And Isabella was like, "Sounds good.  Sorry Hawke.  I like big boats and I cannot lie."  FIGHT IT OUT!!!  Beezus, Merrill and Judy wrecked a titty demon and Isabella rather rapidly.  And then there were three...  
  
The trio then made their way to the other demon.  Beezus turned into some kind of goddamn elf and saw the Keeper being like, "This boy Fennreill's totally going to save the Danish people!" but again Beezus was like, "Yo that's a goddamn demon!" and again Fenreill hauled ass.  The Keeper then turned into a big ass demon and was like, "You took my dreamer I'll take your Merrill!  Merrill I'll give you hella powers to save your people forever."  
  
And Merrill was like, "Can you do that?"  
  
"Yup," said the demon.  
  
"Merrill, c'mon...you and I humped...that's gotta count for something."  
  
"Sorry Hawke if I have to chose between you and my people's future I must do what's best for my people."  
  
FIGHT IT OUT!  Beezus and Judy, along with Duke the Dog killed a demon and Merrill and then stood there.  Judy was like, "We need to hurry and stop the boy before more demons can come and do demon shit," but Beezus was like, "Just fucking hold on alright...she choose a demon over me and now she's dead...and Isabella's dead too.  What if they don't come back man?  Who will I romance?  You?  That creepy elf guy?  Oh why did I have to bring Merrill in here instead of that stupid emo elf...or Aveline?  I don't care if they both die in the fade...there's not even a coercion skill this time...it's so lame."  
  
"Sigh...very well...take a moment," Judy said and then tapped his foot impatiently.  
  
"Okay I'm ready.  Let's go have a final confrontation!"  
  
They finally caught up to Fennreill in the sloth demon's room.  "Please kill me...I'm super dangerous.  I don't want these demons to harass me anymore," the half-elf bellowed.  
  
"I'm not going to kill you Fennreill...that will just turn you Tranquil."  
  
"That sounds good.  Oh to never dream again.  To never hear these stupid demons..."  
  
"Look why not go to Davinter.  I hear they know about this kind of shit.  Maybe someone there could help you."  
  
"Okay that sounds good.  Thanks Hawke.  Please tell my mom that I'm sorry and that I love her," Fennreill said and then disappeared, apparently directly to Davinter because the next thing she knew Beezus was back in his mom's house and was telling her, "He's going to Davinter to learn about Dreaming."  
  
The Keeper was like, "That's totally awesome...I didn't think you'd be able to save the boy, but you did.  Here's a book that I am saying is a super important chunk of plot, but you'll find it in your junk sack when you look for it.  Just sell it or whatever I guess."  
  
Isabella and Merrill both looked nervous and were like, "Good questing guys, well...we'll see you tomorrow," and then ran off.  Beezus thought it was pretty weird but shrugged and asked Anders if he wanted to get some beers, "You did pretty good in there Andy.  I'm proud of you.  You want to go out for some drinks?"  
  
"If you're buying Hawke, sure."  
  
As they walked into the Hanged Man they saw Merrill and Isabella sitting together at a table.  Isabella was regaling Merrill with some lewd tale that Beezus just caught the end of, "And that's why I never have affairs with my crew, because once they see you naked with your ass up in the air, they think they don't have to take orders from you anymore.  Men!  Bah...you have to be twice as tough to earn half as much respect!"  
  
"So did the crew member mutiny after you...hehe...you know..."  
  
"Oh no...I had the offending member removed.  That got rid of the attitude quite quickly.  Oh look it's Hawke!"  
  
As Beezus approached the table, Merrill stood and scampered away, a nervous look on her face.  "Isabella, we need to talk," Beezus declared.  
  
"Shit...look I'm sorry I abandoned you in the Fade alright.  I mean I didn't even get the ship in the end."  
  
"Nah it's cool.  I know it must suck to be under the influence of a demon."  
  
"That's it?  No screaming?  No angry rant?  Are you trying to get me to jump into bed with you, because it's working..."  
  
"You mean you wouldn't have jumped into bed with me before?"  
  
"Oh?  Yes...good point.  Sigh...I'm far too predictable," Isabella said, "So did you have this talk with Merrill yet?  I heard she did the same thing."  
  
"No, why?"  
  
"That's going to be hard isn't it?"  
  
"Why would it be?"  
  
"There's something going on between you two isn't there?  I have a nose for these things."  
  
"She and I are together, yes."  
  
"Go easier on her Hawke.  She needs a friend.  That girl seems so confused and lonely."  
  
Beezus left the bar alone and walked back to the alienage and knocked on Merrill's door.  A moment later Merrill answered.  She looked crestfallen, "Oh Hawke, it's you.  Come in."  Merrill walked down the hall to her bedroom and sat down on her bed.  There was some awkward silence and then Merrill was like, "I can't believe I turned on you in the Fade.  I'm so sorry!  I'll understand if you can't forgive me."  
  
"Oh sweetie that wasn't you.  A demon made you do that shit."  
  
"I should have realized what was going on.  I've always been so careful when dealing with demons.  The trick is to realize that everything they tell you is a lie or a trick or a trap."  
  
"So why did you give in this time?"  
  
"Everything that demon said just pulled on my heartstrings...I couldn't help myself."  
  
"It's alright, you just need to be more careful Merrill.  You're already at greater risk than other mages."  
  
"I know...because of the blood magic.  I'll be more careful next time.  Thank the creators you were there to help me.  So now do we get to have make-up sex?  Isabella was telling me how good the sex is after to have a fight with someone and then apologize.  I don't know if I believe her."  
  
"There's only one way to find out I suppose."  
  
 **NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE!!!:** "A qunari diplomat totally disappeared from the vislair."  "Templars only fight those who can't fight back."  "It's official, she's a bitch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: As I've said before. I don't do walkthroughs or read about stuff online and thus this trip to the fade took me forever, even though it's like 3 super easy fights and a couple chunks of dialogue. I did the Merrill betrays the party fight like three times, each time reloading after beating the demon and Merrill because I thought it was going to be like in DA:O where if you poison that urn you can kill Leilana for legit and she's gone forever. But no matter what dialogue options I picked she still died. So I went the other way first, and the same shit happened to Isabella. So I tried to get around that somehow, but that also didn't work. Finally I was like, "Fuck it...if they're gone, I'll romance Anders...whatever," and finished the plot and then Merrill and Isabella came back and I was overjoyed.


	15. Dragon Age - S03E15 - Everyone Still Hates The Qunari...Like Seriously Guys, They Are The Worst...Oh Wait I Forgot About The Chantry

"We are in some shit Hawke! Some real shit!" the viscount of Kirkwall was in a vispanic, "We just had some Qunari diplomats here and the entire meeting went great. They were polite and straightforward and I felt like we really made some visprogress with them."  
  
"I'm sensing there's going to be a 'but,'" Beezus as she absentmindedly juggled her sharp-as-fuck assault daggers.  
  
The viscount vissighed, "But after they left the vislair they totally just disappeared.  They never passed the guards at the gate."  
  
"That's pretty weird.  I'll look into it and see what the shit is going on Viscount.  You can viscount on me!" Beezus said.  
  
"Nice one Hawke...how long have you been waiting to use that one?" Varric asked.  
  
"I thought it up after the last time this guy gave us a job."  
  
Beezus thought that the most reasonable explanation of how a crew of Qunaris could have vanished was a guard on the take.  "So friends, where could we possibly find a guardsman willing to sell his sword?" she asked her posse.  
  
"The Hanged Man," Varric offered.  
  
"The Hanged Man," said Anders.  
  
"The Hanged Man?" suggested Merrill.  
  
"You got it dudes!  Let's go to the Hanged Man, but first I've got some bad news Andy.  You're benched for this little expedition."  
  
Anders goggled, "What?  Why?  It's because I killed that girl isn't it..."  
  
"No no...I don't care about that.  It's because I want to take Aveline along and rub it in her face that one of her employees pretty much helped ensure a Qunari verse Humans battle in the city of Kirkwall brought on by selling his sword."  
  
"Oh, well why didn't you say so from the start?" Anders asked.  
  
**COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
"Hic!  I've got hella coins...hic...so all y'all are gonna get yer swerve on tooooonaiiiiiite!!!" the drunk swordsman standing on a table in the Hanged Man bellowed.  
  
"I think we found our sellsword," Beezus said, "You recognize him Aveline?  Was he one of your best?  You hire him yourself?  Huh?"  
  
But Aveline had left Beezus' side, crossing the bar and bodyslamming the drunk swordsman to the ground.  It was like when Hulk Hogan bodyslammed Andre the Giant.  All the patrons of the bar were like, "Ho shit did you see that?!" and "Holy fuck!  That lady is fucking jacked!" and "It's gotta be the headband...I hear headbands increase strength by 9."  Aveline stood and dusted herself off and then shouted, "Who are you working for?  Who bought your sword O'Sullivan?"  
  
The drunk swordsman was blubbering like a baby, "Please don't hurt me milord...it was a Templar...they had a letter with the Grandmother's seal on it and a sack of gold doubloons.  It looked official...what was I supposed to do?"  
  
"Not sell your sword!  Do you know how bad this makes us look?  You've brought shame upon the office of City Guard!" Aveline shouted.  
  
"He sure did, didn't he?  Hey!  You're a City Guard too aren't you?  Aren't you like, the boss of all City Guards?" Beezus asked, needling Aveline.  Aveline gave her the evil eye and continued on her tirade, "Tomorrow morning you'll be on the wall...and you'll stay there until further notice!"  
  
The drunk swordsman had pissed his pants and was crying like a baby, "Yes milord...whatever you say milord...please don't hurt me."  
  
"There you go Hawke," Aveline said, "Your sellsword and your lead.  I'm going back to the police station.  I'm going to have a lot of paperwork to do because of this...something you never have to worry about."  
  
"Oh come off it Aveline!  Are you seriously blaming me for the fact that your job entails a lot of paperwork?"  
  
"Well Hawke, trouble seems to have a way of finding you, and it's my responsibility to keep accurate records of all the trouble that exists in Kirkwall, so yes, I am blaming you for the paperwork I have to do," Aveline said and then left the Hanged Man.  
  
Beezus looked at Varric who just shrugged and mouth the expression, "What the fuck?"  Fortune, however, smiled upon Beezus, for there sitting at the bar was Isabella.  Beezus approached her as some would be poet was mumbling about her tasting his "milky white flesh."  Isabella was quite eager to be away from Walt Whitefleshman and joined Beezus and Company as they headed to the Chantry.  Once there, Beezus was almost instantly confronted by that stupid lady who almost got her killed by Qunari who made fun of her mom's womb because of some sort of mage smuggling thing.  
  
"Hello Sister Patrice," she said in the rudest voice she could muster.  
  
"I'm Mother Patrice now...I leveled up during the three year gap.  You'd know that if you ever came to church..." the bitchy woman said.  
  
"Whatever.  I need to speak with the Grandmother so get the shit out of my way," Beezus spat.  
  
"I'm a pretty big deal so you'll have to deal with me."  
  
"Fine, some douchelord Templar used the Grandmother's seal on some letter and used it to kidnap some Qunari diplomats and now there's going to be some shit if we can't find them, and I'm pretty sure that you're responsible for this bullshit anyway, so spill the beans on what's going on or I'll spill your blood all over the floor of this here Chantry."  
  
"Did you just threaten me?  Here?  You're insane."  
  
"No, I'm rich and frienemies with the Chief of Police and visfriends with the Viscount," Beezus said like a boss, "So like I said, start talking or I start stabbing."  
  
"Fine.  Remember that Templar I was with when I accidentally almost killed you but wouldn't have cared even if I had?  It was him.  He had the seal and he kidnapped those Qunari.  Anyway he's going to bring down a bunch of shit on us and I don't need that kind of hassle, so I'll tell you he's hiding out in a hide out by Sewertown."  
  
Beezus sheathed her sharp-as-fuck assault daggers and turned to her crew and said, "You heard this crazy lady...we're going to Sewertown, but first I need to get Anders.  Varric, I'm sorry brah you're benched...I need the heals."  
  
"It's cool Hawke, we've got max friendship anyway."  
  
**COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
Down in the sewers Beezus disarmed some traps and finally came to some sort of Tea Party powwow.  That Templar with the shitty haircut had a bunch of Qunaris tied up and was doing weird S &M shit to them as a crowd of peasants looked on.  "Take away their horns and these Qunari are weak as fuck!" the douchelord Templar muttered and punched a Qunari in his cock.  
  
"Hey cock-gondolier!  Why not pick on someone who's not all tied up and shit with a buttplug in their ass and a ballgag in their mouth!" Beezus shouted twirling her knives like a boss.  
  
Anders sighed, "Hawke you should know by now that the Templars are only tough when the person they're bullying can't fight back."  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"You stupid Qunari lover...I'm going to cut this Qunari's throat," the guy with the shitty haircut said.  
  
At that moment Sister Mother Patrice showed up and was like, "Ser Badhair you're going to cause a bunch of bullshit for me if you cut that guy's throat," but he cut that guy's throat anyway.  Beezus and company sprang into action, knifing and wizarding the holy fuck out of the Tea Party douchebags that were killing Qunari in the sewers.  Holy hell were there a lot of them!  So many farmers with bows and ladies with huge hammers to beat down, but they got it done in the end.  But as they looked over the heaps of corpses it was clear that Sister Mother Patrice had gotten away.  
  
"We should probably get the viscount to check this out," Andy offered.  
  
One cut scene later the viscount was checking out the carnage Beezus Hawke & Friends had wrought.  "Fuck Hawke this is hella bad.  These Qunari are totally fucked over.  How are we going to explain to Harry Shock why his diplomats have 'cock slut' written on their foreheads with permanent marker?  Maybe we should just burn the bodies?"  
  
"Nah Harry Shock will get even more pissed off."  
  
"Man this is fucked.  You got 'em all though right?"  
  
"No.  There's some bitchy woman, Sister Mother Patrice, who's helping them.  She was here but got away."  
  
"Fuck...now I've got the Chantry to deal with?  Alright I'll look into this Sister Mother Patrice...carefully mind you.  If you could talk to Harry Shock it might be better.  He seems to like you."  
  
"Like me?  I'm rude as shit to him."  
  
"Who knows what the deal is with the Qunari...maybe they like your moxie?"  
  
**COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
**  
Beezus made her way up to the Qunari compound at the docks when Isabella was suddenly like, "Ummm Hawke I just remember I am suppose to see a man about a horse...and I'm already late.  Why don't you go talk to that Harry Shock guy without me.  I'll be waiting here when you're done."  
  
"Wait what?  You're not coming in?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
Beezus shrugged assuming it was some sort of plot that Isabella would discuss with her in an overly flirtatious manner back at the Hanged Man later.  She made her way into the compound with Anders and Merrill and strolled up the steps of the stoop to where Harry Shock lounged on his lawnchair.  "Yo dude, your dudes are dead.  I brought the bodies back for you though."  
  
"Why are they so fucked over?"  
  
"Some crazy douchebag tortured them.  I killed the guy, but not because I like your Qun or whatever, just because I hate that guy's team even more.  His posse is also responsible for my sister being in The Gallows so I'll pretty much side with anyone who's against them, so don't get too excited dude or think I'm going to start talking like a robot about how rad the Qun is...or stop humping Merrill because it is 'a frivolous act that does nothing to further the Qun' or whatever.  Just, here's your guys, the scumfuck who did it is dead, and let's leave it at that."  
  
"Hawke you are a credit to your people."  
  
"HARRY SHOCK ♥ HAWKE" PS3 ACHIEVEMENT ACHIEVED!  
  
"Dammit dude!  I told you not to make a big deal about it.  I still hate you guys...don't make this confusing for me.  Scream at me about explaining the wind or whatever."  
  
"Sorry Hawke...we'll talk again later."  
  
Beezus made her way out of the compound and found Isabella waiting there right where she'd left her.  She decided to not ask about the man or the horse because it was obviously plot, so she'd have to wait until the right time and the right place before Isabella would tell her anything, so they headed off to the Chantry to harass Sister Mother Patrice.  She was there and in totally bitch mode.  Again Beezus' attempts to gut her like a fish were stymied by dialogue wheels, though as Sister Mother Patrice walked off to inaccessibility, Isabella summed up the entire situation quite nicely, "Well...she's a bitch."  
  
**NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE!!:** "And then I came into the house solo and totally arrowed the shit out everything.  It was all one shot kills and shit!"  "Why are you lying about this of all things?"  "Anders?"  "THE SONG...I CAN'T GET THAT SONG OUTTA MY HEAD!!!"  
  
  
---  
   
  
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: I'm about two days behind in typing these things up.  I don't really have much to say about this plot chunk since it was pretty straight forward though really manipulative.  There's really no way to side with the Templars unless maybe Carter survived instead of Bethany.  I dislike the Qunari, but they are really the lesser of two evils at this point, so it looks like I'm helping them...even though hate them almost as much as I hate the Chantry/Templars.  Whatever.


	16. Dragon Age - S04E14 - Bros Before Idols

**Dragon Age - S04E14 - Bros Before** ~~Hos~~ **Idols**  
  
"So I kicked the door to Bartrand's apartment.  There were hella guards inside, but me and Bianca took care of them right quick.  It was all one shot kills and shit.   Finally with my second to last bolt I shot three dudes right in the head killing them all, and there was Bartrand, crying like a little baby...'Oh Varric...I'm so sorry!  Mom always liked you best...please forgive me little brother!'"  
  
"Stop lying!" the overly serious lady with fantastic hair shouted, totally interrupting Varric's awesome story, "I don't even know why you'd lie about this part, but I want the truth!"  
  
"The truth?  Fine.  I'd heard that my lousy excuse for a brother had returned to Kirkwall three years after abandoning me and Hawke in the dwarven Thang, and she and I decided to pay him a little visit.  It was awkward..."  
  
Beezus, Varric, Merrill and Anders crept through the shadows towards the target of their latest breaking and entering adventure: Varric's brother's houes.  It was hard to believe that three years had already passed since that piece of shit had sold them out and locked them in some kind of Retro Dwarf Thang and stolen some sort of idol, but none in the crew had forgotten it, except perhaps Merrill who was more interested in the well being of the litter of kittens who lived in Crackton marketplace and whether or not the Qunari liked rainbows than any sort of revenge plots.  They were going to kill Bartrand, or perhaps just break his kneecaps, or maybe just pull off a heist...they'd figure it out once they got inside.  
  
The manor house, which had apparently been receiving deliveries (mostly pizza and Chinese food) as recently as a couple days ago, did not look like a place that New Shanghai Jade Panda Wok had delivered to in months.  There were knocked over armoires all over the place and a thick layer of dust covered most surfaces.  Varric had told Beezus that he'd been casing the place and there had been all sorts of people coming and going, but from the dilapidated look of the foyer she found that hard to believe.  Suddenly some roided-up mercenaries came in, yelling crazy shit and swinging around swords and billy clubs.  Beezus hated billy club wielding roid fiends and thus knifed the hell out of them.  
  
"Good killing Hawke," Varric said like the cool dude that he was, "I bet my stupid asshole brother is around here somewhere, but I've got no idea why his house is such a wreck.  Sure he was a piece of shit, but he was organized as shit.  This place?  It looks like the aftermath of someone running the obstacle course on Super Sloppy Double Dare."  
  
More roid fiends were totally wrecked and the party encountered a dwarf manservant.  He looked somewhat battle damaged but was super happy to see Varric.  "Oh Varric it's your brother!  He's gone hella insane.  He cut people up and did weird shit with them...I could hear them screaming.  Oh I wanted to escape but those roid fiends were prowling the hall asking each other, 'How much you bench brah?'  I was trapped!"  
  
"Why did he even come back?" Beezus asked.  
  
"The idol.  He sold it to some lady right away and then we all hauled ass because he knew that you'd come looking for him to stab him in the ass for betraying you," the manservant said, "But he gradually got worse and worse.  At first he was like, 'Sheeeeeeeeit...I shouldn't have sold that idol.'  We all thought that he thought he could have gotten a better price or something, but after awhile he started screaming about 'the song,' or some shit.  We tried everything to find the song for him...we bought the complete Now That's What I Call Music discography since Bartrand only listens to Top 40 Radio we assumed that would help, but he just went apeshit and smashed the albums and was like, 'WE'RE GOING BACK TO KIRKWALL!!!  GOTTA FIND THAT SONG!!!' and then came back."  
  
"Wow that's a hell of a plot dump," Varric said, "I guess that idol made my brother go insane.  We're going to go in there and check it out.  Get out of her manservant dwarf."  
  
"I wonder if this is the same song that Justice talked about from time to time last season?" Anders wondered aloud, "He used to talk about 'the song' every single time Odette gave him a gift."  
  
"Who's Odette?" Beezus asked.  
  
"Oh she was the boss of the Grey Wardens back in Feldspar," Anders said, "You'd like her.  She was pretty nice.  Gave me Sir Pounce-a-lot as a matter of fact."  
  
"Enough about last season, we gotta do plot with my brother," Varric said in the coolest way possible.  The only way he could have possibly been more chill was if he'd been wearing a pair of cool sunglasses, but alas he was not.  
  
Beezus kicked in the door to Bartrand's inner-sanctum and saw him there.  He looked a lot more fucked up and way more insane than the last time she'd seen him and he started screaming about "THE SONG!!!"  Some extra trash enemies appeared and there was a battle in Bartrand's bedroom.  Of course Beezus  & Friends were victorious ("For had they not been victorious this would have made for a rather terrible story, do you not agree serious detective lady?"  "Stick to the story dwarf!  I care little for your editorializing...").  With Bartrand's trash enemies bested and Bartrand, himself, reduced to zero HP there was a cut scene.  Bartrand was screaming about "THE SONG VARRIC!  I CAN'T HEAR THE SONG ANYMORE!!!" like a fucking psycho.  
  
Beezus, long believing that anytime she could scream one of her companions' names in a sticky situation things would turn out alright, shouted, "Anders! I choose you!"  
  
Anders did some healing shit...possibly even healmore, which he had learned not all that long ago.  
  
  
_File Photo_  
  
"Well, he's temporarily less insane, but I don't know if it's going to hold long.  He was seriously fucked up," Andy said.  
  
"Varric!  THE SONG!  I CAN'T HEAR THE SONG!!!"  
  
Varric grumbled and was like, "Shit.  I wanted him dead, but seeing him like this...I can't do it.  We gotta find out what caused him to go off the deep end."  
  
"Alright Varric, you're my homie so I will totally help you with this alright.  I lost my brother to an ogre and my sister to the Tower of Wizard Shit and thus believe that family is hella important.  I won't kill your brother either," Beezus said.  
  
"Thanks Hawke, you're one of the best.  Man am I going to have to change diapers now?"  
  
"We'll find a nursing home for him Varric...a crooked one."  
  
"I like the way you think Hawke.  C'mon let's go to the Hanged Man...I'll buy you a pint."  
  
**NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE!:** "Mom? Mom!" "Oh Lady Hawke she went out with her boyfriend...he sent her those white flowers this morning."  "Well?  SAY SOMETHING AVELINE!  DEFEND YOURSELF!" 


	17. Dragon Age - S03E17 - Saw XVII

Beezus was totally excited for Halloween. She was clad in her sexiest, sexy King Brodude costume and had several pumpkins decorating the steps of Hawke Manor. She hoped that the Queen Amidala costume she'd sent to Merrill fit well enough. She was certain they'd win the Best Couple Costume category at the Hanged Man's Halloween costume party. Oh how she'd rub Aveline's nose in it when she and Merrill bested her and Officer O'Donnell. Her mirthful chuckling was interrupted by a rap at her door. It was her manservant, Jeeves.  
  
"Lady Hawke, there's a letter for you. I know you usually don't like to be disturbed...especially since Sandal caught you practically test that instructional text Lady Isabella left you. You know...with the tubers...anyway, the letter looked pretty official. Had a Templar stamp on it and everything. I thought that maybe it had something to do with Miss Bethany, and so thought it would be prudent to give it to you right away," Jeeves said.  
  
Beezus thanked Jeeves and opened the letter. While it was indeed from the Templars it had naught to do with Bethany. It was instead from that Templar, Danny Glover, who was investigating Ninette's murder three years ago, in spite being "too old for this shit." In three years time he had apparently chased down some leads and thought he had a suspect, but needed Beezus' help. Beezus sighed and headed downstairs. "Mom, I'm going out for awhile. I probably won't be home until late since it's Halloween anyway and I've got a date after I finish work."  
  
"That's nice dear. Who are you going out with? The visson? The Chal boy? That nice boy Andy you hang around with?"  
  
"Mom, seriously! I've told you like one hundred gajillion times that I am dating Merrill."  
  
"Don't be silly Beezus! Merrill is a girl...and an elf at that," Mom Hawke said, "Well, if you don't want to tell your mom what boy you're going out with, I won't tell you about my date either."  
  
"You? You have a date?" Beezus asked incredulously.  
  
"Yes, I have a date. Is that really so hard to believe? I might be a little grey of hair but I've heard that I've still got a hot bod. Why your friend Varys or Velouria or whatever your little dwarf friend is named even called me a MILF once!"  
  
Beezus laughed, "Did he now? Well Valencia and I are going to have to have a little chat about that. Anyway, for real Mom, don't wait up for me. I won't be back until late."  
  
"Okay okay, and if there's a stocking hanging on my door knob, don't come into my room alright?"  
  
"Mother!"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
"So I chased down the lead to some Frenchmen up in Millionaire's Row...DuPuis.  I convinced the City Guard to look into to and they did a half-assed job, like they always do," Danny Glover said, "Said there was nothing there, but I don't believe 'em.  That stupid Chief of Police reported me to the Knight Commander and I got put on suspension, but I think there's something there.  Maybe you and your crew could look into it."  
  
"He he he...DuPuis' a funny name," Beezus chuckled, "Sure thing D. Glover...we'll help you out, but only because I hate the Chief of Police and would like nothing more than to show her up...and also it seems that I can't do any other quests until I finish this one.  I guess I'm pretty close to the end of this act or something."  
  
"Yeah probably.  Thanks for looking into this Beezus," Danny Glover said.  
  
"Sure thing.  It would make me happier if you weren't a Templar, since I hate the bulk of you guys, but you're pretty good.  Can you form some sort of Templar splinter group with Trask?  Templars Beezus Hawke Doesn't Hate or something?"  
  
"I'll look into it."  
  
She and Danny Glover bumped fists and then Beezus and her posse headed off.  She was happy to see that Merrill's Queen Amidala Logain costume fit well, and glad to see that Anders and Isabella were both also sporting costumes...we'll Anders was.  Isabella was pretty much just wearing lingerie.  Anders however was dressed in armor and had his face painted to look like a corpse.  
  
"Andy, what are you suppose to be?  A zombie templar or something?" Beezus asked.  
  
"No!  I'm Justice.  This is what he looks like."  
  
"Oh okay.  Sorry mang...I thought Justice looked like you or something.  Regular you.  Not Halloween edition."  
  
"Oh it's okay."  
  
"Anyway, let's check out this creepy Frenchman's house and get down to the Hanged Man for Halloween.  Varric says it's supposed to be a crazy party, and I'd rather not miss it," Beezus said, "Besides, I'm pretty much sure that Merrill and I will win Best Couple Costume in the costume contest."  
  
At dusk Beezus and Friends headed up to Millionaire's Row and found the DuPuis Mansion.  It was pretty much right across the street from Cloud Strife But An Elf's house so it wasn't so hard to find as they already knew the neighborhood.  Beezus peeked in a window and it seemed like no one was home, so they opened the front door and let themselves in.  Almost immediately they were attacked by ghosts dressed as ninjas for Halloween.  
  
  
 _1988~1994 Ninja Costume Representin'_  
  
Beezus & Co. made short work of the ninja ghosts or ghost ninjas or whatever and crept around a Frenchman's mansion.  They gathered a lot of evidence that might have revealed that he was the killer, or maybe something more mundane like that he was a blood mage (non-adorable version), but Beezus really just wanted to go to the Halloween party and didn't bother to read it.  She'd turn it over to Danny Glover and let him sort it out as he didn't seem like the type who would want to go do bodyshots off a girl dressed as a titty demon on Halloween.  If, god forbid, she should encounter the Frenchman DuPuis before escaping with the evidence, well...she hoped he'd drop an exposition dump on her so she could decide whether to kill him or not.  
  
Several moments later Beezus' fears came true when she came face to face with a Frenchman maybe sexually assaulting an older lady with Lego hair.  
  
"Stop!  You're hurting me!"  
  
"HEY FUCKER LEAVE THAT LADY ALONE!" Beezus shouted, "YOU ARE TOTALLY THAT ASSHOLE MURDERER AREN'T YOU?"  
  
"Moi?  Non non non.  Zutalore!  To theeenk that I am a murderoi?  C'est impossible.  Non my friends, I am trying to find ze murderoi.  You see he has a pattern...he will send ze white liliez to a lady and zen he will kill her.  I found zis lady today.  He sent her ze white liliez zis morning.  Now, if I have a bit of her blood I can find where ze murderer iz."  
  
"BLOOD MAGIC?!  AND NOT THE CUTE KIND?!" Beezus screamed in a rage, "YOU'RE GOING DOWN FRENCHIE!!!"  
  
A Halloween themed fight happened.  Beezus smashed a pumpkin over the Frenchman's head and there were some Hamburger Helper Wizards dressed up like the A-Team, and Anders made horrible Halloween based jokes while fighting it out.  The Frenchman, like all fellows from his country, proved to be a coward and ran away when the going got tough, and what followed was a chase through his mansion, like on Scooby Doo.  
  
  
 _Jinkies!_  
  
Finally the caught up to the Frenchman and killed him dead.  It was a good kill.  Beezus decided that she should turn the evidence over to Danny Glover before heading to the Halloween party and thus headed to The Gallows.  But Danny Glover wasn't there.  Instead there was a Templar lady with Lego hair who was like, "Hawke you sent him a note to meet him in Abandoned Alleyway."  
  
"I never sent that note.  Oh fuck..."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
In the abandoned alleyway, Beezus found the body of Danny Glover and was promptly attacked by more ghosts in ninja costumes.  She killed them all, but it was too late for Danny Glover.  He truly had been too old for this shit and now his brains and intestines were smeared all over the cobblestones of the abandoned alleyway.  At that moment the Lego Hair Templar Lady showed up and was like, "Damn...sucks for Danny Glover.  I guess he was on to something after all.  I'll keep looking into this Miss Hawke, why not go to your Halloween Party or whatever."  
  
But Beezus wasn't really feeling a Halloween Party anymore.  "You guys go on without me," Beezus said, "I'm just going to go home and crash."  Back at Hawke Manor Beezus saw someone she never liked encountering: Her Uncle Crumbbum.  Usually when he showed up he wanted money and went about asking for it in the scummiest way possible: "It'd break your mother's heart if she happened to hear that her eldest daughter was creeping around in the Blooming Onion, whoring with elf girls," but this time he seemed to be exhibiting something close to concern.  
  
"She never showed up for our regular Saturday evening dinner!" Crumbbum was shouting at Jeeves.  
  
"Crumbbum, you know it's Halloween tonight right?" Beezus asked, "She said something about having a date."  
  
"Indeed she did Lady Hawke," Jeeves said, "In fact the gentleman set flowers this morning.  White lilies...right over there.  They're really quite nice."  
  
"White lilies?!  Oh god oh god oh god!  We need to find her!  Where was she going?"  
  
"Uh...she said something about checking out the party at the Hanged Man, Lady Hawke, so I'd assume Crackton," Jeeves replied.  
  
"Shit I hope we're not too late!"  
  
Crackton after dark was always sketchy, but Crackton after dark on Halloween was ridiculous.  Beezus watched a woman, dressed as the Hero of Feldspar, barf while her friend, dressed as a sexy Chantry sister held her hair back.  There was candy corn and paper cup that had held pumpkin spice latte strewn about and there was barf everywhere!  Uncle Crumbbum came running up, shouting, "I found a guy who saw her!  Over here!"  
  
The "guy" was a ten year old boy with a black eye who sounded like he smoked stolen Virginia Slims regularly, "Maybe I saw 'er...maybe I didn't.  Maybe if you'd gimme something I might remember."  
  
"I could give you another black eye so you'd have a matching set.  How'd you like that you little turd nugget?" Beezus said punching her fist into the palm of her hand in a threatening manner.  
  
"Oh for god's sake!  Just pay this shitbag!" Crumbbum shouted at Beezus, "Here you are boy...a nice shiny nickel!  Now what did you see?"  
  
"Oh boy a nickel!  I'll tell ya what I saw.  There was a man...with hair and a nose and a couple arms...anyway he bumped into the nice looking MILF you wuz describing a minute ago and just fell down, and he wuz a pretty normal looking bloke 'cept for all the blood.  Anyway, that MILF with the nice rack asked him if he wuz alright and then they went off together over that away.  He's wuz bleeding like a stuck pig so you can probably follow random puddles of blood to wherever he went with her."  
  
"Uncle, go back to your shack and wait there in case Mother shows up over there.  I'll follow these blood puddles."  
  
At that moment Beezus' allies showed up.  Today's crew was Aveline, Anders and Merrill and they followed the blood puddles through the streets of Crackton.  With each step Beezus' nervousness grew ever larger.  "Mom...please be alright," she thought to herself as Aveline shouted, "Hawke there's another one over there!  It looks like it's leading into the foundry district."  The trail did indeed lead to the foundry district...to the same foundry where three years earlier they'd discovered the hand of one Ninette Frenchlady.  
  
More ghosts wearing ninja costumes tried to waylay them, but Beezus was filled with filial piety and thus wrecked house on the ninja costume clad ghosts like a boss.  They then found a secret passageway into a basement of the foundry.  Aveline was like, "Huh...I guess we missed this when we kind of searched this place in a real half-assed fashion three years ago..."  
  
Down in the basement there were disgusting traps, like bear traps that would bite off a titty or random things where a guy had to put his dick in a blender to stop a bucket of lava from being poured on his head or something, but Beezus had pretty high trap disabling abilities and was able to bypass said traps with great ease.  Of course the creepy Serial Killer Basement would not be complete with a weird shrine to a woman who looked surprisingly like Mom Hawke, the discovery of which caused Beezus to feel like she was going to barf.  But she did not have time to barf because there were piles of ninja ghosts, Hamburger Helper Wizards, titty demons and skeleton warriors to be killed (or in the case of the skeleton warriors killed again).  
  
Finally after what seemed like forever, but in actuality was probably like five or six minutes, Beezus came to the end of the linear basement and found some random wizard she'd never seen before with someone, their back towards Beezus, dressed in a bridal gown.  Beezus felt like barfing because she knew in her heart of hearts what was going to happen but still had to listen to a madman ramble about how love was the most powerful force in the universe.  She was pretty sure the guy was just quoting mid-90s R&B slow jamz, but then the bride stood up and it was totally Mom Hawke.  
  
"YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!  I AM GOING TO FUCKING KNIFE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU!!!!!!" Beezus screamed and lunged at the guy.  Behind her Aveline was saying something about needing to take him in for questioning, but Beezus wasn't listening.  Merrill and Anders were putting some sort of Hamburger Helper Wizards on blast as Beezus was doing the most graphic knife violence imaginable on the shitty wizard who turned her mom into a Frankenstein.  The shitty wizard died with blood gushing out of like 93 different places.  His eyes were all chopped up and his cock (which had been sliced off) was stuffed into a cut in the asshole's neck.  
  
Beezus rushed over to Frankenstein Mom Hawke and held her.  She said some stuff about being so proud of her, but Beezus could only think about how she could save her mom.  "Anders!  Can you do something?  Merrill?  Please...someone..."  
  
"I'm sorry Beezus, this is some fucked up magic.  He's got it set up so she'll die a couple minutes after he does.  There's nothing we can do," Anders said.  
  
"Mom...I'm sorry...I wasn't fast enough.  I should have gotten here sooner.  I shouldn't have..." Beezus cradled her mother's corpse in her arms and wept.  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
  
  
** Beezus stared into the fire.  She barely noticed the door opening as her Uncle swept into the room, "Well?  Did you find her?  Where is she?"  
  
"She's...she's dead..." Beezus said, her lip quivering.  
  
"What?!  Why?  Why would someone kill her?"  
  
"Because she looked like someone else..."  
  
"IT'S ALL MAGIC'S FAULT!  NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME OF MAGIC!  THE WORLD WOULD BE MUCH BETTER OFF IF ALL THE MAGES JUST STOPPED BEING MAGES!!!  OR BETTER YET DEAD!" Uncle Crumbbum shouted.  
  
"What about Bethany?!" Beezus shouted back, "Would you wish her dead?"  
  
"No...you're right.  I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have said that.  I wish I never knew what happened.  I wish you hadn't told me.  I wish I'd never asked.  I'll go see Bethany and let her know.  You take as much time as you need."  Her uncle left the mansion under the pretense of going to tell Bethany what happened, but Beezus was almost certain he was going to go to a bar...she would have if she had an ounce of strength in her.  Instead she climbed the stairs and went to her room and promptly fell asleep.  It was not a particularly deep sleep, but Beezus was uncertain if minutes, hours, or days had passed, when she finally awoke to find Merrill sneaking into her bedchamber.  
  
"Beezus, jeg er ked af din mor er død. Har du lyst til at have sympati sex?" she said in Danish.  Beezus had been taking Danish lessons in the Alienage twice a week, so she understood a little of it, but Merrill spoke the Feldsparian dialect of Danish which was some different from the Kirkwallian City Elf dialect she'd learned.  
  
"Thank you Merrill," she offered.  
  
Beezus again slept and was again woken minutes, hours, or days later by someone entering her bedchamber.  This time however it was Jeeves.  "Miss Hawke, I do not wish to disturb you, but a rather urgent letter has come from the viscount.  He wants to speak with you.  Shall I tell him to, 'Fuck off?'"  
  
"Huh?  No Jeeves, I'll go see him.  Thank you."  
  
Beezus dressed and, for the first time in god knows how long, left her house and walked out into Millionaire's Row.  She felt like she was back in the Fade.  Everything was all fucked up looking and she could not recall walking from her front door to the Vislair.  Not two seconds after arriving in the vislair she saw Aveline.  
  
"Hawke...I'm sorry about your mother.  If there's anything I can do let me know."  
  
"It's a little late for that Aveline!  It's pretty much your fault she's dead!"  
  
"What?  I...Hawke...what do you mean?"  
  
"I mean if you did your job and arrested that guy three years after he killed that Ninette lady my mom would still be alive!"  
  
"I don't know what to say..."  
  
"Defend yourself!  Say something so I can fight with you!"  
  
"Hawke...I know you're upset so I'm not going to argue with you.  If blaming me helps, fine."  
  
Beezus said nothing, but made her way up the stairs to the viscount's inner vissanctum.  "Hawke I'm glad you're here.  It's my son...he's joined the Qun.  You gotta go and get him back for me...you're my only hope!"  
  
 **NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE!!!:** "Hawke I found that relic I've been looking for."  "The Qunari are harboring criminals...I need to arrest them."  "One day we'll look back on this and laugh..."  "I don't think so Hawke!"  "Bethany!"  
  
 **END CREDITS!!!**  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: This goddamn plot chunk.  I was legit shook when this went down even though I could kind of see the end coming from the moment Sandal's dad was like, "Her suitor sent those white lilies over there..."  Any other game I'd have hope that Hawke would get there in time to save the day and she and Mom Hawke would live happily ever after, but this is Dragon Age 2, so I knew she was already dead, but it still hurt like hell...maybe because of my own invented Hawke and her Mom have a strained relationship head canon and the fact that the legit last thing they talked about was her mom criticizing her for hiring an elven slave.  That being said the entire post Mom death was really well done.  It basically had everything I could have possibly wanted...right down to being able to blame Aveline for it.  I am so glad that they had that as an option, because even if she wasn't really responsible that is totally the way my Hawke would have dealt with that conversation.
> 
> Anyway, Act II was wrapped up last night...holy shit it's a good one.  One quick question, how long into Act III is it before Isabella comes back from doing solo Isabella plot?  She took off before the big action set piece, and I assumed that she'd either show up in the final showdown or after the second 3 year time jump. 


	18. Dragon Age - S03E18 - Return of the Everyone Hates the Qunari

Beezus made her way to the docks to try and convince Seamus, the viscount's visson to stop humping Qunari menfolk and to go home to his dad. As she strolled past the guards they all mumbled angrily at her. This situation was a powderkeg waiting to explode and she needed to be careful with how she dealt with the Qunari. One false move and the entire thing could blow up in her face.  
  
"Yo fuckface! Where the shit is Seamus? His dad doesn't want you guys humping him anymore," Beezus spat in the most venomously diplomatic way possible.  
  
"What the shit are you talking about?" Harry Shock asked, "The boy sent us a letter that he has abandoned the Qun and was going to the Chantry to do some Jesus shit."  
  
"Fucking Patrice!" Beezus shouted in disbelief that that Chantry mother would stoop to such middle school levels of prankery.  "Harry Shock we've both been played for chumps by someone who wants me to be like, 'In spite sucking copious amounts of ass, at least the Qunari aren't the Chantry.'"  
  
"We really are the lesser of two evils aren't we?" Harry Shock asked smugly. as he leaned way back in his lawnchair.  
  
"I wouldn't go that far. Anyway I've got plots and machinations to ruin. I'll catch you later jerkass," Beezus said and then hauled ass to the Chantry.  
  
Fortunately Beezus arrived in time. Seamus was deep in meditation on the Chantry stage. She strolled up behind him to be like, "Yo dude let's get out of here.  I don't really like the Qun or the Qunari myself, but I respect what you're doing.  Anyway, these Chantry peoples are not too keen on interracial homosexual humpery," but as she approached him Seamus totally fell over, his shit totally ruined.  There were Seamus guts all over the place.  
  
At that very moment Patrice strolled in like a boss and was like, "Oh it's Beezus Hawke, professional Qunari lover, totally murdering the visson for leaving the queue or whatever..."  
  
"Look, first of all I hate the Qun, as much, if not more than you.  Like you've never actually had to talk to them have you?  I have, and let me tell you, it's pretty much the worst.  Picture a stubborn five year old child and then imagine that child does nothing except tell you that you're an asshole and spout ludicrous religious doctrine at you...in a monotone.  That what it's like to talk to those robots.  Seriously, if you had been like even 40% not a bitch I would have helped you fight them from the get go, but you pretty much blew that.  Second why did you even kill Seamus? That does nothing to advance your plan at all.  It's just going to get the viscount all up in the Chantry's shit..."  
  
In a voice that would kill a psycho Patrice bellowed "Minions!!! Attack!!!"  
   
Random Templars were then slain rather gleefully by Beezus and her homeboys. As Beezus moved forward to totally knife Patrice for being a huge bitch a voice shouted, "Enough!" It was that useless Grandmother and she looked bored.  "Patrice what have you done?" she asked.  
  
"Nothing! It was those godless heathens and Hawke! Mostly Hawke! Did you know she's a huge lesbian and humps elves?" Patrice shouted, "She wants to discredit the Chantry and let those damn Qunari ruin our white way of life!"  
  
"Enough lies Patrice. You are going to have a trial in a court of laws for your crimes," the Grandmother said in a rather blasé voice.  
  
"What?! That's not fair! I didn't even get to choose whether or not I knife her!" Beezus complained but the Grandmother just walked away.  
  
Suddenly a Qunari stepped out of the shadows and arrowed the shit out of Patrice and then was like "The justice of the Qun..."  
  
Beezus was furious and screamed, "OH MY GOD! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I'VE BEEN WAITING TO GET MY REVENGE ON HER FOR LIKE 10 EPISODES! FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING QUNARI JUSTICE!"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
**  
"I guess my son's dead. This is going to really fuck shit up with the Qunari," the viscount said with a heavy sigh, "I thank you nonetheless Hawke. Now if you'd excuse me I need some time to mourn."  
  
Beezus nodded and as she headed for the exit heard the viscount wail, "I love my dead gay son!!"  
  
  
  
"We need to talk," Aveline said in a serious voice, "At your house...but be quick about it.  What I have to say is rather important."  
  
Beezus laughed in Aveline's face, "Sure thing Aveline...whatever.  Are you going to get on my case about being a trouble maker?  Or dating an elf?  Or being a lesbian?  Or having Anders as a friend?  Maybe you want to apologize for getting my mom killed by being a shitty chief of police?  You're going to be waiting a long time before I go home to talk to you...maybe I'll go stay with Merrill, just to spite you."  
  
A few minutes later Beezus walked into her manor house to hear the sound of women shouting at each other.  In the living room Aveline and Isabella were totally going at it, "She's going to help me first!"  "No!  Me!"  
  
"Ladies!  Ladies!  There's more than enough Hawke to go around...well except for you Aveline.  I don't really like the cut of your jib very much.  Anyway what seems to be the trouble?  Isabella?"  
  
"Well remember that McGuffin relic I've been looking for?" Isabella began, "It's here in the city.  I need help to go get it from some dirtbag guy who has it."  
  
"Alright, I'm liking what I'm hearing so far.  Aveline whatchu got?"  
  
"There are a couple murderers who evaded capture and are now hiding out in the Qunari compound.  I need your help to get into the compound to take them into custody."  
  
"So let me get this straight.  You let some more murderers avoid getting arrested and now you need my help to do your job?"  
  
"Hawke, that's not fair..."  
  
"No, you know what's not fair?  Not having a mom because someone, a chief of police who shall remain nameless, didn't believe the evidence Danny Glover and I gathered three years ago.  We're going Isabella's thing first.  Anyway she's fun to hang out with."  
  
"She taught me about 'bodyshots' dontcha know?" Merrill added helpfully.  
  
Isabella smiled, "Thanks Hawke, I knew I could count on you."  
  
That night, Beezus, Isabella, Anders and Merrill went creeping in Crackton.  The goddamn Dog Lords and Baseball Furies were out in full force, but Beezus stabbed the shit out of them and Duke the Dog chomped on several dicks in a most heroic fashion.  Finally they arrived in the agreed upon spot: the Foundry District and found hella Qunari Swordmans and Spearthrusters waiting for them.  The lead Qunari said some shitty shit about Isabella and Beezus could not abide and did knife moves.  With the Qunari dying in the streets, Beezus asked, "Um Isabella, what's going on here?"  
  
"Yeah about this.  That McGuffin I stole...it was some kind of Qunari Book of Lore written by Odette Cousland or Jesus Qunrist or whoever their stupid philosopher is.  So I guess it's kind of my fault that the Qunari haven't left yet.  Sorry?  I should have told you sooner?" Isabella said and then leaned forward to give Beezus and eyeful of cleavage.  
  
"Oh Isabella!  Let's get that book back for you!"  
  
"Really?  You're not mad?  Not going to be like, 'You should give that book back to smooth over all this shit?'"  
  
"No.  I'll deal with the Qunari.  Honestly Isabella, do I look like Aveline?"  
  
"Maybe with a headband and a manwalk."  
  
"Isabella!"  
  
"I kid.  I kid.  Come on the scumbag with the book should be inside that warehouse."  
  
Inside the warehouse there was indeed a scumbag, but also a heap of Qunari and some Davinters for good measure.  It was like the Maker was like, "Hey Beezus...here's a heap of people you can kill and not feel bad about killing because they are all horrible.  Sorry I didn't have room for a couple Templars, but what can you do?" when populating that room.  Beezus smiled and started knifing the shit out of foes with glee.  So thoroughly did Beezus enjoy stabbing slavers and weird Minotaur fascists that she had not noticed Isabella slip out until Anders said something like, "Yo Hawke, Isabella's totally gone."  
  
After checking for treasure Beezus and Company went outside to look for Isabella.  They found the corpse of that scumbag with a note taped to his face.  It read, "Dear Hawke, Thanks for helping my get this McGuffin, I'm going to give it to that dude that's all up in my grill.  I know you'd want to come with me, but I think it's better if I do this one myself.  Thanks for everything, and if things don't work out between you and Merrill give me a call.  Smell ya later, Isabella."  
  
Beezus was pretty impressed that Isabella had been able to kill a guy and pen that letter and then vanish without a trace before she, Beezus, and her friends had exited the warehouse, but then sighed, "I guess we have to do Aveline's thing now.  Oh this is going to suck so bad..."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
"Ready Hawke?  This might end badly, so I hope you've finished up all your business in town," Aveline said.  
  
"Yeah except some thing about evil books that I apparently can't finish because I read one of them, but whatever."  
  
"Hawke that quest gets you a Playstation 3 achievement!  How can you be so blase about it?!" Aveline shouted in surprise.  
  
"I dunno.  I don't really give a shit I guess.  Anyway let's go catch your criminals."  
  
Inside the Qunari compound tensions were high.  Aveline strolled up to Harry Shock with her man walk and was like, "Mister Harry Shock, we have heard that there are a couple of criminals here that did the crime of murder.  We're here to arrest them."  
  
Harry Shock was like, "Nope.  They submitted to the Qun...your laws are powerless against them now."  
  
"That's not how it works!  Beside what if they joined the Qun just to avoid getting arrested?"  
  
"That's not how the Qun works.  Anyway let's talk to these so-called dangerous criminals and see what they have to say about their crimes.  Yo mang get the 'criminals,'" Harry Shock commanded and did air quotes as he said "criminals."  
  
A moment later a pair of elves in super ridiculous purple shorts and funny hats were brought forward.  Beezus did not think they looked particularly dangerous.  They didn't even have face tattoos or blood splatter all over themselves.  Harry Shock implored them to state what their crimes were and one of the purple short-pants wearing elves was like, "Our sister got raped by some scumbag cop.  We reported it but the other cops just laughed at us, so my brothers and I tracked that guard down and stabbed him."  
  
Beezus could not believe what she was hearing, "Aveline, is this true?  Did you know about this?"  
  
"There were rumors...I'm looking into it."  
  
"Jesus Aveline!"  
  
"But that still doesn't excuse what they did.  We can't take the law into our own hands!" Aveline declared.  
  
Beezus thought about the myriad times she'd done precisely that very thing, often with Aveline accompanying her.  There were the banditos who'd been fucking with her shipments out of the Bone Zone.  That bloodmage rapist.  The bloodmage who killed her mom...and those were just from this act!  "Aveline, I would have done the same thing if someone had hurt Bethany."  
  
"Hawke you're not helping!" Aveline complained, "Mister Shock you must..."  
  
But Harry Shock put his finger on Aveline's lips, motioning for her to shut up, "I must ask Hawke a question.  My book...where is it?"  
  
"How should I know?  Isabella could be anywhere by now."  
  
"And why did you not return the book to me if you knew where it was?"  
  
"Because I don't like you very much."  
  
"So what should I do Hawke?" Harry Shock asked.  
  
"Why not get out of here?  You hate living here and we don't like having you here either."  
  
That was apparently the wrong thing to say to defuse the situation because Harry Shock started speaking in Qunari and suddenly hella spears were flying from the rooftops of the compound.  They were totally in a kill box.  Aveline took out a sword and killed some Qunari but when Beezus tried to take out some assault daggers to do the same thing, Aveline was like, "No Hawke we gotta get out of here!"  
  
They retreated, finding Merrill and Anders a short while later.  The streets already blazed like it was 4:20 dank buds yo...with fire and shit flaming all over the place.  Merrill threw her arms around Beezus and said, "I was so worried about you!"  Aveline looked even more severe than usual, "The Qunari must have been planing this for a long time.  Look how quickly they burned up all this shit.  We should try to get to the vislair so we can get the rest of my men and make a stand.  Come on.  Follow me."  
  
With Aveline in the lead the party made their way through the streets of Crackton battling hella Qunari and even some looters and random elves who had sided with the Qunari.  It was out of control setpiece fighting and it was awesome.  At one point they encountered some Frenchmen Grey Wardens.  They were like, "We'll spread the word what's happening but we're on some bigger shit than this so we can't help you.  Besides Grey Wardens don't get involved in political shit.  Here's a ring...it's pretty nice."  
  
As the Frenchmen left Beezus was like, "What about those Grey Wardens in Feldspar who did a Landsmeet and one of them became king?  Anyway what's more important than a Qunari invasion?"  
  
"Those two were already of noble blood, so the one guy could be a king and the other one could vote in the Landsmeet or whatever.  They did it as nobles, not as Wardens, anyway it doesn't really matter now does it.  As for what's more important, I can't tell you...maybe you'll find out in Act III...or maybe in the next game.  Anyway we really gotta go."  
  
"Okay.  Thanks for the ring," Beezus cried out as the Grey Wardens bailed.  
  
The party pressed on, fighting their way into Millionaire's Row where they got attacked by a Sarabas.  It looked like it was about to be plot induced GAME OVER MANG! but suddenly an old lady with armor and a big ass sword came in and saved the day.  "I'm knight commander Meredith," she said.  
  
"I'm Hawke and I fucking hate your guts, but need swords to stop these damn Qunari.  Let's rock and roll."  
  
The crew headed towards the vislair and totally found a heap of mages, including an elf wizard that Beezus had once transformed into in the Fade a few episodes earlier.  He was like, "Oh shit all my students are totally dead," and then there was a cut to Bethany lying on the cobblestones looking all fucked up, but the elf wizard did some wizard shit and Bethany stood up.  Beezus was overjoyed to see her sister, but Bethany was like, "It figures you'd somehow be involved in this bullshit."  
  
The wizard guy was like, "I'm Orthello the First Wizard of Kirkwall.  Let's stop those damn Qunari!" but that Meredith lady was like, "We're going to do my plan!"  
  
Beezus was like, "Shut up both of you!  I'm in charge here.  We're sneaking in.  Orthello I need a distraction because that's what you wanted to do.  Meredith was like, 'Let's rush the gates,' and I can't do her thing just to spite her."  
  
Orthello's distraction was basically rushing the gates of the vislair and wizarding the shit out of all the Qunari there so Beezus could "sneak in."  Inside the vislair more Qunari were knifed into little chunklettes.  With the Qunari guards taken care of Beezus strolled into the throne room right as Harry Shock threw the viscount's head across the room.  
  
Harry Shock was like, "Ah Hawke I'm glad you're here!  This is a shitty situation is it not?"  
  
"I dunno man...I think one day we'll be drinking 40s on your Qunari stoop, chillin' in lawnchairs and we'll look back on this and laugh," Beezus said.  
  
"I don't think so Hawke."  
  
OH SHIT TOO MUCH COMBAT GOING ON!!!  There were Qunari guardsmen and Sarabas was there and there was even Sten, who no one had seen since season 1, and even then no one really ever talked to him.  Beezus and her elite crew of heroes battled heroically, but ultimately it was Duke the Dog who won the day, biting Harry Shock right in the cock.  The Qunari crime boss passed out from the pain of having a mabari warhound bite his manjunk in such a horrible way and then Beezus shouted, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!  I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN' QUNARI IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING THRONE ROOM!" and then totally stabbed Harry Shock with her plot knife.  
  
The nobles, who had been chilling in the throne room as hostages started cheering and as the credits rolled, "Jock Jam Megamix" played triumphantly.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: So good!  Such a good plot chunk, but holy shit that last fight.  That was probably the hardest Dragon Age battle I'd ever encountered.  I heard that I could apparently have dueled Harry Shock without the heaps of extra Sarabases that wrecked Anders like 900 times which is apparently an easier way to do that plot, but I don't know why it didn't happen for me.  I had the "Harry Shock Has Mad Love For Ya Kid" achievement or whatever and kind of agreed with him regarding those elven murderers so I'm guessing the reason I had to fight an entire throne room was because of the sarcastic "Why can't we be friends?" answer to his last question.  Anyway I beat it and it was all the more satisfying because I can now tell myself that I also got the guy who killed Patrice so I couldn't.  
> 
> Anyway it's on to Act III and some sort DLC.  I'll definitely get Legacy, but I'm also considering getting the Mark of the Assassin thing.  Is there any order in which I should do plot/DLC or does it not even matter?


	19. Dragon Age - S03E19 - Three Years Later II: The Wrath of Khan

Cloud Strife But An Elf stood face to face with his sister while a heap of dead Davinters oozed blood all over the nice clean floor of the Hanged Man.  His former master, Douglas, was totally dead, his shit completely and utterly ruined, but as was par for the course, Cloud Strife But An Elf was livid about some perceived slight and was probably about a heartbeat away from doing that Temple of Doom thing where he rips a dude's heart out of their chest.  
  
"Leto, please!"  
  
"Why are you even calling me that?"  
  
"Because when we were young, you were broody as fuck like Jared Leto's character on My So Called Life, so my friends and I all called you Leto."  
  
"Well knock it off!"  
  
"Alright...please, I didn't want to help them, but they promised to make me a magister."  
  
Andy kind of lost his shit and was all like, "Wait, your sister's a mage?  You fucking hypocrite!  You've just been jealous this whole time!"  
  
But Cloud Strife But An Elf was nonplussed and screamed, "TIME TO DIE SISTER!!!" at his sister.  
  
"Please Hawke help me!"  
  
"Meh...I'd rather not get involved in family squabbles."  
  
Cloud Strife But An Elf ripped his sister's heart out of her chest in the middle of a crowded bar and then began whining about being totally alone again.  Beezus, against her better judgement, was like, "Dude you're not alone.  You have us...as friends."  
  
Cloud Strife smiled(?) slightly and intoned, "Friends?  Is that what we are?"  
  
Andy, in total dickbag mode, was like, "I'm sure as fuck not his friend."

\---  
  
Three years had passed since Beezus Hawke, Aveline, Merrill, Andy and Doug the Dog had totally wrecked house on the Qunari in the throne room of the vislair and in spite the fact that Duke the Dog got the killing blow on Harry Shock (Beezus had spent the bulk of the battle trying to keep Sara Bas from killing Andy) Beezus had become known as the Hero of Feldspar oh wait the Champion of Kirkwall.  There were a lot of perks and benefits from being Champion.  When people saw her on the street they were like, "Hey Champ what's up?"  And then there was her belt.  Oh what a sweet belt it was!  
  
  
 _The Champion of Kirkwall Championship Belt_  
  
But perhaps the thing Beezus most enjoyed about being declared Champion was the new found levels of respect the other denizens of Kirkwall had for her.  On a day like any other, Beezus found herself walking home from the vislair.  She'd been harassing Aveline about her honeymoon in France but Aveline had become decidedly colder towards Beezus since Beezus had blamed her for the death of her mother and also embarrassed her in front of Harry Shock, but that was neither here nor there.  As Beezus and Merrill made their way back towards Hawke manor they stumbled upon a protest.  There had been a lot of protests since Harry Shock had killed the viscount.  That shitty Meredith Templar woman had pretty much taken over the job without any sort of election and people were pretty pissed, none more so than the wizards.  
  
Head Wizard Othello was pontificating about how the Templars, Meredith chief among them, suck sweaty not-orc nutsacks.  Othello spotting Beezus in the crowd was like, "Dudes let's here what the Champion has to say!" but before Beezus could deliver a stirring piece of oration in which she bellowed something about "freedom," Meredith showed up and was like, "I'm sure the Champion has better things to do than recite Rage Against the Machine lyrics."  
  
"You stupid hag...I can speak for myself you know!" Beezus shouted, but before she could be like, "Yo Othello let's team-up and take this bitch down!" the Grandmother from the Chantry showed up and looked bored.  She told Meredith to step off and then told some Templars to take Othello and his dudes back to the Gallows but to do so gently...without any police brutality.  
  
"Man you really suck do you know that?" Beezus asked, "You can totally control that Meredith bitch but do nothing and you did the same thing, absolutely nothing, with Patrice.  You're pretty much worse than useless."  
  
The Grandmother just shrugged and went back to the Chantry to be useless there.  Beezus, having had enough of Templars and Chantrys went back to Hawke Manor to hopefully hump Merrill, but when they got there Jeeves was like, "Oh Missus Hawke there was a letter from you...from the Templars by the look of it."  
  
The letter was from the Knight Commander...that horrible Meredith woman, and she was requesting an audience with Beezus.  It looked like she wasn't going to get it on with Merrill until later that night.  
 **  
COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
"It's not because he watches us when we hump is it?" Beezus asked as she and her crew crossed the courtyard of the Gallows.  
  
"Oh no, it's not that.  Please don't get me wrong, Duke's a nice dog, but he snores when he sleeps and it keeps me up at night...and he kind of...smells like a bog," Merrill said nervously.  
  
"Hmmm...maybe he could sleep in Enchantment-Enchantment's room," Beezus offered.  
  
"That might work," Merrill replied.  
  
Duke the Dog barked happily for he was quite fond of Enchantment-Enchantment.  Aveline was somewhat less enthralled and spat dismissively, "I cannot believe you are talking about this right now...when all of Kirkwall is on the brink and you are going to speak with a woman who could put my husband and I out of work if she felt like it.  How can you be so nonchalant about this?"  
  
Beezus shrugged and Merrill merely replied, "Because I love Hawke."  
  
That was apparently the wrong thing for Merrill to say because Aveline got super angry and was like, "This isn't even your fight Merrill.  This shit has nothing to do with your stupid Danes or whatever back on Thundercat Mountain.  So why are you even here?"  
  
"I told you, because I love Hawke."  
  
Aveline said nothing else, but merely pouted as they made their way into Meredith's office.  "Ah Mistress Hawke, I am so glad you could come.  I'm in a spot of trouble and could use your help.  Several of our mages have run off and I'd like your help tracking them down and bringing them in.  Some of them are hella dangerous and will attack Templars on sight so I'd rather not use our people to track them down and cause any more death or destruction than we already have," Meredith said.  She was surprisingly chipper for speaking to a woman who had insulted her on numerous occasions, some rather publicly.  
  
"Why should I help you?  You're a piece of shit."  
  
"Bethany."  
  
"Did you just threaten my sister!?" Beezus screamed, her hand quickly moving to her knife.  
  
"No dear girl...Bethany is a fine mage.  An example really of the good the Gallows can do with even the most vile apostate.  I merely want to help those who escaped the same way I helped your sister."  
  
"You know I could just help those mages escape and lie to you and tell you I killed them right?"  
  
"I suppose you could...but I don't think you will.  Here's a list of the escapees and their last known whereabouts."  
  
"Whatever.  Come on guys, let's go help some mages escape," Beezus said dismissively.  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!!**  
  
Darktown stank like fetid ass, but that's where the first apostate apparently was.  A Feldsparian refugee like herself.  They'd tracked down a couple of "boys" (Beezus used the term loosely as one of them had a killer crustache and the other one, the smaller of the two, sounded like a grownass man) who the lady mage had helped.  She helped a lot of refugees apparently and suddenly Beezus felt really guilty.  She was like the only refugee from Feldspar who never helped her countrymen.  Even Andy had his clinic.  The "boys," Walter and Cricket told Beezus that the lady mage was hiding out in the sewers but warned that she would be angry and that Beezus wouldn't like her when she was angry.  Beezus shrugged and went down into the sewers and found the lady mage.  She was harassing Walter and Cricket, who had somehow gotten down into the sewers before Beezus did.  
  
"Hey, leave those kids alone!" Beezus shouted.  
  
The mage lady with the Lego hair and dead eyes mumbled some stuff at Beezus and then transformed into a goddamn Hamburger Helper Wizard!  
  
  
 _The First Escapee_  
  
Beezus wrecked the hamburger helper wizard's shit but Walter and Cricket were like, "What are we going to do now?"  So Beezus gave them some money and was like, "Go talk to my man Jeeves, he knows a lot of rich people and might be able to help you get jobs."  Cricket and Walter were hella happy, but Beezus was sad that a woman who had been otherwise an outstanding citizen had turned into a Hamburger Helper Wizard because of shit happening in the Gallows.  But there was not time to rest, for there were still two more mages to find.  
  
The second one was creeping around in the alienage.  He'd told his wife that he was going to come back for her that very night and escape together, but his wife was like, "He had the crazy eyes...and I was hella scared of him."  Beezus offered to help and then went to pass the time by humping Merrill in her apartment, but they lost track of time, for when they came out of the apartment, night had already fallen and that elf with the crazy eyes had already done blood magic on his wife to kill her and summon some sort of ninja ghosts.  And thus the second escapee died at Beezus' hand.  
  
Andy was kind of angry about it, the fact that the elf had been driven to blood magic, not that Beezus had killed the guy, and shouted, "Look at this...this is what the Templars do.  More and more wizards and mages are being driven to blood magic to try and protect themselves and in doing so the public is less and less likely to believe that mages can be responsible and act in a safe manner without the Tower of Wizard Shit watching over them."  
  
"Yeah this sucks pretty bad.  Maybe the last one will be alright."  
  
The third and final escapee was a French diplomat's son.  He'd been sent to the Tower when he was a little kid and when he escaped visited his mom.  His mom had given him money to get out of Kirkwall, but instead he'd been hanging around in a shitty bar called The Hanged Man drinking cheap wine and passing nights with even cheaper women.  Beezus told the French diplomats that she'd try to convince their son to haul ass out of Kirkwall because she was really tired of killing mages.  
  
Almost as soon as she arrived at the Hanged Man she found the French mage.  He looked like shit, maybe even worse than a Hamburger Helper mage, and almost instantaneously he tried to mack it to Beezus.  "Allo I am Emile and I have ze fastest broomstick in all ze land.  Would you like a ride?  Non?"  
  
  
 _Emile_  
  
"Dude that was pretty weak," Beezus replied.  
  
"He's been in the Tower for his whole life," Andy said, "It makes sense that he doesn't know how to talk to non-mages."  
  
"It's true!" Emile said, "For twenty years I have live in ze Tower.  Never had a drink.  Never kissed a girl.  Tres tres horrible!"  
  
"You guys can't kiss girls?" Andy asked in shock, "Back in Feldspar everyone was kissing everyone...before they all turned into Hamburger Helper Mages of course."  
  
"Wait...twenty years?  That means you're just 26?  Why do you look like that?" Beezus asked in disbelief.  
  
Emile did not answer Beezus' question.  "I juz wanted to zee the world...and when I told ze girls here that I was a bloodmage...well some of them zey wanted to do things to my how you say...penuz..." Emile said, "But it waz all a lie.  I am no blood mage."  
  
"Dude, you've been in the Tower for 20 years and you don't know how badly people freak out about blood magic?" Andy asked in disbelief, but Beezus motioned for him to cram it.  
  
"Emile, your Mom gave you some money to get out of Kirkwall, so why not do that?  This place isn't really mage friendly.  Why not try Davinter?  Or even Feldspar was better than here.  At least there you could hump other mages in the Tower of Wizard Shit."  
  
"And drink!" Andy added.  
  
"And drink."  
  
"Sacre bleu you are right!" Emile shouted, "I shall go to ze docks tonight and find passage out of this horrible place.  Thank you Mademoiselle Hawke.  You are truly a friend to ze mages."  
  
Emile headed out and Beezus dusted off her hands.  "Andy I'm sorry we couldn't save those other two, but at least Emile might be able to live free.  Come on let's go lie to that horrible Meredith woman."  
  
The next morning Beezus and her crew found themselves in Meredith's office.  It was a cold, dismal place.  Everything was cold, hard stone and Meredith gazed at them from across her desk.  "So you expect me to believe that Emile Francophone is dead, yet no one reported a fight and there's no body?" she asked with a scowl upon her face.  
  
"Believe whatever you want," Beezus replied, "I don't really give a shit.  Our work with you is done.  We're leaving now, but remember if you do anything to Bethany I will kill the shit out of you."  
  
 **NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE!:** "Hawke you gotta help me...my brother's old mansion?  It's haunted as shit!"  "Aveline, the Templars want to fire you.  There have been complaints."  "Hawke how could you?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: Act III is underway.  God I hate the Templars so much.  Is there anyone besides someone in "I'm deliberately being an asshole" mode who actually wants to help those guys?  That first enchanter dude is chill as hell, but Meredith is just a horrible horrible woman.  Maybe worse than Harry Shock.  I hope I get to kill her in some kind of final battle and that said final battle is less "Shit, died again...better reload," heavy than the Harry Shock + 932 Other Qunari fight I just finished.  The Chantry Grandma can also fuck off for all I care.  She's such a shitty authority figure.  "Grandma, Patrice is being a douchelord and trying to stir up shit with the Qunari!" "Meh..."  "Grandma this Meredith woman is pretty much the worst and trying to take over the entire city!  You gotta do something."  "Meh."


	20. Dragon Age - S03E20 - We Need To Talk About Aveline

"Ah Mistress Hawke there are a heap of letters for you over on that desk over there. A bunch them are probably postscripts to quests you finished in Act II...you know, 'Dear Hawke, I'm loving it here in Davinter...there's hella mages all over the place and loads of half-elves. Say hi to my mom for me. Your Pal, Fennreill," and stuff like that, but I'm pretty sure that at least a couple of them will be quests that you'll want to do," Jeeves started yelling as soon as Beezus walked into Hawke Manor.  
  
Beezus walked over to the writing desk and sure enough there among the "Thanks for killing banditos," and "We've really turn our lives around since we met you. Thanks Hawke," postcards there were a couple official looking letters, one that began, "Dear Champion, My name is Brodude, and I am the king of Feldspar," that she quickly set aside for the letter behind that one from "the king," truly leaped out at her: "Hawke, You're frienmies with Aveline Templar, Chief of Police right? Word on the street is she's a shitty Chief who coddles her officers because she's a woman doing a man's job. I think that Meredith wants to get rid of the guards and have the Templars police the non-mage citizens of Kirkwall too. Maybe you could go and check out these allegations for me. Thanks, That Other Templar Who Isn't Trask or Danny Glover."   
  
Beezus put the letter down and smirked, "Aveline is going to love this..."  
  
She was giddy as she pulled her armor on and got her assault daggers out of her trunk.  Merrill put down the lute she was practicing "Smoke on the Water" on and asked, "Where ya goin' Hawke?"  
  
"It's great.  The Templars want to fire Aveline or something for being bad at her job.  I've got to go tell her."  
  
"Can I come?  Maybe she'll tell me about her honeymoon.  I've never been to France before."  
  
"Really sweetie?  Let's go this summer."  
  
"Really Hawke?"  
  
"Really.  I've still got a shit ton of money from our trip into the Deep Roads and I don't have my mom to worry about anymore."  
  
Merrill hugged Hawke and was like, "Let me just go get my Beyond Thunderdome shoulder pads."  
  
Together the two younger lovers walked into the vislair.  A dude with a serious haircut was getting yelled at by Meredith at the base of the stairs.  As Beezus approached, Meredith stalked off.  "Are you alright stranger?  Meredith can be kind of a bitch."  
  
"I should say so.  Say are you the Champion of Kirkwall?" the stranger with the serious haircut asked.  
  
"I am, but you can call me Beezus if you prefer."  
  
"Okay Beezus, I'm Brodude...King Brodude if you're nasty," he said, "I wanted to talk to you about what's going on here.  Meredith is kind of a threat to the stability of the fragile peace the world is currently enjoying, so if it isn't too much trouble could you just try and keep things cool here?  Protect the people that are living in Kirkwall...you know, do heroics and stuff?"  
  
"Yeah sure thing King."  
  
"Thanks, well I gotta bail, I've got a meeting with the Hero of Feldspar to get back to.  Oh man that's going to suck."  
  
Merrill cocked her head, "I thought you and the Hero of Feldspar were good friends.  That's what all the bards say when they tell the story of the Fifth Blight."  
  
"Ha ha ha...no.  We were not friendly at all.  Ours was purely a business relationship.  To be honest, I didn't really like her at all.  Sure there was a time that I had feelings for her, but she made it really clear that she didn't feel the same way towards me.  Listen to me, rambling on and on about old storylines so that new viewers aren't totally confused about who I am or why I'm important.  Well, thanks Beezus for being chill.  Good luck with that bitch."  
  
"Thanks Brodude, good luck with your bitch too."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
"Hawke you can't honestly believe this?" Aveline shouted, "You do!  You do believe it!  Hawke how could you?  Honestly to think that I coddle my men!"  
  
Hawke shrugged.  "I really don't know and really don't care Aveline.  I'm just telling you what I heard and warning you to be careful because Meredith's trying to take your job and if you stop being Chief of Police that's kind of a problem for me.  I don't know if you're aware, but pretty much all of the rest of us are low level criminals at best...except maybe Varric who just seems like a drunk, but I think he's got some kind of long con going on if we're being totally honest."  
  
"That's it!  Tonight Hawke you're going to come with me on patrol of the docks and see just how little I actually am coddling my men!"  
  
"Seriously Aveline, I don't give a shit.  I just wanted to warn you because I want you to keep being Chief of Police so I can continue murdering people who are rude to me or threaten my sister or kidnap my mom...oh wait...I don't have a mom anymore thanks to your shitty police chiefing."  
  
"TONIGHT!  THE DOCKS!  ME AND YOU HAWKE!" Aveline screamed, "NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"  
  
Hawke shrugged again and strolled out of Aveline's office.  Varric, Merrill and Andy were waiting there for her.  "I take it, it didn't go too well," Varric joked, "What with all the 'How could you Hawke?' and 'GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!' being bandied about."  
  
"No, not really, but it's to be expected I suppose," Beezus replied, "Aveline is probably the only person in the world who became more high strung after getting regular sex."  
  
Varric laughed, "Hawke there's actually something I wanted to ask you about.  Remember my brother Bartrand?"  
  
"The 'I CAN'T HEAR THE SONG!!' guy?"  
  
"That's the one.  Well anyway he's in a sanitarium now...because of the aforementioned screaming of 'I CAN'T HEAR THE SONG!!' and therefore doesn't need his mansion anymore...so I've been trying to sell it."  
  
"Can't imagine many people in Kirkwall would want a mansion in which a dwarf killed like 90 people because of some sort of Deep Roads curse.  People would attribute every creak and draft to ghosts or ninja ghosts..."  
  
"You'd be right, but I found a guy...outside of Kirkwall and conveniently forgot to tell him what happened there.  Anyway he bought the place sight unseen, only now there's a problem.  There are reports of some strange shit going on in that mansion.  Like it's haunted for reals.  So can you help me out Hawke?"  
  
"Dude!  Of course I can, though this would have been a much better thing to ask me about on Halloween..."  
  
"Sorry Hawke.  Just pretend it's like a Treehouse of Terror episode that got pushed back to early November because of the World Series."  
  
"Alright dude, I'll totally help you out, but first we gotta do this dock shit with Aveline.  Oh it's going to suck so bad..."  
  
"Totally.  Mind if I sit this one out?" Varric asked.  
  
"Mind if I join you in sitting this one out?" Beezus replied.  
  
COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
  
The docks were a shit heap as usual though there were 100% fewer Qunari shouting bullshit about the Qun since Beezus had pretty much single handedly wrecked all their shit.  Aveline was once again asking Hawke how she could have done something in a tone that expressed her annoyance.  Beezus just sighed and was like, "Let's go find this guard and get this shit done with."  A few minutes later they found her husband Officer Donaldson fighting a heap of sneak-thieves.  Beezus, loathing all banditos, decided to get in on the fight and a short while later all the banditos were dead.  
  
Aveline complained that it wasn't Hawke's place to kill banditos but Hawke was like, "Yo, combat started and I couldn't do anything except fight banditos.  What would you have me do?  Just stand there while the rest of my party battled banditos because that's what their tactics are set to do if banditos appear?"  
  
"How could you Hawke?"  
  
"Whatever.  Yo Donaldson, do you think your wife coddles the cops under her command?"  
  
Donaldson strode forward and was like, "No way.  She is a fair captain and for the most part allows us to pick our own patrols.  She's big on self-starters."  
  
"Okay thanks mang.  We'll catch you later."  
  
"Poker game at Cloud Strife But An Elf's mansion on Wednesday right?" Donaldson asked.  
  
"Yeah I think so.  He said something about maybe having to rip a slaver's heart out though so it might get rescheduled."  
  
"Alright cool.  Just come talk to me at the barracks if it's canceled or rescheduled or whatever," Donaldson said and then turned to Aveline and was like, "I'll see ya at home hon."  
  
"Hawke, how could you?  Playing poker with my husband?!  Are you two having an affair?"  
  
"Jesus Christ Aveline!  No, I'm not having an affair with your husband.  First of all I'm not into men...like at all, and second of all I'm dating someone right now, and third of all I haven't fucked around with married people since Lothering, and that wasn't even my fault...I had no idea that lady had a husband.  So no, I'm not fucking your husband.  JESUS!  Anyway let's go talk to that other templar and tell him you're not coddling anyone."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
The Gallows were as shitty as always and Beezus wanted to get out of there and go back to her mansion to do inappropriate things with Merrill.  Aveline was not helping things, and was passive aggressively insulting Andy and Merrill and pretty much being a royal bitch.  "Andy, of all the mages I've met you're the one I assumed would go nuts and kill everyone..." she said, and then when Andy was like, "Seriously Aveline, what the fuck?" she was like, "That was a compliment you ass!"  
  
"I will be so glad when I can dump you off back at the police station," Beezus said as they crossed the courtyard, "You're worse than Cloud Strife But An Elf.  At least he calls me his friend and is kind of polite to me."  
  
They found the other templar who wasn't Trask or Danny Glover chilling where he always chilled.  Beezus was like, "Yo man, I looked into that thing for you.  Aveline seems like a pretty alright chief of police.  Her squad seems to respect her and is generally pretty happy with having her as their Chief.  Where did these reports come from anyway?  It seems like a lot of bullshit to be honest."  
  
"They were anonymous..."  
  
"Those guys with the masks?"  
  
"No, no.  I mean they came from sources who did not reveal their names.  Anyway most of the reports seem to have originated in Crackton.  You might want to check there first," the templar guy said.  
  
"Come on Hawke...we need to go to Crackton!" Aveline exclaimed, "I won't have my name sullied without putting up a fight!"  
  
"Please Aveline can we just ignore this?  I really would rather do Varric's thing with ghosts," Beezus whined.  
  
"Hawke, how could you say such things?  Do you care nothing for my honor or integrity?"  
  
Beezus sighed heavily, "Fine, let's go to Crackton and find out who's accusing you of being soft of crime."  
  
That night, under the cover of dark, Beezus and Aveline headed into Crackton to find Policewoman Legohair and find out if she knew anything about the denizens of Crackton who were making wild accusations about Aveline being a bad Chief of Police.  Of course random banditos thought that it would be cool to try and kill Beezus, but in the words of Varric, anyone who stepped to them must have been suicidal.  Heaps of dead and dying banditos paved the streets of Crackton before they finally found Policewoman Legohair.  
  
"Policewoman Legohair, who in Crackton accuses me of being a shitty Chief?" Aveline shouted.  
  
"It was the old chief...the guy whose job you took.  He's been running his mouth off about how you're a huge bitch and how you're from Feldspar but have a French name and how you signify how foreigners are ruining Kirkwall.  He's got a hat that says 'Make Kirkwall Great Again,' and has rallies in Darktown about how all Feldsparians are rapists and lyrium dealers."  
  
"HE SAID WHAT?!" Aveline shouted, "HAWKE!  COME ON!"  
  
Hawke sighed as Aveline dragged her down into the scum and villainy that was Darktown.  It wasn't long before they found some scumbag former chief of police spouting off some shit about how Feldsparians were stilling all the good Kirkwaller women and taking all their "jooooooorrrbs."  Beezus was alright with the dude's rant against Aveline, but when he started talking shit about Feldspar he had crossed the line.  
  
"You take that back about Feldspar women all wearing headbands and having a 'manwalk!'" Beezus shouted, "You take that back right now!"  
  
"What?  Angry you left your headband at home?" the former chief asked in a mocking voice.  
  
"TIME TO DIE!!!" Beezus said and stabbed the dude in the face, "LEFT MY HEADBAND AT HOME DID I?!  I DON'T EVEN OWN A HEADBAND!!!"  
  
There was soon a heap and a half of dead xenophobic asshole littering the ground of Darktown.  Pure, righteous Kirkwallian blood seeped from more knife wounds than Beezus could easily count.  She dusted off her hands and proclaimed, "That's the end of that chapter..."  
  
Aveline, however, was pissed off, "Hawke, how could you?  It was not your place to stab that guy in the face!"  MINUS TEN POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF!!!  
  
 **NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE!:** "My mirror still doesn't work Hawke can you help me?" "I thought the demon was tied to your life..." "That flat-eared bitch killed the Keeper!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: The friend/rivalry system is kind of weird.  Like I wonder if it has momentum behind it, like if some one is already rivalrying you they keep rivalrying you regardless of what you do.  There were a lot of instances where I did things that really weren't that adversarial (I picked more than one olive branch when dealing with this shit) and still ended up with Aveline bellowing "HOW COULD YOU HAWKE?" and losing friendship points.  I kind of wonder if they will ever come to blows over whatever it is that they are so pissed off at each other for.
> 
> Also this time, special guest star Brodude showed up.  He was a lot less annoying than he was in Origins.  Regular sex has done wonders for him.  But I'm more excited about some special guest star that I know is coming (maybe in corpse form...who knows).  Last night while walking from Hawke manor to the vislair I found Nate Howe's sister and now I gotta find Nate Howe.  Nate Howe was like my favorite non-love interest companion before Varric became a guy I knew about, so I'm stoked that he's back, even if it is just in cameo form.


	21. Dragon Age - S03E21 - Merrill & The Magic Mirror

Merrill hadn't come home.  Beezus strapped on her armor and took up her assault knives and headed out to the alienage.  "She's probably working on that mirror still," Beezus thought as she fought her way through the evening streets of Kirkwall, stabbing hella jerkoffs who tried to touch her thighs or steal her coin purse.  So lost in thought had she been that Beezus did not notice that she'd fought her way to Merrill's doorstep.  She let herself in and made her way to Merrill's bedroom.  She was seated on the floor in front of the magic mirror.  
  
"Merrill are you alright?" she asked.  
  
"My mirror still doesn't work Hawke can you help me?"   
  
"Of course I can pumpkin," Beezus said, "What do you need?"  
  
"I need to go back to the demon on Thundercat Mountain and ask him what to do.  I feel like I must have missed a step in putting it back together.  He'll surely know what to do!"  
  
"Not another demon," Beezus thought to herself, but when Merrill looked up at her with those big, gem-like eyes, she found herself saying, "Alright Merrill, we'll go to the mountain, but let's talk to the Keeper first.  Maybe she knows another way that doesn't involve demons."  
  
"Okay Hawke...can we maybe not take Andrew with us though?  He gets all disgruntled when I talk about demons."  
  
"Sweetie, if Bethany was still around for heals I would leave him in his sewer lair."  
  
"I know...it was worth a try though wasn't it?"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
 _"Lookin' for the best prices on Lesser Injury Kits and Rune Tracings?  Yuriah's got everything you need whether you're a Grey Warden taking the fight to the darkspawn or a Circle Mage just looking to craft some runes and all at prices to low to believe. Come on down to Yuriah's on the corner of Ogden and Front Door in Fort Awesome Throne Room!"_  
  
"Can I get you somefin' Commander?"  
  
 **AND NOW BACK TO DRAGON AGE!**  
  
The party trekked up Thundercat Mountain and shit was a lot more dismal than it had been the last time Beezus had visited.  The elves there looked noticeably more pissed off than usual and that Master Illin' guy was like, "We're getting the fuck outta here apprentice.  So hurry up and pack that shit up."  
  
"Come on Merrill.  Before we go up the mountain to the demon lair, we're going to have a chat with the Keeper," Beezus said, "Maybe she can help us with your mirror problem."  
  
They found the Keeper, but she was not particularly helpful and was in fact pretty shitty to Merrill, scolding her for trying to fix the mirror, even though Merrill just wanted to preserve the history of her people.  Beezus could sympathize with that.  It really wasn't any different from when she and Bethany broke into their mom's childhood home to steal the deed, and a painting of her when she was young and so she turned to Merrill and was like, "If the Keeper doesn't want to help you Merrill, I will."  
  
Andy, in disgust, bellowed, "OH COME ON!  YOU KNOW SHE'S TALKING ABOUT DOING BLOOD MAGIC AND CONSORTING WITH DEMONS TO FIX THIS THING RIGHT?  BLOOD MAGIC!  IT'S HAS BLOOD IN THE NAME SO YOU KNOW IT'S BAD!!"  
  
Beezus sighed, "Andy, you know you have some kind of spirit inside you that makes you randomly kill girlmages in a fit of rage right?  So far the worst thing that's happened because of Merrill's blood magic and demons is when we were in the Fade that one time and she was like, 'Sorry Hawke, I like your pussy and all, but this demon is going to make me Queen of the Elves...bros before hoes and all that,' and fought us, but that's the Fade and as I'm sure you know, the Fade sucks all the time."  
  
"Oh fine...let's get this over with then."  
  
The stroll up to the mountain summit was pretty much what Beezus expected it to be: a couple of giant spider, some ninja ghosts, a couple of corpses to take "Belt" and "Ornate Ring" from, a couple clickable things that caused lore cutscenes to happen.  Oh and there was a dragon.  Duke the Dog bit his cock off so it was a pretty easy kill.  At the top of the mountain they found a cave known as the Cave of Bad Feelings.  Merrill explained that many eons ago the Elves and the Davinters had a great battle on that mountain and there was a demon summoned to wreck house, but after the battle he was sealed away inside the Cave of Bad Feelings.  
  
Into the Cave of Bad Feelings they went, but Merrill expressed her surprise that the demon was nowhere to be found.  "He should be here inside this statue.  That's where he always is."  
  
"Maybe he went down to the corner store for a loaf of bread, a container of milk and a stick of butter," Beezus offered.  She had had so few dealings with demons that she wasn't really sure what a demon's daily routine was like.  
  
  
  
Merrill, being far better schooled in the life habits of demons, told her, "No, he can't have gone down the the bodega to buy milk or a pack of smokes.  He had to stay in that statue.  It would have taken some hella tough magic to free him from it."  
  
At that moment the Keeper came into the Cave of Bad Feelings and was like, "Doll in...I couldn't let you come in here and face this demon.  There's always a price for blood magic and I chose to pay your debt for you."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Merrill asked, "Where's the demon?  What did you do with Bruce?"  
  
"I couldn't kill the demon or banish him without killing you, so I freed him and made my body his prison.  When I die he'll die."  
  
"What?!  No!  You didn't!  Why would you do that?!"  
  
"So that you may live Doll in...oh shit...I feel gross...IT'S DEMON TIME!!!"  
  
A hella big demon appeared and the party fought it out.  As they battled, voices filled the Cave of Bad Feelings calling Merrill a "bitch" and a "whore" for doing blood magic.  It was pretty annoying, so Beezus was so happy when she got the killing blow on the demon and it totally disappeared.  The Keeper stood up and was like, "Pshew...what a relief!  I'm so glad that's all over.  Come on dudes let's go get some burgers.  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!"  
  
Beezus scratched her chin in thought and said, "I thought the demon was tied to your life..."  
  
An "oh shit" look flashed across the demon possessed Keeper's face and Merrill whipped out her plot knife and stabbed the Keeper in the gut.  The Keeper fell to the ground and Merrill dropped to her knees beside her.  "This is just some horrible dream...a terrible nightmare.  I'll wake up back in camp and the Keeper will scold me for not listening.  Just a horrible dream..."  
  
"Merrill, I'm sorry, but it's not a dream," Beezus said, trying to console the weepy elf, "She was stupid for not helping you.  If she'd helped when you asked then maybe this wouldn't have happened."  
  
"She was stupid...oh Hawke what can I do now?  I suppose I'll have to tell the others what happened..."  
  
"Don't worry about that now.  Come on Merrill, let's get out of here," Beezus said as she helped Merrill to her feet. Andy and Aveline both scowled disapprovingly, but Beezus mouthed the word, "Don't," as she walked past them and out of the Cave of Bad Feelings. As they emerged from the cave out onto the top of Thundercat Mountain they saw a crew of Danish hunters wearing elf boots and brandishing elf bows, elf swords, and elf beatdown sticks. They looked even surlier than usual.  
  
The lead Danish hunter saw Merrill and called out, "Merrill what are you doing here? Where's the Keeper?  She came up here looking for you but hasn't come back yet."  
  
A raging lady elf pointed at Merrill and screamed, "Look at her! She's covered in blood and has the Keeper's Keeper Stick equipped! That flat-eared bitch killed the Keeper!"  
  
Merrill looked to be on the verge of tears as she tried to stammer out a response and Beezus felt a pang of sympathy for her. This was turning out to be a pretty shitty day for the poor elf girl: she'd had to kill her Keeper and without the demon her magic mirror was probably going to stay broken. Beezus thought she'd been through enough already without having to explain it to a party of angry Danish hunters and thus stepped forward, "That's my bad yo. I probably should have said something to Merrill earlier, but she's got such a nice haircut and an ass that just won't quit and I just couldn't bring myself to be like, 'Hey Merrill maybe cool it with the consorting with demons.' That's on me, but I'll do better and make sure she knocks it off with the blood magic and demon summoning from now on. Shem's honor!"  
  
"Oh alright, she's your responsibility now Shem, just get her outta here before I change my mind," the lead Dane said, "Go on git!"  
  
As they headed down the mountain Aveline looked at Beezus and said, "That was a good thing you did Hawke." PLUS FIVE POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF!  
  
"Wait, what? Taking responsibility for something I didn't actually do makes you happy?"  
  
"Hawke, I'm happy because you took responsibility for something you did do! You should have stopped her sooner! If you hadn't been thinking with your loins you would have seen that more clearly," Aveline said, "Anyway let's not ruin this moment."  
  
"This cancels out the scowl you gave me back in that cave right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"So we still pretty much hate each other right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
Back in Kirkwall, Beezus parted company with Andy and Aveline and took Merrill back to the alienage.  She'd wanted to bring her back to Hawke Manor, but Merrill said there was something she needed to do at her apartment.  Inside she didn't even comment on how messier her house was, instead mumbling something about how cold and dismal it was as she walked to her bedroom and sat down in front of her magic mirror.  
  
"I lost everything Hawke and for nothing.  My magic mirror doesn't even work.  What will I do now?"  
  
"Merrill I don't know what you should do, but whatever it is, I'll be beside you as you do it."  
  
"Oh thank you Hawke.  I knew you would," Merrill stood and hugged Hawke.  
  
"Merrill, I got you something," Beezus said as the hug concluded and then placed a ring upon Merrill's finger.  
  
"Oh Hawke do you know what this is?  This is a Keeper's ring.  Thank you Hawke.  I will treasure it forever."  
  
"We're engaged now right?" Hawke asked.  
  
"I think maybe?  I don't know.  Can we even be engaged?"  
  
 **END CREDITS~**  
  
  
 **NEXT TIME ON A VERY SPECIAL DRAGON AGE!:** It's the return of Bethany Hawke as Beezus and Company work to uncover a threat against the mages of the Gallows. Thursday 8:05 Eastern, 6:05 Mountain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: Oh this quest.  Is there anyway this quest could have had a none miserable ending?  I suppose it wasn't so bad for a Hawke who's romancing Merrill since she pretty much has no one else left but Hawke, but I still felt pretty shitty about it.  I'm pretty worried about the remaining companion quests I have since so far this act I've had a guy kill his sister and realize that he was all alone, a Merrill kill her mentor and get banned from being an elf, and Aveline almost lose her job and blame Hawke for everything.  Thank god Varric has plot immunity to horrors.


	22. Dragon Age - S03E22 - The Trask Force

_Dear Beezus,_  
  
 _Hi, how's it going. I don't know if you remember me. My name is Othello. I'm the first chair enchanter of the Tower of Wizard Shit here in Kirkwall. I'm a dude elf and have some sweet staff shaped like a dragon.  We met each other once in Hightown at a sweet Green Party rally.  I thought it was pretty rad how you told that bitch, Meredith, to fuck off the other day. Anyway I need your help with something. Come talk to me during office hours at my office at the Gallows if you're down.  I really can't say anymore than that in a letter in case the Ministry of Magic intercepts my owl.  Hope to see you soon._  
  
 _Your Buddy,_  
 _Othello_  
 _First Chair Enchanter of the Kirkwall Tower of Wizard Shit_  
  
Beezus put the letter back into her pocket as she walked across the Gallows' courtyard towards Othello's office.  She'd been trying to make an appointment for several days, but apparently the First Chair Enchanter of the Tower of Wizard Shit is a pretty big deal, because the dude was hella busy, and since being Champion of Kirkwall also came with a lot of responsibilities finding time when both of them were free had been kind of difficult.  Finding herself now outside his office, she knocked and on the other side of the door heard a smooth voice call out, "Come in!"  
  
"Ah Champion of Kirkwall it's a pleasure to see you!  I suppose you were wondering why I asked you here," Othello said in a cool and relaxed fashion.  
  
"Yeah kind of.  I assume it's some kind of mages vs. Templars shit that you want me to help out with.  I pretty much hate the Templars for what they've done to my family so, I'm your lady.  What do you need me to do?" Beezus said rather eagerly.  She'd been waiting far to long to stick it to the Templars and now was finally her chance.  
  
"Some of my mages are sneaking off at night and I want to know why.  There's a meeting tonight in Hightown, so I'd like you to go up there after dark and find out what's going on," Othello said like a kind damn human Quaalude.  
  
"Wait, what?  You don't want me to kidnap a Templar captain and have Merrill do blood magic on him and then let him back into the barracks with some sort of subliminal command so he goes nuts and kills everyone when someone says, 'double bacon cheeseburger,' or something?" Beezus asked disappointed, "You want me to spy on mages.  Is this some sort of pro-Templar plot?  Because if it is I think you and I both kind of misunderstood what the other was on about."  
  
Othello looked somewhat taken aback, but was still hecka cool and said, "Uhhh...this does seem like a pro-Templar plot doesn't it?  I assure you this is the road to fighting Templars in the final battle.  Just go and find out what's going on.  I don't want those mages to get busted by the Templars and get in trouble, so please be discreet."  
  
"Alright!  Andy!  Merrill!  Aveline.  Let's go!"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
Night had fallen on Millionaire's Row as Beezus and her friends made their way to the spot where the mages were apparently scheduled to assemble.  Beezus hoped it wasn't just a kegger thrown by a bunch of novices with red Solo cups but instead was some sort of anti-Templar rally where she could be like, "My girlfriend and best friend are both mages and the Templars took my sister against her will!  I stand with you mages of Kirkwall!" or deliver some bit of stirring oration that would rouse the mages into open revolt.  A few minutes later Beezus discovered that the meeting was more of the later than the former, only with two slight differences.  First of all there were mages and templars together and second of all they weren't too happy to see Beezus lurking in the shadows.  
  
"Shit mang it's the Champ?  What's she doing here?!" some dude screamed.  
  
"Doesn't even matter dawg.  I've got something to take care of that shit," a mage bellowed and tried to put Beezus on blast.  
  
Beezus leaped across the courtyard and knifed a mage in the face as she screamed, "FALL!" at the dying mage.  Behind her Merrill was bellowing something about the "Dread Wolf" that had nothing to do with the cleanliness of her apartment as she blood magicked the shit out of a Templar with a mustache.  Soon all the mages and Templars were dead and the long process of stealing everything from their pockets began.  In one pocket Beezus found a mysterious note.  
  
 _Dear Guys,_  
  
 _The next meeting is totally in that one warehouse down by the docks.  Be there or be square._  
  
 _-Rick_  
  
 _P.S. Bring some beer.  A keg of Kirkwall's Best is fine...just remember to bring red Solo cups.  The last meeting was kind of lame without any beer._  
  
"Dudes, we're going to a kegger down at the docks."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
Beezus and her friends were trying to look as inconspicuous as possible at the mage & templar warehouse keg party/political rally, unfortunately their cover was blown when one mage asked Beezus (who was wearing Bethany's old apostate mage fatigues) who her favorite Quidich team was and Beezus was like, "I guess the umm....Montreal Expos?"  
  
Soon the warehouse was filled with Templar arrows and wizard blasts.  It was a total debacle.  As always Beezus & Friends emerged victorious since they were strong as fuck.  Suddenly a random Templar that Beezus didn't recognize was like, "Hawke it's me...oh god I didn't want to fight you.  You gotta believe me.  I didn't want to kidnap your sister either, but they were like, 'Yo mang...this will totally stop the Champion from trying to fuck up our plans to break free of Meredith.'"  
  
"Dude slow down.  They have Bethany?"  
  
"I dunno her name.  Dark, shoulder length hair?  Nice rack?"  
  
"Yeah that's Bethany!  Why would they kidnap her?  That's like the dumbest plan ever.  I am totally on their side, but since they kidnapped my kid sister I've got no choice but to go chop fuck the shit out of them.  Man this sucks so bad...I'm going to end up helping the Templars just because the mages are being douchelords.  It's the Qunari all over again!" Beezus complained, "Anyway, thanks dude.  You're one of the good ones.  Get out of here and keep safe alright?  Oh wait, before you go where are they keeping my sister?"  
  
The Templar turned and was like, "Out on the Gold Coast."  
  
Beezus didn't even wait to tell her crew what was going on as she hauled ass to the Gold Coast.  She rushed towards the beach ruins, because her time in Kirkwall had told her that that was where kidnappers (and gay interracial couples hiding from the Qun and Viscounts) like to hide out.  She took like three steps when some random bandito appeared and was like, "So you're the bitch who killed my bandito crew in Act II...time to die bitch."  Beezus was like, "Get outta my way douchebag.  I've got important shit to do!" and one shot killed the chump where he stood.  
  
Down near the lair Beezus ran into another Templar who acting like he knew her, but she really didn't remember.  He was a lot scuzzier than the other Templars and was like, "Meh I thought I'd help those mages set up a new Tower of Wizard Shit...one without Meredith...maybe get my job back, but now they're doing some shitty blood magic.  I'm going to narc 'em out to the real Templars...maybe get my job back."  
  
Beezus was like, "Yo dude, whatever, just get outta my way," and continued down the path.  Down at the ruins she saw Bethany, totally knocked out on the ground and standing above her were the mages from Starkhome that she'd saved from a cave in Act I, but more shocking than the random crew of blood mages was the fact that the Templar, Trask, was among them.  
  
Without outrage in her voice, Beezus shouted, "TRASK WHAT THE FUCK?!  I THOUGHT WE WERE HOMEBOYS?!  I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE HELPED YOU GUYS FUCK OVER MEREDITH!  WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND KIDNAP MY SISTER?!"  
  
"Because you killed Destructimus the Wicked," the Starkhome mage named Grace said, "He's cock was the finest mage cock I have ever known...I'm so horny now."  
  
Trask was all like, "Grace I'll totally hump you...why not let the Champion's sister go?  This isn't the way."  
  
Grace shouted, "Ewwww....old man cock?  NO WAY!" and wrecked house on Trask before turning her attention to Beezus.  Beezus killed the shit out of her, but then a Hamburger Helper Wizard appeared!  
  
  
 _Grace in Hamburger Helper Wizard Form_  
  
Beezus and her friends wrecked house on renegade mages, renegade Templars, and Grace the Hamburger Helper Mage and the day was saved...only it wasn't.  Bethany wasn't moving and Beezus started to panic.  Maybe she got hit with a stray blast of wizard shit or something, but then Kevin the Mage stepped up.  Beezus actually remembered him, but apparently didn't remember that his name was actually Alan.  Anyway, Kevin/Alan was like, "Grace is kind of a bitch and used blood magic on your sister.  I can use blood magic to undo it," but before Beezus could shout, "Yo Kevin/Alan I've got a bloodmage with me you don't need to do it yourself!" Kevin/Alan knifed his arm and coated Bethany in a fine coating of blood.  She came to right away.  
  
"Oh you're here," she said upon seeing Beezus.  
  
"Bethany I'm sorry this shit happened to you.  I promise I'll do a better job of protecting you from now on."  
  
"Yeah whatever, I'm going back to the Tower of Wizard Shit.  I got a class of kindergartners I'm supposed to be teaching Magic Missile to in the morning and I don't even have my lesson plan drawn up yet because of this bullshit.  Smell ya later Beezus."  
  
"Yeah, smell ya later Beth."  
  
Before Beezus could be like, "That's the end of that chapter," and head back to the Tower of Wizard Shit to tell Othello what the score was, more Templars showed up.  These seemed to be officially sanctioned Meredith Templars because they wanted to arrest everyone, but Beezus was like, "Yo, Alan there wasn't really involved in any of the really bad shit and helped revive my sister.  Go easy on him.  In fact go easy on the whole lot.  No need to hang 'em all if they are willing to repent or some shit."  
  
The Templar was like, "Yo whatever," and then they left.  Beezus had a sinking feeling that the next time she saw Alan or any of the other mages who had been chilling at the ruins they'd have shitty forehead tattoos and be talking like robots, but nonetheless was like, "That's the end of that chapter.  Let's go tell Othello what the score was."  
  
Back at the Tower of Wizard Shit they did precise that very thing, telling Othello about the conspiracy against Meredith and how Trask was maybe dead and how there were hella bloodmages and shit.  Othello was kind of disappointed and said in a cool fashion, "Meh, guess it was kind of boneheaded of me to make you look into this huh?  We kind of killed a shit ton of people who would be our allies.  Oh well whatever.  Here's a robe you can't wear because you're a rogue, but I'll act like it's some great thing for you...much better than my friendship.  Anyway I'll send an owl when it's time to fuck with Meredith again.  Peace out yo."  
  
 **NEXT TIME ON A VERY SPECIAL DRAGON AGE:** It's the episode Entertainment Weekly says you absolutely cannot miss...special guest star, "That Lady Whose Voice I Recognize But I Don't Know Where From," joins Beezus and Co. on a jewel heist that will reveal secrets to Beezus that will shake her to her very core...also a metric fuck ton of push puzzles.  "You're the one elbow deep in wyvern shit and I'm the weird one?"  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: "Wait, am I helping the Templars or what?"  I don't know how many times I asked myself this question during this quest.  It seems like they're trying to manipulate me into siding with the Templars since every single mage is a goddamn blood mage except Bethany and Anders at this point.  Well guess what game, it's too little too late.  Merrill's still the sweetest bloodmage and thus Hawke's pretty alright with bloodmagic...if the practitioner is really, really careful.  Also the Templars were pretty much shit lords since the prologue when they wouldn't let me into town without GREASE! so I'm still holding a grudge about that.  Anyway I've been playing through Mark of the Assassin the past couple days so that's what's coming next.  I've liked it pretty alright thus far, except that one impossible fight that I discovered I could just skip if I didn't care about lore or "challenging" fights (in which the challenge is "don't stand on a random spot or you will die instantly...have fun trying to keep the computer controlled characters away from those random spots"), so it has pretty much been skipped.


	23. Dragon Age - S03E23 - Mark of the Assassin!

"'Please come to my wyvern hunt...' Another party invitation. Seriously mang, being Champion is kind of a pain in the ass. I really would rather just stay home and watch Netflix with Merrill in our underwear.  Fuck it, I'm not going to this stupid party. What the fuck's a wyvern anyway?" Beezus said as she started to crumple up the invitation.  
  
  
 _An invitation._  
  
"Woah woah woah.  Don't be so hasty Hawke.  I know a dude that knows a dude who's dying to go to this party and will pay good cash money for an invite," Varric said.  
  
"That's cool I guess.  Okay.  Set it up Varric," Hawke said and started smoothing out the invitation, "if there's one thing I like more than binge watching Perfect Strangers in my underwear, it's getting paid for doing the least amount of work possible."  
  
That night, under cover of dark, Varric, Beezus, Aveline and Anders set off to the spot.  If Beezus didn't know any better it was totally an ambush that she and her friends were walking into.  They were surrounded on all sides by buildings where archers could totally ruin their shit, and there was only a single alleyway out of the courtyard where they stood.  Sure enough some goddamn Antivan Crows showed up because it was, as Beezus had rightfully assumed, an ambush.  But before the assassins had a chance to am their bushes, a redheaded elf flipped out like a goddamn ninja.  There were throwing knives all over the damn place and soon the Crows' shit was utterly ruined.  
  
Beezus googled at the noble cleavage the ladyelf's leather breastplate revealed and felt her knee tremble.  Varric seemingly noticed and elbowed Beezus in the ribs, "Hawke, I thought it was just Daisy...I didn't know you suffered from aravel fever..."  
  
"Huh?  Oh stuff it Varric," Beezus replied and then to the busty elf before her was like, "Nice entrance."  The elf thanked her and bowed slightly, giving them a splendid view of her ample bosoms and Anders, Varric, and Beezus all had wolf eyes.  Aveline, however, just muttered, "Oh for god's sake..."  
  
  
 _WOLF EYES!_  
  
"So I'm sorry I kind of tricked you to get you here.  My name is Tallis and I've got a jewel I need to heist from the Chateau, but I need an in.  You've got an invitation, and a reputation for 'treasure hunting,' so why not team up and rob a rich French guy?" the buxom elf asked, jiggling ever so slightly at precisely the right moments.  
  
"Okay, let's do whatever it was you were just talking about," Beezus replied, her tongue lolling ever so slightly from her mouth, "Varric you can stay here...because of that stupid aravel fever crack...you douchebaron."  
  
"Wait a second you didn't even go with them?" the serious woman asked interrupting Varric's retelling of this particular adventure, "So how do you even know anything that allegedly happened there actually happened?"  
  
"Because Hawke rarely lies, and anyway I asked Aveline to confirm or deny the more ludicrous parts of the story.  She pretty much has a hate boner for Hawke, so if Hawke was embellishing anything she'd surely have told me.  Now do you want to hear this story or not?  Like I said I've got a lot of other shit to do and still haven't even told you about how we met ZEV!"  
  
"The companion of the Hero of Feldspar?!  When did you meet ZEV!?" the super serious lady with black Templar armor asked.  
  
Varric smiled and said, "Like I said, that's another story for another day.  Back to the tale of Beezus and Tallis in the wilds of France, but first a word from our sponsors!"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
Several days later, Beezus and Tallis, along with Anders and Aveline, found themselves in the French countryside at the Chateau of a human rooster by the name of Duke Prosper.  He greeted Beezus in a smarmy French fashion, but some of his countrymen were like, "Look at zeese turnips...so unwashed and unrefined.  Kirkwall...zeriouzly mon amis what a loathsome country!"  Beezus was like, "A full zero percent of us are actually from Kirkwall dude.  Also, my dog has the same name as you rooster man.  Anyway, tell me the plot so I can get on with it."  
  
Duke was like, "Today we hunt ze wyvern.  Ze first huntair to kill a wyvern is ze champion."  
  
"Well polish up the trophy dude because my name is Champion!" Beezus said and then set off into the forest to find a wyvern.  As they walked away Aveline was like, "Champion's more a title than a name really.  Your comeback was rather poorly executed Hawke."  
  
"Shut up Aveline or you can manwalk all the way back to Kirkwall and will hunt this wyvern thing without whatever that is.  Do you suppose it's like a halla or something?  Maybe some kind of nug?" Beezus said.  
  
"Wait do you serious not know what a wyvern is?" Aveline asked in shock, "Did you never play Dragon Warrior?"  
  
"Um...we were pretty much poor in Lothering, Aveline.  You know that's one of the drawbacks of having an apostate for a dad.  He doesn't really have a lot of job opportunities.  So no, we didn't have a Nintendo or Dragon Warrior."  
  
"I'm so sorry Hawke I didn't realize..." Aveline began, but Hawke cut her off with, "I'm just messing with you, of course I know what a goddamn wyvern is.  Did you seriously think I never owned an NES?"  
  
"I didn't.  I had a Sega Master System.  I only played Dragon Warrior at a friend's house," Aveline replied.  
  
"You would have a Master System," Beezus shot back, "Come on, I think there's some shit we can use as bait over here."  
  
Beezus walked over to a steaming mound of wyvern shit and shoved her arms into it.  Aveline made some snide comment about how sticking her arms in poop was somehow one of the stupider things Hawke had done, but she let it slide.  In the poop were hella nug bones.  Tallis thought this quite useful for they could use nug calls to perhaps summon a wyvern.  "I've got a pretty good nug call to be totally honest," Tallis said.  Beezus gave her a weird look but Tallis shot back with, "Oh sure...you're the one elbows deep in wyvern shit, but I'm the weird one."  Beezus decided that she liked Tallis' spunk.  
  
After collecting several more bait chunks, and attempting to beat an ancient horror who was cheap as fuck a couple dozen times and ultimately giving up, Beezus and company decided that they had enough stuff to lure a wyvern out of hiding and thus tromped up to the wyvern party pit and laid out the bait.  Tallis then doused herself in blood and began prancing about in an elven fashion while making ridiculous noises that Beezus assumed to be her "nug call."  Suddenly a huge as fuck wyvern came charging out of the bushes.  It was no ordinary wyvern though...it was a goddamn elite wyvern.  
  
  
Elite wyvern!  
  
Beezus was hella worried because that goddamn ancient horror had been pretty much invincible and cheap as fuck, but the elite wyvern was pretty much a joke that got killed by Tallis, Beezus, Anders and Duke the Dog as it chased Aveline around.  With the wyvern dead, Beezus assumed that the hunt portion of this zany heist was over, but some French douchecount appeared and was like, "Zat wuz maaiii wyvern!"  Beezus was sarcastic to him and he got pissed off so they had a fight.  But before Beezus could utterly ruin his shit, Duke Proper showed up and was like, "What iz ze meaning of zis?"  
  
Beezus explained and the Duke was like, "Do you want to cut of 'iz 'ead?"  Normally Beezus would have been like, "Fuck yes.  This guy was just rude as fuck to me," but Tallis shook her boobs in Beezus' face and was like, "You already beat him, just let him go Hawke."  Beezus agreed to let the douchecount go and she thought to herself, "Shit maybe Varric was right...maybe I do have aravel fever," but Beezus did not have time to worry about her sexual preferences for she was soon whisked back to the Chateau for an awards ceremony and a banquet.  At the awards ceremony she was bestowed a belt.  It was green and awesome as fuck and she realized it would probably be forever before she replaced that particular belt.  
  
With her belt firmly cinched around her waist it was time for a dinner party.  Beezus decided that while she and Tallis attended the party and schmoozed with nobles, Aveline and Anders would look around for suspicious shit.  Beezus then went up to her room and changed out of her wyvern hunting gear and into her best pantsuit before heading down to the banquet in the courtyard.  There she met Tallis who was clad in an even lower cut top than she had been when hunting wyverns.  Beezus found it incredibly hard to concentrate as she and Tallis schmoozed and attempted to find a way into the Chateau.  
  
At one point she found herself talking to Leliana, the chantry sister she'd had a fling with back in Lothering all those years ago, but Beezus had heard the rumors about her and the Hero of Feldspar so tried to act casual.  Tallis, on the other hand, became quite flustered when speaking with the former French nun.  "You too huh?" Beezus asked.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Leliana...that nun back there.  I hooked up with her a couple times back in Lothering.  I guess you probably knew her before that, because I think after Lothering got crushed she started sleeping with that Hero of Feldspar lady..."  
  
"Uh...no.  I never slept with her."  
  
"Oh...never mind all that stuff I just told you then.  Come on, let's find a way into this goddamn Chateau!"  
  
After several attempts to sneak past guards by pretending to have been stung by bees, and having to puke, and being unable to endure the trauma of having the same pantsuit on as the Bann of Redcliffe proved unsuccessful, they decided to find the key and let themselves into the Chateau so they could steal the gem they were after.  After a lot of jackassing around they found that the Duke's son had the key...and a crush on Hawke...and the opposite of aravel fever.  So Beezus took him into a pantry and while giving him a halfhearted handjob stole the Chateau key.  A few "Oh god! Oh god!"s later Beezus strolled out and quickly washed her hands off in the fountain.  
  
"So?  Do you have it or was that handjob for naught?"  
  
"I have it," Beezus replied, "Come on!  Let's go steal a gem!"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
Beezus and Tallis decided to act like the rogues that they technically were and sneak through the Chateau rather than attempt to fight their way into the vault.  Many stones were thrown.  Many guards were cracked in the skull.  Beezus mixed up a batch of diarrhea dump crepe spread and several green jewelry chunks were discovered.  Finally Beezus and Tallis found themselves in a push puzzle vault where they had to stand on pressure plates to open various doors.  It was a pretty straightforward pressure plate puzzle and rather easily solved.  With treasure boxes looted they opened the door to the vault and as they entered a portcullis slammed down behind them.  
  
"Shit!  We're totally trapped and I don't even have my assault knives...just this awesome lesbian pantsuit!" Beezus shouted.  
  
"Mademoiselle 'awke I am somewhat disappointed that you of all peepole would ally yourself with ze Qunari," said the human rooster, Duke Prosper as he strutted into the vaults to taunt his prisoners.  
  
"Qunari?  What the fuck are you talking about dude?"  
  
Tallis looked at her and with little to no bosom jiggling, said, "He means me Hawke.  I'm Qunari."  
  
 **NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE:** "Aveline what the fuck!?  Don't throw random viles of black shit at the wall!"  "Great...more puzzles!"  "I don't really care about this...tell me about ZEV!"  
  
 **END CREDITS~  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: I beat Mark of the Assassin last night.  I liked it pretty well except for that stupid Sky Horror fight I just skipped since I could loot the chest without doing it.  The feast/banquet chunk was probably the funniest bit of any Dragon Age game I've encountered so far.  The "Two Words 'Fashion Emergency!'" dialogue wheel option and "HALP! I'VE BEEN STUNG BY BEES!" chunk caused me to legitimately chuckle.  The lady who does Hawke's voice is pretty great actually.  I also liked the Leilana cameo and her continued obsession with shoes.  Anyway I think I've gotta be pretty close to the end of the main game right now, and am debating whether to play Legacy or not.  I've heard that the last fight in that is pretty impossible which seems like not fun to me, so maybe I'll just watch the plot online and then start playing Inquisition.  Who knows?


	24. Dragon Age - S03E24 - 2 Mark 2 Assassin

"I can't believe you're a Qunari!" Beezus said in disbelief as she and Tallis sat in a prison cell in some rich French dude's basement. They'd been doing so well on their zany heist adventure what with the handjobs and diarrhea potions and the numerous instances of blunt force trauma against guardsmen, but that crazy French rooster man had apparently been waiting for them to pull this heist and as he captured them had revealed the news nugget that Tallis was actually a Qunari.  
  
Tallis sighed, "Yes Hawke, I'm a Qunari."  
  
"The same Qunari that I totally wrecked house on in Kirkwall a few years ago?  But you don't look like a Qunari. Where are your horns?  Where are your weird red splotches?" Beezus asked, "And you're not particularly warlike..."  
  
"You don't have to have red splotches or horns to be a Qunari.  Being Qunari is a way of life.  It's a mindset," Tallis said, "There are thousands and thousands of Qunari who are farmers and merchants and shit and it's because of them that we're here."  
  
"What do you mean?  We're here to steal a gem right?  This is like the Hot Rock or the Great Muppet Caper isn't it?  A zany heist where I wear a disguise and I pretended to be dying due to a bee sting..."  
  
"Hawke, I'm sorry, but I wasn't entirely honest with you," Tallis said, "My Qunari mentor turned into a douchelord and is selling a great Qunari weapon to the French.  I was here to stop him from doing so, because if he succeeds a lot of innocent people will die, and I can't let that happen."  
  
"I suppose that makes sense.  I don't really cotton to evil overlords trampling on the life and liberty of the downtrodden.  I mean I don't really like liars and if you hadn't been so busty I'd probably tell you to 'F off,' and leave you in here once my friends arrived to break me out, but you've been pretty cool about this entire thing so I'll totally help you."  
  
Tallis hugged Beezus and then walked over to the door of the cell and opened it.  "That dumbass forget to lock it before he left," Tallis said, "Come on let's go stop an arms dealer!"  
  
As Beezus and Tallis made their way out of the cell, Andy and Aveline came running towards them.  Andy looked particularly annoyed and Aveline's walk was particularly forceful and mannish.  Andy was all like, "Hawke it's good to see you've escaped.  Someone insisted that they knew all about French chateaus and kept leading us around in circles.  Anyway we found your gear so you don't have to wear a lesbian pantsuit anymore...you can wear a leather bustier and miniskirt instead.  Let's get out of here or something."  
  
"Sorry Andy, the plot's changed.  We've gotta stop an arms dealer now otherwise a bunch of innocents will die!" Beezus said.  
  
"I don't really care about innocents," Andy said.  
  
"Some of them will undoubtedly be mages?" Beezus offered.  
  
"SHIT!  WE GOTTA GO STOP THOSE FUCKERS!!!!"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**    
  
The party escaped from the dungeons and right into a throne room for French rooster men.  He was chilling in there with a crew of French knights and when he saw Beezus and her crew he was pretty furious and was like, "Mon amis tonight you shall die!  I have some weapons deals to take care of...excusez-moi  MIMES!!!  ATTACK THE INTERLOPERS!!!"  
  
  
 _Mimes!_  
  
The French rooster man left with a heap of guards as mimes leaped down from the throne room stage into the battle pit in which Beezus and her crew currently found themselves.  Knives were knifed and spells were spelled and Aveline was there too and when all was said and done the mimes were dead and Beezus' force was totally not dead.  Tallis wiped the mime blood off her knife on a black and white striped shirt and was like, "Yo dudes there's a secret tunnel in the dungeons that will get us out to the next place we need to go to do this job.  Come on time is of the essence!"  
  
As they rushed towards the dungeons and some manner of secret tunnel Aveline suddenly stopped dead in her tracks.  "That crest...it's my family crest.  I hail from disgraced French nobility don't you know?  Anyway this book's copyright is well after my father fled France.  No one would have used this crest after that...I need to investigate!"  
  
"Okay whatever Aveline...let's ignore the race against the clock to stop an arms dealer from helping France get nukes or whatever and do your thing," Beezus said.  
  
"Thanks Hawke, I'm glad you understand," Aveline said totally oblivious to the fact that Hawke was being facetious as fuck, "I've got a gut feeling that we'll find something about it down in the basement cum dungeon."  
  
Together they went down in basement that also doubled as a dungeon and there in a prison cell, totally covered with poop (non-wyvern edition) Aveline found a small black vial.  Aveline was all like, "There's a note in here...and a ring!" and like a flash threw the vial as hard as she could against the wall.  Beezus barely had time to shout, "Aveline what the fuck!? Don't throw random vials of black shit at the wall!" before the vial smashed and some kind of undead forces appeared to try and wreck house on the party of heroes.  Fortunately they were weak and Beezus' knives were sharp.  Aveline was kind of blase about the entire affair once it was over, muttering, "I'll look into this back in Kirkwall, but I doubt anyone in France will be willing to help me solve a 20 year old cold case..." but the ring that had been in the vial was pretty nice so she equipped it as she was the only one with fingers thick enough to wear the ring without it falling off.  
  
"Okay!  Time is really of the essence guys," Tallis said, "If my mentor, Obi Wan Qunari sells that weapon to the French we're all pretty much fucked so let's get a move on!"  Again the party set off towards the secret passageway, but somewhere they zigged when they should have zagged and soon found themselves in a vault.    
  
"Great...more puzzles!" Beezus muttered, but her love of phat loot outweighed her loathing of push puzzles so she set to work flipping tiles and mixing colors and soon the inferno that was surrounding the treasure ceased to be.  It was a good thing she'd spent a couple hours randomly flipping tiles too because inside the chest she found an awesome pair of capri pants that accentuated her legs nicely.  "Andy, don't peak!" she said as she changed out of her leather and fur bondage gear into capri pants and a bolero jacket.  It was a good look for her.  With hot new fashions accomplished, Beezus was ready to go.    
  
They hurried to the secret passageway while Tallis was muttering something about it probably being too late, but when asked what she meant she just said, "Oh it's nothing...probably just doomed half of Tads-R'Us to a fate worse than death...DEATH!  Come on.  If we hurry maybe we can save a couple people."  
  
They went down into the secret passageway where they were waylaid by gremlins and some kind of super tall face tattoo dwarf with an axe.  He died like a chump.  No longer wearing a skirt, Beezus felt less self conscious about doing flips and shit (she'd always worried that not-orcs and banditos would try to look at her panties when she did a sweet cartwheel knife move and had thus taken to just straight up stabbing dudes in the face, but with capri pants?  The flips and shit were back baby!  It was all drop kicks and Spinning Bird Kicks and shit on the too tall face tat dwarf and his minions.  
  
  
 _"THANK GOD FOR CAPRI PANTS!!!!"_  
  
They made their way out of the tunnel and at the end of the tunnel there was a fork in the road.  Tallis stepped forward, "Hawke, that path there will take you back to Kirkwall.  I gotta go over here though to try and stop Obi Wan Qunari from selling weapons to the French.  I know you don't really like the Qunari so if you leave I kind of understand."  
  
"I like at least one Qunari," Hawke said, "Plus, like you said this deal could ruin shit for everyone...Qunari and Hawkes alike.  I'm going with you."  
  
"Thanks Hawke!" Tallis said and hugged Hawke.  Hawke hoped that neither Andy or Aveline noticed her blushing.  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!!**  
  
Outside in the woods they met that French douchecount from the last episode.  He called them turnips and attacked them and Beezus regretted not killing him earlier when she'd had the chance.  Fortunate smiled upon her though and she totally killed the dude dead and all his minions and then set off again to break up an arms deal, but they were waylaid again.  This time by another wyvern.  Once more she and her friends did ownage on a wyvern and set off to stop the movie, Lord of War from happening, but again they were slowed by dudes who wanted to ruin their shit.  This time it was a platoon of Qunari.  They battled up a mountain fighting hella Qunari.  For the first time in forever, Beezus' bags were filled to bursting.  She tossed a couple woven bracers to pick up some sword and then they rushed off to battle more Qunari.  
  
Some Qunari platoon leader kept running away like a chump, but finally they caught up with him and killed his shit.  Tallis talked to him in Qunari and then she knifed his throat.  She looked annoyed, "He said the meeting's down at the bottom of the mountain.  If we hurry maybe we'll make it there in time."  
  
They rushed down the mountain and arrived just as Obi Wan Qunari handed the smarmy French rooster man a scroll.  "What iz this?  A list of names?  I though you would give us gunpowder or warships or something..."  
  
"You asked for a weapon," said Obi Wan Qunari, "I gave you a weapon."  
  
"Looks like you suck Prosper," Beezus said as she strolled into the scene.  
  
"You!  You have a knack for being annoying!"  
  
"It's one of my talents."  
  
"Is there anything you're good at besides making jokes?" the smarmy French rooster man asked.  
  
"I've got amazing hair!" Beezus said and then it was knives out time as the French rooster man and his guards attacked.  "Shit!" Beezus shouted, "He's got an uzi like a 1980s movie drug dealer!  Look out!"  
  
The French rooster man shot his uzi all over the place which meant Beezus was all about the hit and run tactics.  She was so glad she was wearing capri pants.  As she leaped across the courtyard and yelled, "FALL!" there was a horrible sound...worse than Tallis' nug call, as the smarmy French rooster man's pet wyvern, Leopold, appeared and took a massive diarrhea dump.  Beezus chuckled to herself and stabbed a guard to death.  The diarrhea potion she'd concocted had paid off, but Leopold soon came too and tried to eat her.  She started running in circles as Aveline and Tallis followed behind the great beast stabbing him in the ass.  Anders shot mage beams at the monster from wherever he was standing and occasionally healing people who got shot by an uzi.  
  
"This iz so lame!" the Frenchman shouted and then jumped onto the back of the wyvern like it was a horse.  He rode around on the stupid lizard shooting his uzi and screaming shit in French as Beezus ran in circles and her friends stabbed the shit out of Leopold the Wyvern.  Duke the Dog, meanwhile, was biting the cocks off each and every guardsman who periodically happened into the courtyard.  Finally Leopold charged towards Beezus but at the last moment she sidestepped and the great monster ran off a cliff.  The smarmy Frenchman grabbed onto the edge and was like, "France will be so pissed off when I tell them what you did!"  
  
"When you tell them?  You have to climb up off that cliff first buddy," Beezus said.  
  
"Merde!!!!!" the smarmy Frenchman shouted as it dawned on him that he was totally going to die.  He then fell a bajillion and forty-seven feet to his death.  
  
Tallis picked up the scroll and thanked Hawke.  Beezus was hella confused, "I don't get it.  It's just a scroll with names on it."  
  
"It's a list of every Qunari spy in all of Tads-R'Us...with this they were all at risk.  Them and all their families.  So many innocent people would die if this feel into the wrong hands," the busty elf Qunari said.  
  
"Take in then," Beezus said, "It's the least I could do for a friend."  
  
"Friends?  That's all we are?  All this time together..." Tallis stepped forward and kissed Beezus.  It was not unpleasant at all, but behind them Aveline cleared her throat and was like, "Get a room."  Tallis and Beezus broke off their kiss and Tallis was like, "I gotta get this out of here.  Oh yeah here you go.  This is the gem I was going to plant for you to find while I took care of this shit myself before the entire plan went to shit.  You can keep it."  She tossed a gaudy gem to Beezus and then was like, "Smell ya later guys."  
  
"Smell ya later Tallis," Beezus replied and then turning to Andy and Aveline was like, "If either of you say anything about this to Merrill I will totally ruin your shit forever!"  
  
"Not a word," Andy said with sincerity, "You've been a good friend to me...better than I deserve.  It's the least I can do."  
  
"Seriously Hawke...why must you be so impossible?"  
  
"...And that, my dear serious lady, was the last time the Champion ever saw Tallis or that list of names," Varric said, concluding the story of Tallis and the Heart of the Many.  
  
The serious woman looked at the dwarf sitting in a sweetass throne and pouted, "That's it?  So basically nothing really happened? The champion met Tallis they killed a smarmy French rooster man and then they went their separate ways? I feel like I got ripped off.  Tell me about ZEV! instead.  You said something about ZEV! in passing."  
  
Varric smirked, "Oh that? That's not interesting. Some Italian guy Nunzio or Nachio or something like that hired us to go kill some murderer. Turns out old Nunzio wasn't entirely honest when he told us what the 'murderer' had done. Here's the thing you gotta know about Hawke...she hates liars, so when ZEV! told her that he was just a former assassin who wanted to do his own thing and that Nunzio wouldn't leave him be, Hawke was pretty pissed off. She marched right back to Nunzio and knifed the shit out of him."  
  
"That makes no sense," the severe woman said.  
  
"What doesn't?"  
  
"You just said Hawke hates liars.  Tallis lied to her way more than that Italian assassin did, but the Champion still helped her retrieve that list of names or whatever...and even made out with her if your story is accurate.  If the Champion hated liars so much why would she help that Qunari assassin?  Knowing everything we know about Miss Hawke she hates the Qunari and she hates liars."  
  
Varric smiled, "Ah...that's simple.  Hawke kind of has a thing for lady elves, particular sarcastic ones with outstanding boobs."  
  
"So boobs trump lies?  Breasts are more important to her than the Qunari?  Actually that kind of makes sense I suppose."  
  
 **NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE!:** Special guest star Nate Howe returns in an all new episode of Dragon Age!  8:05 Eastern...6:05 Mountain!  
  
 **END CREDITS~**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: Well, I'm pretty sure I'm just about done with this game and will probably beat it for good later today.  Anders, who has been somewhere in the middle of my rankings, and/or Justice (who was one of the worst) have shot up towards the top of the list, behind people I romanced and Morrigan.  I pretty much just saw him blow up a church and then fought some Templars, so I don't know if there's going to be fallout because of this (beyond "I gotta fight all the Templars") but if that's pretty much it I don't get the Anders hatred.  Like if because of this Bethany dies?  Then yeah, Anders is the worst, but if it's just Anders is a terrorist and wears a black coat now?  Good job Anders.


	25. Dragon Age - S03E25 - The Return of Nate Dogg

"Hawke I gotta thank you again for helping me solve the mystery of my brother's haunted mansion," Varric said as he, Andy, Aveline and Hawke crossed one of the numerous plazas filled with rich socialites and reality TV stars that made up Millionaire Row. "To think, all that trouble came from this little idol nugget," he said as he turned the shard from the red lyrium idol over in his hand.  
  
"Please be careful with that!" Andy exclaimed, "We really should have destroyed it when we had the chance."  
  
"Come on Andy, maybe it can help Varric make his brother not a drooling maniac who screams about 'THE SONG MAN!!!! THE SONG!!!' If there's even a slight chance that doing something incredibly risky and life threatening can help a single person, well, don't we have a responsibility to take that risk and try to help that one person?" Beezus asked.  
  
"I guess that's why you're the Champion of Kirkwall..." Andy said.  
  
A woman, Beezus thought she had the look of either a reality TV star (Real Housewives of Denerim or something of that ilk) or perhaps an aging soap opera actress, hearing the phrase "Champion of Kirkwall," wheeled around rather rapidly, and began speaking to Beezus, "Did that cool dude with the stubble and the ponytail and single earring just say you were the Champion of Kirkwall?"  
  
"I'm the Champion of Kirkwall," Beezus said rather matter-of-factly.  
  
"Oh thank God Jesus! Maybe you can help my little brother. He was part of a Grey Warden crew that went down into the Deep Roads that you and yours explored all those years ago. They heard about some sort of bad shit going on and went to check it out, but they should have come back days ago. I haven't heard anything yet and I'm really super worried about him. Please find my brother, Nate...he's the only family I have left...well aside from my husband and my son."  
  
"Nate?" Andy asked, "Nate Howe from Fort Awesome?"  
  
"Yes," replied Nate's sister  
  
"I KNOW THAT GUY!" Andy ejaculated forcefully, "Hawke, he's a good dude. We gotta go help him if he's in trouble. You'd love him! He's totally into boning elves too!  Oh man in the Fort Awesome Wardens there was this one Danish chick...I can't remember her name but the tits on her?  HOLY SHIT!!!  Anyway one time me and Nate Dog went out drinking with her and this dwarf chick named Sigrun.  She was cute enough I guess if you like short chicks with pigtails and facial tats.  Anyway Nate really wanted to get it on with that Danish chick, but she wouldn't got to Amaretto alone with Nate so the four of us are drinking at this bar and..." Andy realized that Nate's sister did not look too pleased to here about her brother's hump expeditions among the Danish and thus quickly changed the topic, "Like I said, good dude. We should really get going. It's kind of a hike out to the Deep Roads and if he's in trouble, time is of the essence."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
**  
  
Together with Aveline and Merrill, Beezus and Andy ventured into the Deep Roads to find Andy's buddy, Nate "Dogg" Howe.  Beezus thought that the Deep Roads were gross as shit.  The background music was like that orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut and there was red and hippie crystals all over the place.  The less time she spent in the Deep Roads the better.  The crew moved down a passageway and found a dude totally brawling some not-orcs.  Andy was all like, "YO DUDES IT'S NATE!  WE GOTTA HELP HIM!"  
  
Beezus did a leaping attack at some kind of darkspawn and stabbed his ears off.  There were hecka mage blasts and some arrows and someone in plate armor man walking into foes and also knife attacks and a dog biting the cocks off all the random darkspawns that were in the room and after some time chunk, all the darkspawn were dead.  The man that Andy claimed to be Nate Howe turned around and the studio audience gave a loud "WOOOOOOOOO!" of recognition.  As the applause died down Nate was like, "Holy shit Andy is that you?!  How the fuck did you even get here man?  I haven't seen you since that night when you and I took Sigrun and Cleavage to that bar in Amaretto.  What happened with you man?"  
  
"Oh man it was crazy, I remember making out with her at the bar and then the next thing I remember is waking up without my robes on a boat bound for Kirkwall.  What about you?  Did you and Cleavage seal the deal?" Andy asked.  
  
"Many times over."  
  
"Nice.  So how's Sigrun?" Andy asked, "Does she ever talk about me?"  
  
"Huh?  Oh no, she kind of vanished a few weeks after you did.  Probably went back to the Deep Roads to do Legion of the Dead shit.  I wouldn't be surprised if she was dead now...which probably is not what you wanted to hear," Nate said, "Sorry about that mang.  Anyway some of my crew was deeper in the Deep Roads when we got split up.  I need to go look for them and would be grateful for the help."  
  
"Of course we'll help you Nate!" Beezus said, "Any friend of Andy's is a friend of mine, just don't get any crazy ideas about Merrill alright?"  
  
"Huh?  Oh no of course not.  She's not really my type anyway.  I like a Dane with a little bit more up top if you catch my drift.  Wink wink...nudge nudge."  
  
Aveline scowled at Beezus and was like, "This fucking guy?  This is the guy we're helping?  Pshaw...these fucking idiots..."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
**  
  
With Nate Howe now in tow, Beezus and Co. ventured even further into the Deep Roads fighting more not-orcs and finally coming across a dwarf chilling in a hallway.  Nate and Andy both recognized him and were glad he was not dead.  "Dude, where's everybody else?" Nate asked the dwarf.  
  
"They were further down the hallway, but I couldn't check it out because there are many darkspawns so I set up some explosives," the dwarf said.  
  
"Explosives?  How did you get Qunari powder?" Beezus asked.  
  
"Qunari powder?  Ha!  These are dwarf made man!  Whipped up by my bro, Andrea Dworkin back at Fort Awesome and don't you forget it!" the dwarf said.  
  
"The way out is clear dude, why not head back and get some reinforcements?" Nate asked the dwarf, "We'll head deeper and see if we can find more Grey Wardens to save."  
  
"Alright boss," the dwarf said, "But if shit goes bad, just blow up some of those bombs I set alright?"  
  
The camera panned across a bunch of Donkey Kong barrels, which Beezus assumed were the explosives in question and then the dwarf headed out of the Deep Roads, back to civilization...or Kirkwall.  As the dwarf left a heap of darkspawn started running down the hall.  Beezus was like, "I bet if I blow up these bombs they'll all die," but since combat had begun she could not activate the bombs.  "F this!" she shouted in disappointment and then with a leaping capri pants assisted knife attack against an ogre, bellowed, "FALL!"  More not-orcs and ogres were totally wrecked and as violence was committed against the darkspawn Beezus wondered where the not-goblins were.  She couldn't remember seeing a single not-goblin in all her battles against the darkspawns, but that didn't really matter.  
  
The darkspawns were wrecked and the party pressed forward and in a room at the end of the hall, Nate discovered a heap of dead Grey Wardens.  "Shit, this sucks ass.  I'm going to get revenge on darkspawns for killing my homeboys.  You want in on this?" he asked Beezus.  
  
"Of course," Beezus replied.  
  
And again, as if on cue, a heap of darkspawns yelled swear words at Beezus and her friends and ran up on them.  Beezus once more attempted to blow them up with dwarf bombs but couldn't activate them before there were not-orcs all up in her grill, so she made use of more traditional forms of violence, namely stabbing darkspawns in the gut and/or crotch area.  Holy shit were there a lot of darkspawns though.  Those bombs probably would have been helpful.  No less than three ogres had their shit completely and utterly ruined in that chamber somewhere in the Deep Roads, but as the last not-orc jerkoff died Nate was all like, "My darkspawn sense is not tingling...there's not a single darkspawn left.  Good job guy.  Even though all my friends are dead I'm glad to have fought by your side.  Unfortunately I must be off.  Perhaps we shall meet again."  
  
"Yeah dude, maybe in the final battle?" Beezus asked.  
  
"Perhaps," Nate replied and then to Andy was like, "Andy it was nice seeing you again.  Sorry I had to be the one to break the news to you about Sigrun."  
  
"Nah mang it's cool.  What can you do?  Sometimes it's just a single night of unbridled passion before you wake up nude on a boat bound for the Free Marches."  
  
"You can say that again!  Well, smell ya later dudes."  
  
"Smell ya later Nate!"  
  
 **NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE!:** "If I make a poop potion I can be rid of Justice once and for all!"  "Hawke I might have to fight against you you know."  "I love you Hawke."  "I love you too Merrill."  "Hawke this is crazy as fuck...I never thought I, of all people, would be helping mages, but here I am.  Thanks you for being a friend."  "I've had it with these fucking mages and these fucking templars."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: Dragon Age II has been beaten but I've got one more write-up to do so I'll leave my thoughts on it until next time.  In the lead up to "beating the game" I finished off all the random side quests in my log so I beat hecka demons and a dragon and some other crap.  When the game was finally wrapped up there were only 2 quests in my quest log: one about some dragon blood that I couldn't hand in because going to The Gallows caused The Final Battle to begin and then there was a Qunari sword thing that I don't know if I could actually finish or if it was just some random repeatable quest since I'd "completed" it like a dozen times before I actually beat the game.  I was glad to see Nate again alive and well.  I actually liked him in Awakening and liked that he and Odette became buddies in spite of everything ("Your dad killed my family and stole our lands!" "So, you did the same thing to me!").  Particularly in DA2 where terrible things happen to everyone I am glad that Nate at least will live to go see his sister and his nephew again.  Anyway, tomorrow will be the last DA2 write-up and then it's on to Inquisition, which I started very briefly last night (I made an inquisitor and got arrested by Leilana and that super serious lady who has been talking to Varric this whole time and then learned that I can now jump).


	26. Dragon Age - S03E26 - Anders: One of the Best

**Previously on Dragon Age...**  
  
"Bethany!  I swear to God, Templar, I will kill the shit out of you if you hurt her!"  
"Hawke you've been a real friend...better than I deserve."  
"Meredith, I don't need you to talk for me!  Anyway you're fucking nuts...the mages need to be free."  
"It's some kind of red lyrium idol.  I bet someone would pay hella cash for this..."   
  
 **Opening Credits**  
  
"Hawke, thanks for coming to see me...here in my clinic...in the sewers," Anders said. His eyes were shifty as fuck as if he couldn't bring himself to look at Beezus.  
  
Beezus sighed, "Anders this better not be about hooking up with you. I told you like a half dozen times that I like you, but I'm not into men alright? Besides I'm going out with someone right now anyway."  
  
"Huh? Oh, no it's nothing like that, but now that you mention it are you sure you know what you're doing with Merrill? I mean she is a bloodmage after all."  
  
"Yeah it's all good man. So if this is not some half-assed effort to get into my capri pants why have you asked me here?" Beezus inquired.  
  
"I was reading some old Davinter magic books and I think I found a way to craft a potion that will rid me of Justice once and for all. I'll be free to make all my own decisions again, but I need your help to get some of the ingredients. The Davinters used some pretty zany stuff in their potions so I can't very well go see your friend, Lady Elegant and have her brew it up for me," Anders said.  
  
"So what do you need help getting Anders?"  
  
"Well, there's Drakestone.  We should be able to find that in the Bone Zone Mines.  And then I'll need some poop crystals.  That will be easy enough to find down in the sewers under Darktown, but there are hella lyrium smugglers down there that I'll need your help in dealing with."  
  
"Alright Andy.  If it will help you be less insane I will totally help you out with this," Beezus said.  
  
"Thanks a ton.  Let's get started why don't we?  How about we do the sewers first?"  
  
"Sure why not," Beezus replied, but Aveline was none to happy about it.  "You can't seriously mean for us to go down into the sewers can you?"  
  
"Aveline, did you not hear him mention the lyrium smugglers down there?  You will be stopping crime by going into the sewers," Beezus offered.  
  
"I don't tell you how to do your job...whatever that is...don't tell me how to do mine Hawke," Aveline spat venomously.  God was she annoying.  That stupid headband.  Her stupid neckerchief.  That horrible red hair.  Everything about her was annoying and Beezus deeply regretted bringing her along.  She should have taken Cloud Strife But an Elf along instead.  His occasional complaints about mage power corrupting magesolutely was far preferable to Aveline second guessing every single thing she was doing, but instead of telling off the super annoying Chief of Police she just shrugged and was like, "We got some poop crystals to find."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
**  
  
The sewers beneath Darktown smelled like shit, which wasn't really a surprise as they were sewers and thus their entire raison d'être was to move shit from one area to another.  There was a lot of shit down in the sewers, both literal and metaphorical.  A metric shit ton of lyrium dealers tried to get up in Beezus' grill, but Beezus and her buddies were pretty much at the end of the game, so they all had hella good equipment and many skillz with a z that were useful in killing scumbag and lesser douchelords and thus the lyrium dealers didn't even stand a chance.  With the drug dealers totally busted, Andy was able to collect the poop crystals he needed in peace.  
  
A few moments later, with a sack bulging with poop crystals Andy was like, "We're all set here.  Let's go to the Bone Zone Mines and get that drakestone!  I mean if you're not too busy with other stuff.  If you've got some other stuff to do I totally understand."  
  
"Andy!  Andy!  Get a hold of yourself man!  We'll go to the mines and get your stones alright?  We've literally got nothing else we need to do alright?" Beezus said, "Come on dudes.  We're going to a mine."  
  
There was a transition and in the next scene the party was in the Bone Zone Mines.  Everything was all wrecked and burned up.  Anders made some sort of joke about there really being no good jobs for Feldsparians but Beezus wondered what was going on.  "Andy, after we get those rocks for you we're going to check this shit out alright?"  
  
"Yeah that's cool I guess."  
  
The entire time that they fought giant spiders and Andy collected random rock chunks and joked about how drakestone should be called dragon poop Beezus thought about the carnage that lurked outside.  What could have possibly burniated the entire mines and killed all those dudes?  Good menfolk from Lothering and Denerim and Redcliffe and Amaretto...dead by some mysterious unseen force.  Beezus' thoughts were interrupted by Anders declaring that he had enough drakestone and was ready to roll out and so they headed out of the mines into the mining camp.  From above there was a terrible screech and suddenly a dragon swooped down upon them.  
  
The dragon that was totally barfing flames all over the place was clearly high as fuck.  Suddenly the wrecked mining camp made a hell of a lot of sense.  Dragons!  High as fuck dragons who came down to the mining camp like it was a goddamn Taco Bell at 3:08 in the morning.  Beezus and her crew tried to wreck house on the dragon, but when they really got on a wreck house roll, he'd fly away and call for his buddies to rough up the Champion & Co.  Heaps of mini-dragons and midsized dragons would pour out of mountain crevasses attempting to ruin Beezus' shit, but Andy had his healing game locked down hella tight and no one even came close to getting their shit ruined.  
  
The dragon, in spite being super high, realized that the jig was up and let his shit get completely and utterly ruined.  Beezus realized that it was too little too late for her burniated countrymen, but the dragon was wearing a pair of awesome cargo pants that, though not as fashionable as her capri pants, had really good stats and would still allow her to flip out like a ninja without worrying about Hamburger Helper mages trying to sneak a peek of her panties.  There was also a dragon gall bladder that Beezus was pretty certain the alchemist dude in the Gallows would be able to craft into some sort of hump potion that middle-aged Chinese businessmen would pay top dollar for.  
  
"Come on guys, I've got our next hustle all planned out.  We're going to sell this gall bladder to that dude in the Gallows," she said.  
  
"Hawke, I cannot even begin to tell you how illegal it is to sell dragon gall bladders or products derived from dragon gall bladders in Kirkwall," Aveline complained, "I can't be a party to this!"  
  
"Uh Hawke, I'll totally go with you to talk to that dude, but I want to get this potion thing taken care of first.  I've had Justice inside me far too long," Andy said, "The only problem is there's one final ingredient...and I need to get it out of the Chantry."  
  
"Oh that's not so bad, we'll stop by and pick up your thing and then go sell a gall bladder," Beezus replied.  
  
"Ummm...it's kind of a sensitive reagent," Anders said, "I'll need to you to distract the Grandmother while I get it."  
  
"Alright...I guess...anything I should talk to her about?"  
  
"Anything.  The weather.  What she thinks about Hulk Hogan making racist comments in a cuckold hump video.  Mages.  That's it!  Ask her about mages!  Ask her what she plans to do to put an end to this mage vs. Templar bullshit we currently find ourselves in."  
  
And so they went to the Chantry.  Anders took off at the front door and Beezus went and asked the Grandmother about the mage vs. Templar bullshit that currently wracked the city.  She was pretty noncommittal about the entire thing much to Beezus' dismay.  This distraction was not going so well and as she asked, "What do you think about that cuckold hump video where Hulk Hogan says he hates elves?" Anders showed up and was all like, "Yo, let's hit the bricks."  
  
The Grandmother looked at him and was like, "Young man I hope you have found a balm in here."  
  
Anders smiled and was like, "Oh I found a bomb alright."  
  
"She said 'balm' Anders," Beezus said.  
  
"Yeah that's what I said too.  Balm.  Why what did you think I said?"  
  
Beezus replied, "It sounded like you said 'bomb.'"  
  
"Bomb?  That's crazy," Anders said and laughed nervously, "Come on, let's get out of here and go sell that gall bladder so that maybe a Chinese dude will get a boner tonight."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
**  
  
As they strolled into the Gallows a mustache man ran up on them and was like, "Ho shit Champion is that you?"  Beezus reached into her pocketbook for a pen, a lot of dudes had started asking for her autograph since she'd become Champion of Kirkwall, but before she could ask, "Who should I make it out to?" the mustache mage was like, "It was Othello and Meredith!  They got into another terrible fight and Othello went off to the Chantry to talk to the Grandmother.  I think he's going to ask for a divorce!  You gotta help us!"  
  
"Okay buddy, just let me sell this dragon gall bladder so Chinese businessmen can get boners and fuck prostitutes," Beezus said, but the mustache mage was like, "There isn't time for that!  They've got to stay together for the kids.  We can't let them get divorced.  Come on!  I'll take you to them!"  
  
The mustache mage dragged Beezus to the plaza in front of the Chantry and sure enough Othello and Meredith were screaming at each other and looking like a couple of people about two seconds away from getting a divorce, but Othello was like, "I don't want a divorce I want to go talk it out with the Grandmother!"  Anders then stepped forward.  Beezus wondered when he had had time to change into a black ~~leather~~ feather jacket that seemed to scream, "I'm a total badass."  
  
"No.  I can't let you do that Othello.  No more compromises.  No more peer mediation.  No more counselors.  No more," he said.  
  
Suddenly there was a huge explosion and the Chantry got blown to fucking pieces.  "HOLY SHIT!  ANDERS DID YOU DO THAT?!" Beezus asked, "DUDE YOU ARE AWESOME!!! I'VE WANTED THOSE FUCKERS DEAD SINCE ACT 1!  WHY COULDN'T WE DO THAT THEN!"  Othello was slightly less enthralled about what Anders had done, and Meredith...well, Meredith was all like, "THAT'S IT!!! NO MORE MAGES!!!  I'M GOING TO GO KILL 'EM ALL!" but for some reason no one there thought to stab Meredith in the face, and instead watched as she just bailed and left some guards to take care of Beezus and her crew, but they were all chumps and died.  
  
After the Templars were dead Beezus and Anders had a heart to heart talk.  "Dude you didn't have to lie about making a poop potion," Beezus said, "I'm your friend mang, I would have helped you out."  
  
Anders looked like he was about to cry, "I couldn't have asked you to do that Hawke.  I wouldn't want you to get in trouble for helping me with this.  You needed plausible deniability.  So what now?"  
  
"Well people what are we going to do.  Anders totally blew up a church, but he did it for mage rights.  Also he's helped hella people with his healing...all of you among them.  So what say you?"  
  
"HAWKE THIS IS MADNESS!  YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY EXPECT US TO GO AGAINST THE TEMPLARS NOW CAN YOU?!" Aveline screamed.  Beezus began to ease her assault knife out of the holster in case Aveline was like, "This is a bridge to far," but Aveline just kept screaming, "I MAY HAVE TO FIGHT YOU HAWKE...but I won't."  
  
"That was pretty weird," Beezus thought several others spoke and expressed their opinions, but Beezus wasn't really paying attention until Merrill was like, "We should let him help us.  Maybe that will start to make up for this."  She motioned to the burning wreckage that burned and wrecked all around them.  Merrill was right.  Anders would be needed in the final battle.  He was the only one who knew how to heal.  
  
"Alright Andy, you're coming with us.  We've got some mages to save."  
  
"You're not going to kill me?"  
  
"Nope, but after today I don't want to hear another word out of you about how shitty it is that Merrill does blood magic alright?"  
  
"Alright."  
  
Beezus gave a stirring bit of oration, "Come on people.  Meredith's got a lead on us already, and Bethany is back in the Tower of Wizard Shit," and then the party set off.  They fought their way through Crackton and the docks battling Templars and Hamburger Helper mages alike.  Why did the mages pick now of all times to prove crazy Meredith right?  She'd been screaming about Hamburger Helper wizards forever so why not battle her with regular regulation iceballs and flamechunks instead?  What did turning into a Hamburger Helper mage now do to help?  It mattered little, but Beezus felt a pang of sympathy for each Hamburger Helper wizard she killed.  After some intense street fighting Beezus and her crew commandeered a boat and sailed across the bay to the Gallows.  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
**  
  
Beezus hopped of her stolen rowboat like a boss and walked across the Gallows courtyard.  Othello was there and so, thankfully, was Bethany.  "Sister, you've come!" Bethany shouted gleefully.  
  
"Ah yes, Champion, it is good that you are here, perhaps together we will stand a chance against Meredith and her army," said Othello.  Then, if on cue, Meredith arrived with a crew of Templars.  She was totally in bitch mode and was like, "So Othello will you and all your mages die for this crime you totally didn't commit?" but Othello was like, "If I must die so that the other mages may live so be it," but then Beezus was like, "Fuck no mang!  We'll fight you to the death Meredith!"  
  
Meredith was somewhat taken aback by Hawke insistence that she, Meredith, "eat a massive sack of spoiled dicks," but tried not to let it show.  Othello, meanwhile, sighed and was like, "So do we fight it out here or what?"  
  
Meredith was like, "No, no, we're not savages.  You get your guys ready and I'll get my guys ready and then we'll fight it out alright?"  
  
Othello agreed and Meredith walked away.  Once again no one present thought to shoot her with a bow or some wizard shit as she had her back turned.  Beezus sighed and then went into the Tower of Wizard Shit with her crew and the mages and Othello and Bethany.  There was a real "moment of truth" feel up in that tower so Beezus decided to chat it up with her friends (and Aveline) for perhaps the last time.  While most of the exchanges went well (Cloud Strife but an Elf, for example seemingly overcame his hatred of mages via the power of friendship) things with Aveline continued to be strained at best.  
  
"Donaldson and the guards are helping the citizens escape, so the Templars won't have their help, but I warning you right now, you had better not get us killed Hawke," she said in a surly voice.  
  
"You starting to doubt my abilities Aveline?"  
  
"Starting? Ha!  When did I ever trust in your abilities Hawke?"  
  
"Bitch."  
  
"Same to you."  
  
Having chatted with Bethany about their dead family and Varric about how much he hated all this shit Beezus crossed the room to the corner where Merrill sat alone.  "This feels almost like a dream," she said.  
  
"It does, doesn't it."  
  
"I almost don't want it to end Hawke."  
  
"I don't want it to end either Merrill."  
  
"I love you."  
  
Beezus smiled and said, "I love you too.  I promise you and I will get out of this together."  And then they kissed.  It was a pretty nice kiss and the studio audience did that "WOOOOOOOO!  OW!" thing in approval.  Suddenly a heap of templars came busting into the Tower of Wizard Shit, interrupting a perfectly good interracial homosexual kiss.  Everyone sprang into action.  Wizard blasts were flying all over the place and Bianca arrows and Hawke was flipping out like a goddamn ninja and in a couple seconds all the Templars were totally wrecked.  
  
Othello, however, freaked the fuck out.  "MEREDITH THINKS WE'RE ALL BLOODMAGES?!  I'LL SHOW HER SOME FUCKING BLOODMAGIC!"  
  
Bethany shouted, "Jesus Othello don't!" but it was too little too late.  Othello blooded himself and began to transform.  At first Beezus thought that he was just turning into a Hamburger Helper mage, but Othello apparently knew some dark fucking magic for what he transformed into was far, far worse than a garden variety Hamburger Helper mage.  Othello had became a goddamn, motherfucking TUNA HELPER SORCERER!!!  
  
  
  
"Othello what the fuck did you do?" Beezus shouted as Othello the Tuna Helper Sorcerer went fucking apeshit in the Tower of Wizard Shit, "Turning into a Tuna Helper Sorcerer helps no one.  You should have known that.  Now we're going to totally have to kill you before we can do the final battle...a final battle that you should have been present for but won't because you had to go full emo and blog about how shitty Meredith is on your Xanga page and then turn into a goddamn Tuna Helper Sorcerer!"  
  
The battle against Othello was terrible.  So many ninja ghosts and skeleton forces were popping up, but at least Beezus' entire crew, which once more included Bethany, was there to wreck house.  Beezus couldn't be entirely sure, but there seemed to be something going on between Cloud Strife but an Elf and her younger sister.  More than once she had seen Cloud Strife but an Elf put himself in grave danger to protect her younger sister and she had seen Bethany return the favor.  Final battles apparently forged strange friendships.  
  
Eventually Othello the Tuna Helper Sorcerer had his Tuna Helper shit utterly ruined and everyone realized that the real final battle was soon to come.  Beezus gave one more brief speech and then the party fought their way out of the tower.  They battled Templars, and bloodmages, and Hamburger Helper mages, and shit demons and all sorts of skeleton forces.  It was a goddamn fiasco but finally they came to the courtyard and there they saw Meredith.  She had a SWEETASS BIGASS GIANTASS SWORD WITH RED GLOW.  
  
"Oh shit mang...that's totally that idol!" Varric said realizing that she'd forged a lyrium idol that made his brother turn into a goddamn cannibal into a SWEETASS BIGASS GIANTASS SWORD WITH RED GLOW.  
  
"Meh...he charged too much but I've got hella powers now!  It's time to die you suckasses!!" Meredith shouted and thus began the final battle.  Beezus and her entire team against Meredith and some of her loyalists.  Eventually she went goddamn crazy and even her loyal dudes like Cullen were like, "Yo mang, this is pretty much fucked.  Hawke we gotta stop this crazy old biddy!"  Meredith shot red beams all over the place and brought statues to life.  The battle grew ever larger as Nate Howe and Donaldson, together with some random guards joined the fray.  It was a total debacle, but Beezus had never felt more alive.  
  
Suddenly the earth trembled and everyone fell.  Meredith began to deliver an epic villain speech, but as she did Beezus noticed that the earth trembling had had no effect on Aveline whatsoever.  She continued to wail on the old crazy biddy with her mace as everyone else quailed under the might of the SWEETASS BIGASS GIANTASS SWORD WITH RED GLOW.  When the effect of the crazy red beams wore off, Beezus stood and rushed towards Meredith and with a mighty thurst stabbed her.  Meredith screamed something and the SWEETASS BIGASS GIANTASS SWORD WITH RED GLOW went fucking bonkers and Meredith got corpsed up right proper.  The Templars looked around nervously and then Beezus strolled out of the Gallows like a motherfucking boss.  
  
"Beezus and her friends hid out in the hills for awhile, but one by one her companions all went their own way, except of course, for Merrill.  Hawke and Merrill stayed together in the end...those two crazy kids...and that's pretty much what this entire thing's been about this whole time isn't it?  The story of a couple of confused, destitute young women who found each and true love..."  
  
"WHAT?!  NO!  That isn't what I wanted to know about at all!" the serious woman was super serious, "You were supposed to be telling me about how the Champion instigated the Mage Rebellion!"  
  
"Huh?  Oh.  Well I guess the details are all pretty much the same."  
  
"So you're saying that Meredith was responsible for what happened in Kirkwall?"  
  
"Or Anders...or the idol.  Take your pick.  But I'm pretty much certain that none of it would have happened if the Hawkes had gone to Starkhaven instead of Kirkwall," Varric said.  
  
"Alright.  I have one more question and then we're through here.  Is Hawke still alive?"  
  
"What do you think Seeker?"  
  
The serious woman walked out of the blackness into some sort of middle class neighborhood with paving stones.  It looked pretty nice.  Suddenly the studio audience made a noise of shock as Leliana appeared, "So he wouldn't talk?"  
  
"He talked, I'm just not sure what he told me.  I don't know if they Champion's going to be much help.  Anyway here's a book.  It's got some nice pictures in it."  
  
 **END CREDITS~  
**  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: I'm kind of sad that it's all over with.  I liked this lot of characters a lot more than the dudes in DA:O to be totally honest.  Even Aveline, who I in plot hated, was kind of better than Alistair or Sten, but that might have been a purely mechanical thing.  With Alistair and Sten then got pissed off with me to a point that they just stopped talking to me.  Aveline at least just got progressively bitchier which made for a more interesting play experience.  "HOW COULD YOU HAWKE?!  I HATE YER GUTS!!" is better than "Teach me to be a Templar." "No." a million times.  I suppose I should also talk about Anders and Anders blowing up the Chantry which doesn't seem to be a very popular thing.  People seem to hate Anders, but I honestly didn't.  I only wished he hadn't lied to me about it.
> 
> Inquisition has begun.  Writeups will follow!


End file.
